A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often !

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely......

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this household knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past TEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THIS HOUSE...THIS HOUSE!! ....IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.... HOUSE . . .. . . . . . . .

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?_________

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you biatch, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream."