I can hop on the bus, do that job thing,
Deal with people and their need to be pleased,
I can listen and keep certain thoughts inside,
Finish with a smile and go to the next job with ease,
GO home shower and change to hang out not miss a beat,
In an argument to end it I can swallow my pride,
I can by my own clothes I still got the receipts
I can pay all my bills do my own tax filing,
I can multi task and do just about anything asked,

I can cook and clean,
Be sweet or mean,
Be your friend or enemy,
Travel farther than mankind dreamed,
Be there at a moment's call,
Be an open book or brick wall,
Be solemn or even a bit crazy,
Yes all those things I can do,
But I can't speak my feelings to you.

Could I be,
That sensation beyond definition,
Could I be,
the rest of your life's destination,
Could My voice remind you,
Of the first voice you ever heard,
Could I be to your eyes,
Like a blindman's first seen sunrise,
Could my body feel like,
Your baby blanket or favorite jeans,
When we share the same space,
Could I be,
A familiar but beloved mystery,
Could I be,
What you are to me,
Something special,
Could I be,
Beautiful to you.

I'm having one of those "I have ideas but they just aren't completely formulated/flowing" periods. Just watched my Skins lose. Seattle was definitely a good team, but I thought we really had a chance. REdskins, draft some offensive linemen! OUr current line is getting old and is constanlty hurt!! Maybe another running back. I like Portis, I think he needs a real back-up. Not too sure about Sellers at fullback, He had some mistakes, and then tried ot argue with the quarterback about where he was supposed to be, even after POrtis showed him where to stand!! Possibly another wide receiver and a quarter. God, I"m jabbering on about football now!! I think this is the first time I've done that in my blog!! Hell, if we have picks! We are forever trading picks for players that don't seem to work out.
MY wish list for the skins to acquire:

Draft least 3 good linemen
Get a good running back to back up Portis
A fast receiver with some height
Get another lineman who is a veteran of not more than 4-5 years experience.

I've come to realize,
I might not ever amount to much in your eyes,
No matter what great or small things I do,
I could bake you a cake,
3 layers homemade make you smile with each bite you take,
But it still wouldn't be good enough for you,
I've retired from the desire,
To be the moth fluttering around your fickle fire,
I can't make anyone happy without starting with me,
SO stare and glare,
Its quite all right if your disdain is still there,
I'm still gonna be me until the earth sets me free,
I climb my own mountain, happily going higher

Yeah go on and huff and puff,
I'm still going to strut my stuff,
My conscious is clear and free,
Call me creative or moody,
Or irresponsible happy go lucky,
I just don't see any duty,
Other than being happy,
Whether you love me or hate me.

I can comb my hair or shave it bare,
Let you pick and choose the clothes that I wear,
But it still wouldn't be up to your standards of fashion,
I could start the guitar,
Or learn piano but the song might not touch your heart,
No matter what I do, we might never have matching passion,
What I say or play,
What and whom I do is my decision each and every day,
Its all right if you want to turn your back or walk away,
You're still gonna listen friend,
Whether thick or thin I'm good with all within my skin,
So love me or hate me, It's not going to change today.

Here's the deal on the real,
If love for me you feel,
My devotion and helping hand,
IS at your beck and command,
But if your respect,
Is in any way suspect,
I won't handle it with scandal,
Won't turn out to be a vandal,
I won't even call you out your name,
I'll just keep on keeping on,
Harbor no hate sleep peacefully into the dawn,
Wake up and still be me,
Whether you love or hate me.

I was thinking to myself, what will I do,
Different to ring in a year brand new,
Ready to deal no more with the past 364,
Let it be gone, let these last hours fade like a song,
Playing on the radio I couldn't reach to change,
That I hummed along to even though the tune was strange,
Lord knows I thought the weight would make me break,
The wind so cold, it numbed my very soul,
I raised my head to the heavens holding back tears,
Thinking it's got to be better this brand new year,

The maw of oblivion agape, how could I escape,
Something I wasn’t used to, I was so down and confused,
My answers were dancers, all around me upon this stage,
Seasons and weather, are subject to nature's turning page,
Only the stones feel no pain, reason to atone nor alone,
I started to tremble, a wind tossed leaf I resembled,
Shadows crawling over me, ready to pounce if I went sprawling,
But as long as there is a crack of light, I will keep sight,
I'm stronger than mountains, even if at times I feel sorrow or fear,
I belong I am loved, yes someone's heart holds me near & dear,
I will let the sun rest on my back, and walk smiling bravely, ready to embrace a new year,

My stomach hurts, my head is in a fog. I just looked at my previous blogs and realize I was really tore up last night/this morning. Still nothing I said wasn't how I felt i just wasn't as diplomatic about it as usual. Some friends here had some really good advice for me. When I reflect on things I think that I have given the object of my affection hints, but it has always been in a joking manner. The lst time I felt like this many years ago the person brought it to a head and basically made me say what I was feeling. I was so stupid in the way I put it. Funny how the man who prides himself on having the right words and expressing oneself truthfully fumbled badly. This friend had more life experience than the present day apple of my eye. I just see so many wonderful things, so much life in him. I can't write a poem, that would be too obvious, but maybe a letter...

This was a poem I started to write but it just wasn't all there, or it could be I just stopped myself, like I have in other circumstances. Thank you again my friends.

Yes I asked to feel this way,
I invoked past, present and future stars,
The creator of all and spirits in my favor to know,
How it feels to have your eyes opened and heart so full,
To feel those butterfly wings flutttering inside my core,
Yes I asked for the opening of my inner door,
But I didn't ask that it specifically be to you I was pulled,
All I wanted between us was friendship to grow,
And I beleive it has thus far,
But there is still some things left to say,

It'll Be There

The time has passed,
From day to night and day again,
And here it is,
That unwanted feeling,
You make me laugh,
And you make me smile,
Make me comfortable,
Good friends, chilling for a while,
Even after our good night,
And long after you're gone,
Those adoring emotions,
Are still burning strong,
More than a friendly love,
Is sill churning in there,

It'll be there,
No matter how hard
I blink and stare,
It'll be there,
Wether I'm lying in bed,
Naked and bare,
It'll be there,
When I'm rich beyond compare,
It'll be there,
Even when I find,
Someone who really cares,
It'll be there,
When I'm old,
and I have no hair,
It'll be there,

I don't think you'll ever know,
Or ever quite understand,
For just how long,
My mouth was covered by my hand,
And then there came the night,
I had to find the courage,
Wether it was wrong or right,
To say what my heart felt,
No matter what answer you dealt,
And you'd been waiting for it,
My words didn't faze you,
I walked away so stung,
But all right it's true,
Friends was fine I swear,
But these feelings returned back there.
No matter when or where.
Love for you, it'll be there.

I amso fucking foolsish. I was trying to be so down to earth and life is a party. But I have fallen for him. Everything from his smile to his slightly raspy voice. If you met hin and I did not tell you he was who I had feelings for you would feel the same way. I keep telling myself be reasonable, be sane, when He has all these others to choose from, when he can felt so easily into the "normal" world why would it ever even flicker across his mind to see you in that light, even for a moment. Imagine going on a once in a lifetime vacation, and seeing the most beautiful landscape you had ever seen. You knew that you would probably never see it again, so you basked in it, soaked it up, memorized every detail. That is what is like for me to see him every time I see him. I feel so stupid and naive, I should know better, than to believe what I write, andin fairy tales. I feel like this burning foutain of passion and love, and it is for him if he wanted it. But I'm pretty sure he does not, htat I cannot be the oxygen to his flame as he is to mine. I find myself just fit to be tied, wanting to break shit because I yearn for him so much, he is beautiful and a part of me thinks that if someone as beautiful as him could find me worthy of lavishing my affections on him I matter. Its just fucking stupid, and I hear laughter at my stupidty. I'm drunk way drunk, and me being drunk is the only thing that's going to allow me to lay myself down in that big fucking bed aloone again for Creator knows how many time in a succession of lonely cold nights where I say my prayers and clutch my pillow trying to go to sleep. I'm so drunk I'm laughing at myself and my delusions of acceptance. I think about all the words I have written about unrequitted love, and how he is a new chapter in such things. HOw it would probably freak the shit out of him to know that my most recent writing are about him. Now in my mind as I prepare for bed I think about leaving the notes that tell all, but not being around to witness them being read by their intended audiences. That some collector might buy my writings and make my remaining family members rich and in such a manner they would be taken care of, and I would know peace, away from such things as desire, infatuation, suffering. I miss my care bear. when I used to hold it while goingto sleep it comforted me so much. My finger is itching to delete this but fuck it. Was I meant long for this earth. Was I meant to know that sweet bliss of being loved as the one? Or am I resigned to being the friend? Is it such a bad fate? Mother fucking shit bastard donkey xxxxxx toe sucking #%^&$#^%# I think I need a hug and a therapist. Thank you smirnoof vodka, beer pong and jungle juice for facilitating this blog. I'm sorry for anyone who reads this. I love you all, no matter what happens I want you to know you have made some special changesin my life. I'm going to have togo on ebay and finda dream time care bear, you know the cute blue one. I've decided it might fuck up things but I'm going to tell him before this years is out I got feelings for him. Thank you and fuck you for giving me emotions. everything esle is good though, you gotta love (HOLY fuck) 6 am drunk blogs.

OK I am a bit forgetful out there but I think I know who has requested copies of my book. I have four people confirmed whom I sent pms to let them know they would be on their way within the next two days. If you did not receive a pm from me and would like the three books let me know via PM with an address to send them to. I willl continue the special price of $3 a book plus shippping to you for until this Saturday the 29th. After that the books will be $5.95 which is just the cost of printing the books plus shippping. Also, please don't feel offended if you told me so before and I forgot. I've been a busy soul the past few weeks. Thank you again my friends and I will talk to you soon.

Well, I've finally been able to get in touch with a live person over the phone from the company I did my my [publishing with. She tracked my purchase and told me my books had been sent out on Dec 5th!!! Okaaaaaaaaay. She goes on to tell me that UPS tried to deliver it and put a note sayng they would try to redeliver the package. Well let's see, I got no first notice of them attempting to deliver it. THe woman says she would double check with UPS about resending it to me urgent no charge. The representative takes my number and says she will call me back with information on that. Twn minutes later I receive a call back from Fran the representative. The package was taken to the rental office and signed for by someone out of the office. So apparently my package has been up at the rental office for weeks. SO no notice from UPS, no notice from the rental office. Of course now the rental office is closed so I will finally unless God forbid something else stupid has happened will actually have my books tomorrow and I will be shipping out books to my friends. I'm going to reorder more and this time make sure to specify to contact me when they arrive with a phone call. I know what happened. I live in an apartment and these butt holes at the rental office will sign for something, and then not notify people. UPS has a habit of being lazy and just dropping stuff up at the rental office so the rental office will post pick-up notices on doors. I'm fuming but at least I know they should be here and the company actually sent them out quickly.