In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her postal address is:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM,
Tillet
Herts.
Now, try Reading the complete address without any pause!

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads
into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands real goddamn good, because I want a fucking cheeseburger."

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was
greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is
an occasional piece in the living room!"

A Psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers. "You all have obsessions,". To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the 2nd Mother. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny." He turns to the 3rd Mother. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"

The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"

Do you know someone who is alive today because you can't afford a hitman.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."