It’s been truly heart-warming to see the response to my latest series after being on hiatus for two and half months. And it’s wonderful to have been missed. Thank you.
When I found time to check in here, I was asked where I’d been all summer, and why I hadn’t been posting. I was conflicted about answering that, because it would take far more of an explanation than I was prepared to give at that point. Now, permit me to share my reflections on that struggle.
I joined NN a year ago, noted by the hard-earned 1 now beside my name. It was a tough time in my life and I touched on this in my Dove post a few months ago. Fortunately, a lot has changed since then, and my journey here has been a life lesson. As the months have gone on, and as friendships have developed, so has my self-awareness and confidence.
I can totally credit NN for giving me the balls to embark on a project this summer which tested me physically, mentally and emotionally. What took me away from NN doesn’t matter. What’s important is that at its completion, I had an epiphany.
I’m a giver, so 150% applied to everything I do is an understatement. Half-assed simply doesn’t exist in my world. I hadn’t realized to what extent this site had crept up on my life and consumed me until I simply didn't have time to login and it was no longer part of my daily routine. I had lived and breathed NN every day. And I felt an on-going responsibility to my followers. My gallery had become an obsession to the exclusion of everything else that I held near and dear. Risking discovery everywhere for indecent exposure and by our tech geeks at the office for accessing NN on wifi became de rigueur. And things around me started to unravel. Sadly, what had once seemed important no longer was. Physically, my well-being suffered too, as a full-night’s sleep had become a rare commodity. My old-school PVR was chock-full of seven-month-old programs, waiting to be watched. I took negative feedback and communication on my contributions to NN far too seriously. Relationships floundered. I tried to satisfy my thirst for affirmation while sacrificing so many other things in my day-to-day existence. In short, I had lost sight of normal life . And I needed to sit back and take stock.
So it was a relief to calm down this summer and devote attention to my project without feeling wracked with guilt about the need to create. Life became infinitely easier. I channelled my love of photography into non-NN work and moved away from the sheer narcissism that I felt my life had become. It was also time to focus on others rather than myself. And that was more rewarding than I ever anticipated.
Along the way, something else had changed. The affirmation on NN that I’d grown to love and wrap around myself like a warm blanket had become less of a need and priority. I had come to understand that those close to me had been beautifully supportive all along. There is no single source of validation. Affirmation is truly everywhere.
Please don’t get me wrong. NN, while not top-of-mind this summer, has never been far away from my thought process. How could it be when I’ve been faced with remembrances of past shoot locations at just about every turn? With my summer drawing to a close, that niggling urge to post again flashed through my mind. I missed it.
Part of me knew that I had created my own monster, being so prolific and original with my posts, but I also knew that there was plenty of other enjoyment here for everyone if I wasn’t around. It doesn’t take much to become yesterday’s lunch.
So I wrestled with this inner game of tennis. Return or fade to black? The longer I stayed away, the harder it was to return. I didn’t want to feed the monster I'd created.
In the end, it was my friends here who stuck with me throughout my hiatus, and sent PM’s to make sure I was ok. Waiting weeks, and sometimes months for replies. Gradually, I felt the inexplicable draw, the gravitational pull back into the NN fold. For that and those of you responsible, I’m thankful.
Moving forward, I now know that my continued presence here needs to be about balance. Specifically, to indulge my passion for creativity without feeling like a sacrificial lamb. To be as much about words as images. To evoke smiles, laughs and conversation. To hone the spontaneity of some comedic chops in status, and to utilize the forum that this site provides.
Creativity needs an audience and NN had become my creative outlet. It fulfilled the photographer and the writer in me. It fed my identity and often encouraged my positive sense of self. So as you now know, all it took was one look at that watermelon two days ago and it was game over!
If I’ve felt pressure to keep producing for my followers in the past, that pressure was something I put on myself. And I acknowledge this, as I uploaded copious daily posts for months.
Looking ahead, the tricky part is figuring out how to manage my own expectations. To understand the proportion of where NN lies in my life, which I want to be a rich and creatively rewarding part of it as opposed to all of it.
Do I owe NN anything? No, but I wanted to share the reason for my chosen hiatus out of appreciation and respect for my loyal fan-base. Your dedication to my existence on this site means more than you know.
Is there any wonder I have such an attachment to NN and value my friendships here so much? One can’t put a price on that.
I ask your indulgence as I work this out. How I can strike a fine balance between too much of one thing and not enough of another. I want to build on my summer’s teaching moment.
Rest assured. I’m never more than a login away.