Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we ea t d inner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They si t d own to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.

1.) Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2.) Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3.) Help someone in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4.) Many people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.
5.) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then neither does milk

What is the smallest church in the world?


The ConDome:

- there is only place for one
- he must stand

- and even the bells are hanging outside of the church

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted
by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.'
Have you ever used the product?'
She says,'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a Gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...
My husband and I put it on the door knobs and it keeps the kids out.'

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “I have no fucking idea?”