Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too - - - stupid to own a computer!

Michael and Larry got married in Cape Town.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies (quite nervous of Johnny’s viewpoint) , 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'


Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go out and play! '


After playtime, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'




He says:





'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

Three men die and go to Heaven. When
they get there, St. Peter is standing at the

gates of Heaven. He says, "Now you may

enter Heaven. But you must promise not

to step on any ducks." So they all

promised not to step on any ducks. The

gates of Heaven opened.

To their horror the grounds are covered

with ducks.

After 5 minutes the first man stepped on a

duck.Instantly St. Peter appeared and

tied an ugly women to him and said, " For

your punishment you are now bound

together for all eternity.


After 10 minutes the second man

stepped on a duck , again, instantly St.

Peter appeared with an even uglier

women and again, ties them both

together and condemnes them for all

eternity.


The third man was terrified. He

tookspecial precautions not to step on

any ducks. If there is one thing he hates

it's an ugly woman. On the one year

aniversary of his arrival St. Peter comes to

him and leads him to a beach at sunset

where he meets the most beautiful

woman in the world. He says to St.

Peter," What have I done to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you ", said the women,

"But I stepped on a fucking duck!"

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided I'd better get my shopping done.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.


Months later there's a change of staff, with a much younger administrator assigned to the home. Our man starts right away with his weekend request. The new administrator has a little more compassion than the last one and says to the old man, "If I let you go for a weekend, will you promise me you'll return on Monday morning?" Ecstatic, the old man swears on his grandmother's grave and he's awarded his wish.


Friday evening comes and the old man calls a cab. He heads straight to the nearest bar. He nurses a few beers for a while when in walks an old woman and sits at the end of the bar. Our man starts giving her the 'high sign', sends down several drinks, and is finally welcomed to sit by her. They chat for a while and he eventually talks her into going to a motel close by.


All Friday night they go at it,,,,,,,,,,all day Saturday,,,,,Saturday afternoon,,,,,,,,Saturday evening,,,,,,,,,(they did go to church on Sunday morning),,,,,,,,,then back at it all day Sunday,,,,, and into Sunday night. An entire weekend of unprotected sex.


True to his word, our man returns to the nursing home on Monday morning, smiling a very satisfied smile. The administrator welcomes him back and the old man thanks him again and again.


Several days later the old man wakes up, only to find a yellowish discharge coming from his penis. "Oh, my God!!", he thinks to himself,,,,,,,"94 years old and I'm going to die with a disease".


He sees the staff doctor that afternoon. The doc checks him over, running numerous tests and then, with a grim, studied look at the chart, says to the old man, "Have you had sexual intercourse within the last week or so?"


The old man hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD, then says with a sorrowful sigh,,,,,,"Well, yes I have".


The doc looks him straight in the eye and says, "Well you better get back there. You're just about ready to cum".

An old man was sitting at the bar, when a young man came in with a mowhawk haircut dyed different colors. He sat down next to the old man and noticed that the old man was staring at him. Finally the young man asks the man "What the hell are you staring at! Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?" The old man pondered for a moment and replied "Yeah, I fucked a peacock and I was wondering if you were my son."

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?






A: "Nice tits!"

At a wedding party recently someone yelled,



"All the married men please stand
next to the one person who has made your life worth living."




Moments later, the bartender was crushed to death.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."