A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

The Creation of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What’s the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you."

"What’s a ‘woman,’ Lord?"

"This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

Went out last night and got really wasted . I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.


My sister-in- law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off .


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as the wife likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied , " so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said
the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."




I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fucking big ones" was apparently the wrong answer...

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.

"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."

They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.

"That's for knowin' the difference."

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Father: Go ahead, son.

Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.

Father: Is that so?

Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.

Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"

Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Reno ,I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco ,

where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.





Lesson: DONT get a colonoscopy in San Francisco .

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.



Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.



So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.



The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer", because:



1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.



3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.



4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer" because:



1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.





2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.



3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.



4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

3 men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a hard on or we'd still be there."