Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her,
“But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million”.

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a tour, he asked, ‘Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?’

Ashley got suspicious and said, ‘I’ve heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don’t think that would be a smart idea.’

‘Nonsense,’ said the President. ‘It’s just a clock.’ Ashley reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.

In a surprised tone, Ashley said, ‘That’s not the Presidential Clock; it’s the Presidential Cock.’

The President responded, ‘Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it’s a clock.’

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s gone.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but t...hat it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' (You'll love this.) At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure works in Tennessee , Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia, West Virginia and Texas.

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

My nookie days are over,



My pilot light is out.


What used to be my sex appeal,


Is now my water spout.


Time was when, on its own accord,


From my trousers it would spring.


But now I've got a full time job,


To find the fuckin' thing.


It used to be embarrassing,


The way it would behave.


For every single morning,


It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,


It sure gives me the blues.


To see it hang its little head,


And watch me tie my shoes.

Four fathers-to-be killed time in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. A nurse announced to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.??? “What a coincidence,??? said the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins.??? Soon the nurse returned and said to the second man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of triplets.??? “Wow, what a coincidence,??? he answered. “I work for 3M.??? Soon the nurse returned and said to the third man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of quadruplets!??? He was so stunned he couldn’t speak. “Another coincidence???? asked the nurse. Regaining his composure, he said, “Yes. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.??? Suddenly everyone looked at the fourth man, who was whispering the same phrase over and over: “I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to Afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer
Was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he’d be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He’d been earning, and
Therefore, they Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty Years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that For the more than Three decades she had “charged” him for sex,These holdings had multiplied
And these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,
“If I’d had any idea what you Were doing, I would have given you all my Business!”

That’s when she shot him.