The world lost this beautiful voice on Friday.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”

An Irishman's Philosophy

In life, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
And if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends
You won’t have time to worry!

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good.
Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage
her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate
her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even
par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite
her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble
that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in
the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's member is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.

In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

The Winter Olympics are with us again, so time to celebrate one of Australia's greatest athletes.

My Country by Dorothea Mackeller



I love a sunburnt country,

A land of sweeping plains,

Of ragged mountain ranges,

Of droughts and flooding rains.

I love her far horizons,

I love her jewel-sea,

Her beauty and her terror

The wide brown land for me!



The stark white ring-barked forests,

All tragic to the moon,

The sapphire-misted mountains,

The hot gold hush of noon,

Green tangle of the brushes

Where lithe lianas coil,

And orchids deck the tree-tops,

And ferns the warm dark soil.



Core of my heart, my country!

Her pitiless blue sky,

When, sick at heart, around us

We see the cattle die

But then the grey clouds gather,

And we can bless again

The drumming of an army,

The steady soaking rain.



Core of my heart, my country!

Land of the rainbow gold,

For flood and fire and famine

She pays us back threefold.

Over the thirsty paddocks,

Watch, after many days,

The filmy veil of greenness

That thickens as we gaze ...



An opal-hearted country,

A wilful, lavish land

All you who have not loved her,

You will not understand

though Earth holds many splendours,

Wherever I may die,

I know to what brown country

My homing thoughts will fly.

When Bob, an undertaker, came home with a black eye, his wife asked him “What happened to you?”

“I’ve had a terrible day”, says Bob.

“I had to go to a hotel where a guest had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag, because he had a huge erection!”

“Anyway, I went up and sure enough, there was this big naked man lying on the bed with a huge erection. So I grabbed his erection with both hands and tried to bend it in half!”

“I see,” said the wife, “That must have been terrible. But how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied, “Wrong room!”

A man is sitting alone at a bar. No one else is there except the bartender. All of a sudden, he hears someone say "Nice shirt."

He looks around, and nobody's there. A little while later, he hears "I like your tie." Looks around and, again, nobody's there.

Once again he hears the same voice say "You seem like a nice guy. We should be friends."

Again nobody is there so he asks the bartender.

What does the bartender say to him?

It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!