A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Just send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

A man was in a terrible auto accident that chopped off his penis. He went to the penis transplant hospital where a doctor examined him, pronounced him a perfect candidate for transplant surgery, and asked him what sort of replacement he desired. “We have your former size for $3,000, a medium size for $6,000, or the extra-large size for $10,000. Talk it over with your wife and let me know.??? When the doctor returned, he found the man staring at the floor. “My wife says she’d prefer a new kitchen.???

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside
his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed .'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home...


The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed .

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

" Ed , wake up! You SHIT in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

Tom’s dream to marry a sweet, innocent virgin came true when he met Jane. Even after they had gone together for months, he decided to test her. One night in the car, he unzipped his fly, and said to her, “Want to see my wee wee?” She yelled, “No. No! Zip your fly!” Tom was overjoyed. The night they got engaged, he tried the same thing and got the same result. Then, on their wedding night, when they were finally alone in the hotel room, he unzipped his fly again and said, “Honey, now that we’re married, you can see it,” and pulled it out. She just stared at it. “Oh, what a sweet wee wee!” Tom said, “Darling, we’re married now. You don’t have to call it a wee wee anymore. You can call it a cock.” She looked at it again and then back up at him. “No, Tom, that’s a wee wee. A co¢k is long and thick!”

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???

A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!??? A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not even Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind the Catholic church over on First Avenue and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany so maybe I can comfort this poor dying man???? The policeman agreed and the old man kneels beside the injured man and says in his most solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…???

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said, "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching all together."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, "I am not understanding the question please."
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A lovely and very sexy blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, “Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions. The blond excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. “I’ll take one.” As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, “Just follow the instructions.” The blond? nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you. The frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise….nothing happens. The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point, she re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store and speak to the man that sold the frog to you” So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, “I’ll be right over.” Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there.” The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, “Look, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?


Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????