Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club .

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly,whiskey when I'm shooting pool..

I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.

At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"


The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Lorrie and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'



'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck....After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary....A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost....After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."...Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen"

A Father Was Taking His Little Boy For A Walk ,And Out Of The Blue He Ask His Father ,Dad What Is Them Two Big Lump,s In Under Grandma,s Dress ,His Father Said That Is Grandma,s Two balloons,,When Grandma Dies Grandpa Will Blow Them Up And Grandma Will Go To Heaven , A Few Day,s Later The Boy Ran In The House Singing ,Grandma Is Going To Heaven ,His Mother Ask ,, Johny Why Do You Think Grandma Is Going To Heaven ,He Said ,Grandpa Is Blowing Up Grandma,s balloons, And She Has Her Hand,s Up Over Her Head And Is yelling ,I,m Coming Jesus I,m Coming ,

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"