I am just about ready to lose all calmness. My stress level is just about as high as it can go without causing me to have a meltdown. I want to run and scream and cry and hit something. Instead I am walking around like a zombie and I hate myself for being like this.
I know there are people out there who are far worse off than me and I should thank my lucky stars I still have what I do. But I am tired of being screwed around. On the last cheque I got from work they put 2 cheques together causing me to lose $75 in tax. Then while I still had insurance I filed a claim and only got back part of it (was told I would get back dollar for dollar what I spent up to my limit). So now the money that was going to be for groceries is non-existant. Well ok so it exists..its just in my pocket. Then I find out for sure that the girl who was hired 3 months ago where I worked never got laid off. So basically I was replaced by her because 1) shes family of another co-worker and she was making less than I was (although I am not sure on that anymore).
Sigh the saddest part...I can't even go find a part time job because I don't have the money..yes thats right I don't have the money to work. I don't have a way to get there. Once January comes I think I will be fine but how the hell do I get there??
I won't even go into chat anymore because I am scared I am just going to blow and freak out at someone.
I am sorry I am such a downer. I hate people who go on like this yet here I am doing it. LOL good thing I don't get paid by the views I get.
Bah humbug! (and don't even get me started on Christmas. If one more person tells me about the great gift they are getting/giving I am going to slap them)

Looking for a ray of sunshine

..you don't multitask

So tonight I was doing a millon things like always. I honestly don't think I know how to just do one thing at a time.
So anyways I was....

Watching the Leaf game
Talking on MSN
Talking on the Phone
Chatting on a Forum
Making Nachos
Getting a Drink
and cleaning the kitchen

As every girl knows this is normal

So anyways all of a sudden I smell something burning and I remembered that before I turned on the oven I forgot to take out some dishes that were inside.
Just as I grabbed all that stuff out of the oven there was an explosion (well you know a big noise). I had a plate with a plastic cup on a burner and from some reason I had also turned a burner on. In my rush to get the stuff out of the oven I had left the plate on the stove.
So yeah the plate exploded, the cup on top melted...there was smoke, plate pieces and melted plastic everywhere.
For whatever reason I did not get hurt by the plate or burn myself. I even managed to open the window before the smoke alarm went off.

The scariest/most oddest thing...earlier in the day I was with tow friends. Both have had fires in thier homes at one point and we were talking about them.

wow
Thanking my luck stars

Woohooo

Today I went in and visited a friend who had a baby 7 weeks ago. Before today I had never gotten the chance to hold her as she was either sleeping, fussy, eatting etc. But today not only did I hold her (for like an hour) but I fed her too. Her mom was upset as she puked on me but thats just part of the joy of getting to hold onto her.
Something about babies makes the rest of the crap in the world go away.
I went to see about my EI claim today. Bad news is that I won't get any money until about December 23 or so. But the good news is that its going to be a whole lot more than I thought. Plus the laws are changing. Before on EI you could make up to 25% of your wages on a part time job and that money wasn't taken away from your cheque. Starting in December you will be able to make 40%.

So if I find a part time job I can hopefully make do. I am breathing a little bit more comfortable but I won't stop stressing until I know exactly how much I will be recieving every 2 weeks. At least I should have a place to live for at least one more month. =0)

A huge hug to all those who cared about me and were worried for me. I may not have responded to everyone but I have pretty much been a basket case for the past few weeks. Thank you for being there.

MWAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
beachy

When a GIRL is quiet...millions of things are running in her
mind....

When a GIRL is not arguing...she is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions...she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds...she is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you,...she is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest...she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday...she wants to feel important to you.

When a GIRL says I love you...she means it.

When a GIRL says "i miss you"...no one in this world can miss you more than that.


Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the
right person....
Find a guy...
who calls you beautiful instead of hot...
who calls you back when you hang up on him....
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep...
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead...
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats...
who holds your hand in front of his friends..
who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you...
who turns to his friends and says"...that's her"...

I got this email from a younger cousin and its just one of those forward this on a million times kinda email but it describes me so well. (well most of it)

I do hang up on someone wanting a phone call back (sometimes childish I know). I love kisses on the forehead...espeically after a long hot steamy kiss. I like to hold hands in public. Not all the time but let me know you are not ashamed to be with me. And to be called beautiful by someone and TRULY believe it is one of the best feelings in the world.

Have a great Monday all =0)

OK so I am going to have an odd weekend.
I don't want to get into things here but basically my role in a relationship has changed.
Wait maybe not so much my role by my eyes that viewed the relationship have changed. Not so much a bad thing as just...well odd.

Its funny how growing up people always say to children "Just wait until you are older and you will understand" and "One day when you are older....." lol. Well I am discovering they are right and that sucks! Does that mean everything I was told as a kid will come true?? "If you keep making that face it will freeze like that!" "If you play with yourself you will...grow hair on your hand/go blind/go crazy"

OK so if I don't pull my hair out or get sent to jail this weekend I will talk to you all later.

Have a great weekend all.

Basking in the sunshine
bd

I am going through so much in my head right now. Does anyone else feel like all they want to do is spend one hour outside thier head? All I do all day is think and trust me people its not pretty lol.
I feel like I am at one of those proverbial "forks in the road" of life and I am too scared to choose what way to go. I seem to always make the wrong choice and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to move forward not keep back tracking all the time. Blahhhhh

Everything just feels like I am out of sorts. The people I thought I was closest with are the ones who seem like they are the furthest away right now. The ones I haven't seen in forever are popping up everywhere.

Life is a journey not a destination (as stolen from somewhere LOL). I don't want my life all mapped out and in some little box with a ribbon, but I would like to know I am being held together by something (and sanity isn't it)

I can't believe I am free to do anything I choose (so long sa its free) and I am bored silly. Life eh...

I am going through so much in my head right now. Does anyone else feel like all they want to do is spend one hour outside thier head? All I do all day is think and trust me people its not pretty lol.
I feel like I am at one of those proverbial "forks in the road" of life and I am too scared to choose what way to go. I seem to always make the wrong choice and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to move forward not keep back tracking all the time. Blahhhhh

Everything just feels like I am out of sorts. The people I thought I was closest with are the ones who seem like they are the furthest away right now. The ones I haven't seen in forever are popping up everywhere.

Life is a journey not a destination (as stolen from somewhere LOL). I don't want my life all mapped out and in some little box with a ribbon, but I would like to know I am being held together by something (and sanity isn't it)

I can't believe I am free to do anything I choose (so long sa its free) and I am bored silly. Life eh...

Well as of 3 pm (well 3:15 if you count the paid break) today I am now unemployed.I could have stayed until 5 but really..what was the point. Wow what a strange feeling. I have been on my own since I have been 15 and I am now 27. Not knowing whats going to happen next or what I am going to do is terrifing. I am happy in a way...I did need to get out of that job and my life is ready for something new....its just that I wasn't ready for that.

I know somehow I will survive. If I can work a full time job while going to high school I can work 2 jobs until I can get enough money to get out of here. I am tired of this life. I want to be somewhere where I can be rewarded for working hard. I by no means need to be rich but I also like to know I have the next meal covered.

SO....I don't know where that leaves me. Lots of time for NN...but I kinda think I should take a break from this too. With all the pics being stolen and posted on other sites and such I need to watch my back while I am looking for a job.

I may live on an island already but if I could find a deserted one in some tropical place right now I think I would go in a heartbeat..as long as they had internet, a phone and oh a hair dryer....cause my hair needs to be tamed.

I walked into work one morning and my boss called me into his office. He told me that I was being laid off. It was about 7 weeks before Christmas and finding a job in my town is hard anytime but from Oct-May they are non-existant.
With what I would be taking home on unemployment benefits I was way under what I was going to need to survive, and I was fucked.
I started going through all the step you go through in a tough time. Denial- OK its first thing on a Friday this is a joke. They are looking to see what kind of reaction they get.
Anger - I demanded to know why people who were hired after me were being kept especailly since I had never been in trouble or anything. Bargaining- I laid out the facts why they needed me and and went through a millon what if's in my head.
Depression - I started to cry but hid it enough to keep my dignity.
I felt useless, worthless, unwanted and most of all scared to death.

******This all happened this morning, so its not exactly a memory yet. I am completely screwed. I was just making it pay cheque to pay cheque. To start making only half of that means I have to give up everything....no more pool league, no more lunches with friends, no shopping, no trip that I had wanted to save for, and within a short peroid no more NN, cause the net is going to have to go to.

I want to take my boss and beat the living piss out of him. He can't afford to keep me yet we are about to start building a new kitchen for him that will be worth 2-3 years worth of my salary.

This may seem like I am whining to a lot of people (and I am) and it could be worse. But I had just barely pulled my self out of the crap my life had been. I left the house my ex and owned with nothing but my clothes. Within a month or two I will have nothing again as I am going to need to sell everything I have to survive. I made it through 9 hours at work today without crying...I think that just ended

I am starting a new section in my blog called memories. The reason is I love reading back on different days and what happened. This is going to be different..more past memories but things I don't want to forget all the same. Feel free to read along or skip over the *Memory* ones. =0)

Firsts

Growing up I was never a girl with boyfriends all the time or even really experimenting much with guys. Guys were too much my friends and well nothing ever happened. So at age 19 I still never had a boyfriend or even a real kiss. Sure I had a few innocent ones but nothing major.

So a few weeks after my 19th birthday a friend and I were out at a club. At one point during the night she introduced me to a friend of hers and then we continued dancing. Later on at the end of the night the standard closing slow song came on and some guy walked up and asked me to dance. Thinking it was her friend from earlier I said yes. Well this guy was hot and after the usual name, how are you, etc questions over the loud music we were making out. Leaving the dance floor we leaned against a table and kissed some more. Looking over I noticed my friend was hooking up with some other guy.

LOL the next thing I remember some how we were standing with my friend and what ended up being the guy I was with's friend. LOL Suddenly the music went off and the lights came on....I was NOT dancing with the guy I was introduced to earlier. This guy was and I quote " Greg with a G (as opposed to what I am not sure lol)in an amazing Scottish accent.

We all left the bar and we took the guys on a tour of our town, ending up at this fantastic park over looking the water. My friend and her guy went one way and we went the other. We settled onto the grass, sat side by side and talked for a long time. Just about how things were so similar yet different in the two countries.
Of course sitting in the romantic moonlight, on a cool September night, with the remaining slight alcoholic buzz surrounding us we started kissing again. Laying me on the grass he continued to kiss me ...slipping his hand until the edge of my tank top. At this point I shyed away as I realized where we were and if I didn't stop it I wasn't going to be in control anymore. He was a perfect gentleman and immediatly stopped. LOL all I remember him saying was I such a "Cute lil tummy" which I have to admit sounds damn sexy in that accent.
We made our way back to the car and kissed a lil more waiting for my friend. After they came back we drove around some more and then stopped at a store. While my friend and her man were in the store I somehow (accidently???) placed my hand over his jeans. The pure hardness of it caught my attention and I slid my hand up and unbuckled his belt. He helped me pull the jeans away and suddenly I was touching my first cock ever. All I could think of was how accurate romance novels describing it as "Steel covered in silk" was unreally accurate. I played with it for a moment then we noticed our company coming back out. We adjusted ourselves but I kept my hand on it, under his jacket. We decided to call it a night and were driving the guys back to where they were staying when the funniest thing happened. At like 5 am a guy wearing a kilt crossed the street in front of us. They guys were yelling Scottish things out the window at the guy and I am sure he thought they were being rude but they were just so excited to see someone wearing a kilt lol. My guy jumped so much my hand slid off his cock and well that was the end of that.
We got to there place and Greg (with a G)and his friend were staying, and he looked down at me with a smile that told me all was ok (and I would say he knew his was the first real cock I'd touched). LOL and people wonder why I have a thing for accents and deep voices.

I think the best part of the whole thing was that I knew I would never see him again. There was no need to be embarassed or no dwelling over would he call/would I see him again

(*** Looking back I see how wrong I was with the messages I was sending. I just thank god he was one of the good guys)