casstess's blog post - A Letter to a Fictional Future Man

There exists such an odd disconnect between mind and body sometimes. Considering they are joined and influence each other, that is quite peculiar. For instance, even though I am completely aware that I am an exhibitionist, I am uncomfortable with parts of my body. Though I love showing off, I remain sensitive to certain things.

Perhaps it was something so simple as purchasing shoes today that brought this writing to my mind; that would be in combination with realizing three days ago that my rollerblades from fifteen years ago don’t fit anymore. I am a 33 year old, 145 pound, 5’8” female that had size nine skates I could only wear now if I chopped off my first two toes. My latest sneakers were 10.5, and the dress shoes I got today were 11 (for relative purposes, 9 ½ mens or 42 england). Being a swimmer, that was always a good thing, but what makes me even more freakish is that these shoes had straps, and my foot is so narrow that I will have to take a hammer and nail to make a tighter hole. I’ve always joked about my “flippers” but this incident made me realize that there are just some things that I would really need a man I want to be with (and wants to be with me) to understand.

I believe that a wonderful event would be to lay with that right man and guide his hand across my body and all my insecurities. I’d probably end with the feet, but I’ll start there because that is where I started this conversation. I’d explain; feel these, this is me. I have large feet; I’m kinda tall and they help me with gravity, especially because I am accident prone. Then again, I would want to share a laugh because they have also gotten me into trouble with things, like stubbing toes or dropping cement blocks on them. That basically sums up the point of this writing. I have features that simultaneously work for me and don’t. I can do little about them in most ways, and I really don’t want to. This is me.

I would hold hands with the man, show that I have long skinny fingers, and clarify that I feel self conscious of that. I would want to explain that I have superstitions regarding my left ring finger that I’m sure can be understood. I broke it playing Death Frisbee and it’s a little bent. …of all the fingers… I’ve always figured it’s a sign, or a curse…. I would need the man to know that.

I would guide his hand to my belly. I’m not fat; I’m not skinny; I know that. However, when I sit upright I get that pooch thing that folds a bit. I am really sensitive about that because I don’t have the six pack abs I see on the late night Chuck Norris athletic equipment commercials. I probably never will and I’m okay with that, but I would want to have my man touch me there and understand that is me. That is how I am. I’m just configured that way. I am not an airbrushed centerfold model that starves herself. I like bacon and beer.

I would then guide this man’s hand to my face. I have a scar on my lip from when my cat and I had what I will call a disagreement. Even though it’s fairly recent, this mark may never go away. It’s subtle, but at kissing range, probably apparent. I have scars on my arms from the little guy as well. None are real bad, but visible if one looks intently. Though I may not like these permanent marks on my body, I would need this man to understand that, although noticeable, they are nothing compared to the scratches on my heart.

This is where the body and mind conjoin. When we as individuals realize that each part of the body means something to the mind. The point is in trying to explain it to another. When the time comes, will I be able to do that? Will I be able to tell you all that is bothersome about me? Furthermore, does expressing these insecurities make you feel less secure about wanting to be with me?