Two beggars in Rome are sitting side-by-side on a street in Rome . One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but put money only in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

The Pope comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but giving none to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope goes over the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, donšt you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People arenšt going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross in front of him. In fact, they would probably give money to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the Pope, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.

Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance andas they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,

But how do you know?'

Luiggi answers,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do,
but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red. 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luiggi gasps,

'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes!

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look! It's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.


Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking' ship?"

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check Newbie Nudes from here??"

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden....
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. "
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids.
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!

PART 1: Bad joke;

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

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Matt.



PART 2: Blond joke:

Matt (see part 1) was lying on a beach. He had been there for some time when a voluptuous Brunette came up to him and said, " Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been hugged?"

Matt said, "No, I can't say that I have."

The Brunette then gave him a HUG! (Not a hug, or a Hug, or even a HUG, but a HUG!)

The Brunette then went on down the beach.

A bit later, a gorgeous Redhead came up to him and said, "Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been kissed?"

Matt said, "No, not really."

The Redhead Kissed him. (Not a kiss, or a Kiss, or even a KISS, but a KISS!)

The redhead then went on down the beach.

Some time later, a beautiful blond walked up to him. Matt thought she was the sexiest woman he had ever seen.

The blond said, "Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been screwed?"

Matt said, "No, I really haven't!"

The Blond then said, "Well you are about to. The tide is coming in."

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard.
"Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.

"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.

"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.

"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

Today at lunch, I started thinking about the Eiffel Tower.
I was thinking about how massive it was. I mean the base of the thing spans several blocks and it's all made out of metal.
Then I started thinking about its construction. How at the bottom, because it has to support the entire weight, there were these absolutely massive girders bolted together with very large bolts fixed in place with equally large nuts. How as one moves higher, because there is less weight to support, the girders and bolts get smaller and smaller.

Suddenly it dawned on me how similar the bolts in the Eiffel tower are to workers in a corporation. I mean the ones on the bottom bear all the weight and the higher they're found in the structure, the smaller their nuts are.