A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $5,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $5,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
A good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
Unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs Sanders asked nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?

Two pregnant ladies, are sitting in bed in a private hospital, waiting the arrival of their baby’s.

There names are Cynthia, and Rose.

Cynthia is expecting her third child, and comes from a
well-to-do-family, with private school education and is a bit
stuck-up.

Rose, who is expecting her first child, comes from a working class family, and was educated in a public school.

Obviously, the two women get to talking.

During there conversation Cynthia, said to Rose, (snootily).

“When i had my first baby, my husband brought me a new Ford Escort, with fuel injection.”

“Oh really,” replied Rose.

Cynthia then added: “when i had my second baby, my husband brought me a BMW.”

“Oh really,” quipped Rose again.

“And now, i am expecting our third baby, my husband is going to buy me, a new Mercedes.”

“Oh really,” replied Rose, who, by now, was totally pissed off, with Cynthia.

(after a short pause)

Cynthia asked: “what has your husband brought you, now that you are having your first baby,”

Rose replied, (in her best telephone voice) “well, actually, my
husband brought me elocution Lessons.”

“What do you mean,” asked Cynthia.

“Well” replied Rose: “i used to say FUCK-OFF, but now i say OH
REALLY!”

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their ass's.The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world..

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
BTW -Bring The Wheelchair.