Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse where his mom and grandma are shelling peas. He yells, 'Mom! The bull's fucking the cow!'
Grandma gasps and clutches her chest in horror. Mom drags Little Johnny outside by the scruff of his neck and says, 'Now listen here Johnny, you can't go around saying rude words like that! You have to think up another word instead. How about the bull is SURPRISING the cow?'
So Little Johnny is a bit confused, but he shrugs and runs off outside to play again. Five minutes later he runs back inside and shouts: 'Mom! The bull is SURPRISING all of the cows now!'
Mom sighs and says to Johnny, 'No, Johnny. He can't be SURPRISING all the cows at once!'
'Yes he is!' yells Little Johnny 'He's SURPRISING all the cows........He's fucking the horse

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, Madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5’2” and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."

Little Johnny and Mary were playing in the backyard when Mary asked, “Johnny, what’s a pen¡s?” “I don’t know,” replied Little Johnny, “but I’ll ask my dad. He knows everything.” Little Johnny found his father in the bathroom and asked his question. “Well, son, it’s hard to explain. Why don’t I just show you?” He pulled down his pants and displayed his member. “Johnny, that’s a pen¡s. In fact, that’s a perfect pen¡s.” Little Johnny thanked his dad and returned to the backyard. “Well,” asked Mary, “did your daddy know?” “Yes,” replied Little Johnny, “But it’s hard to explain. Why don’t I just show you?” He led Mary into the garage, dropped his shorts and said, “Mary, this is a pen¡s… and if it was three inches shorter, it would be a perfect pen¡s!”

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:



1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.



2. An old friend who once saved your life.



3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.



YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................



The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'



Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.



Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers

“Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little shit will get harder!’

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its theBullshitandAss Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.'
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear. The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for? " The wife yells back," Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"