That got your attention didn't it?

Friday night I couldn't sleep. I lay there looking at the ceiling and just couldn't sleep. For once it wasn't memories keeping me awake really, although I'm sure that had something to do with it.

Earlier in the day I'd had a conversation with one of mrsdc's close friends, one who has been there for me since her passing, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She's one of the very few that knew about our "wild" side, so it's much easier to reminisce about things when you don't have to edit the conversation. LOL

I told her I'd been restless lately. I still grieve, but I'd grown bored and needed something besides work, cleaning house (which I'm not the best at I will admit) and surfing the net to keep me occupied.
I was also needing a sounding board.

I've been noticing women more lately, and not just in the way all guys do. And to be completely honest, I was feeling a bit guilty about it. She's been gone less than two months and I was already flirting with other women, on here, and in real life. Nothing serious but a bit of flirting all the same.

And while I felt guilty about it, I was also feeling good about it, which made me feel guilty again...yeah, you see the problem. Anyway, we had a good long talk and I realized I was worried too about what others would think if I was to begin to put myself back out there, not for a LTR or anything, but just to get out and have fun.

She assured me there was nothing wrong with me getting out and enjoying myself, and that mrsdc would want that. I knew that to be true but hearing another say it helped.

She has a way of helping you look at just what it bothering you, even when you're not sure what it is that's bothering you. LOL Several things were, besides the aforementioned guilt.

One was nervousness. I was nervous about spending time with the fairer sex because I'm still not sure if I'm ready for anything beyond flirting and just hanging out etc. One part of me is (and you all know what I mean) but my heart isn't sure. Neither is my head (the big one...no, the one on my shoulders), although my head is in a better place than my heart.

Confused yet? Now you know how I feel. LOL

Anyway, she helped me realize that there wasn't anything wrong with me flirting, or even more if the occasion presented itself, as long as I was upfront with the other person about my situation and feelings. So, guilt somewhat set aside (I'm sure it will be back from time to time) we then discussed my nervousness about such a situation should it arise.

I explained I wasn't sure, after 25 years of loving the same woman, I wouldn't make a fool of myself, or even if the guilt might assert itself again leaving me unable to proceed etc.

She looked me in the eye and said "You need to go to a strip club." I laughed. She explained. It's an environment where you can do a little more than flirting but don't have to worry about following through because you can't. It's not allowed.

So to come back to where I started this blog, I was laying there, staring at the ceiling, and couldn't sleep. It was midnight, and while I could have gone to the bars, I'm not one for drowning my sorrow in alcohol. Sure, I'll enjoy and drink now and again, and sometimes more than three , but sitting in a bar and drinking alone just doesn't appeal to me.

So I got up, showered, and headed out. Which brings me to the strippers.

I began by sitting up front, tossing dollar bills at the stage, and just relaxing a bit. I was surprised I didn't find myself feeling guilty, and even though it was a club we'd frequented in the past, her ghost wasn't everywhere as I expected. (I would have went elsewhere but it's the only one close so I didn't have much choice.)

On a side note, I found it interesting later when I thought about it, the girls that I found the most appealing were the exact opposite body type of mrsdc. I wonder still if that was a form of defense mechanism.

Anyway, after a bit this cute little girl with almost no boobs and a barely there butt hit the stage and for some reason she decided, out of all the guys sitting up front, to pick me to flirt with as she danced. I'm not sure why, but she did. Why doesn't matter, although I'm sure money was some of her motivation.

But I learned one thing over the next three hours, she was a very good listener, and very understanding. And before the night was over I found myself telling her the whole story and how I'd ended up there so late at night. That's when she told me I wasn't the first to tell her a similar story.

Men like you come here because it's safe she said, you can interact with a beautiful naked woman, and not feel pressured to to anything you don't want to do. If you want to leave, you leave, and no one's feelings get hurt.

She said she could tell from listening to me that we'd been happy, truly in love, and had a great sex life. Then she said something that has stuck with me.

"Men like you, who've had that awesome marriage with a great sex life, miss that. And you know deep down she'd want you to be happy. She'd want you to find that again. She wouldn't want you sitting at home alone."

She's right. I told her she should charge for therapy sessions and she laughed and said she made more money as a stripper and got to be naked all night, so she was happy doing what she was doing.

We laughed and talked, and she listened while I reminisced, and hugged me when I needed a hug. She was just what I needed last night. Strange, finding that in a strip club isn't it.

Am I ready to hop in bed with the next hottie that shows an interest? Probably not, but to be honest, until that situation comes along, I don't think I'll be sure that I am ready. I think, as she said, when the time is right it will happen.

And now on to the subject of fake titties. There was a dancer at this club once upon a time that mrsdc had the hots for in a bad way. LOL She was cute, A cup boobs and a tight little butt you could bounce a quarter on. She loved to sit with us when we stopped in (which was quite frequently at that time) and she and mrsdc really hit it off. She'd do her bit on the stage, and lap dances for those who asked, but unless she was busy earning her pay, she was sitting with us even if we didn't tip her a dime or buy a lapdance all night long.

She'd quit and moved away several years ago and then mrsdc's health started failing and we hadn't been to the club in a couple of years. The last time we'd talked to her she was going to take a break from stripping, go to Florida and get a boob job (more on that later) and maybe go back to school.

Last night as I'm sitting there talking with Sasha, my naked therapist, I hear them announce her stage name, and that she had recently returned to the club after several years away.

Well, she'd gotten a boob job alright, she's at least a C now, and they looked damned good on her. She'd put on a little weight, mostly in her ass and it hadn't lost any of it's shape, just gotten a bit rounder and more firm looking.

And she didn't recognize me at all, even when she stopped in front of me and I tucked a one in her g-string. This was early on after I first got there and Sasha noticed my interest in her and asked if I wanted a lap dance from her once she was done with her stage show. I explained my interest and she offered to get her after so I could explain to her about mrsdc.

I declined, not sure how she would react to the news, and waited until closing time at 4am, which was when I finally headed home, to tell her about mrsdc. She was visibly upset and even had to dab at her eyes. Once we got past the news and settle down a bit I asked her how things were going and she told me, like I hadn't already noticed, that she'd gotten a boob job.

Ladies, if you're thinking of getting this done, get what's called a gummy bear implant. Instead of a bag of liquid silicone or saline, it's a solid silicone implant (no chance of leaks) and I can say that it felt very real.

As a matter of fact one of the other girls, with large real boobs, offered hers for comparison and after careful examination and tactile exploration of both succulent orbs, I can say that blindfolded I wouldn't have been able to tell the real from the fake. And yes, I did more than a cursory examination.

She said she had them done in Florida and it was a fraction of the cost of having them done anywhere else.

So that's it on the fake boobs. gummy bear implants...who'd have thought. And no, they aren't shaped like bears.

I'm off to bed, I have to work tomorrow and as usual I have to be up at stupid oclock. Take care, and thanks for reading my drivel. Just writing it out helps me sort it out in my mind. LOL It was a strange night. Imagine going to a strip club and coming out feeling like you've been to a therapy session.

Night all.

PS, I think I'm going to be okay. I'm not there, but I think I'm on the right path. Thanks to all of you for your prayers, compassion, shoulders to lean on, and ears to listen when I needed to talk. It's also amazing how many friends I've found among the perverts here.

Let me tell you a little something about the most amazing woman I ever knew.

She was born with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (Type 3) and her parents say by the time she was 5 they knew something wasn't right. She walked "funny" and had trouble running.

Years of doctor appointments and trips to specialist ensued. At first she was diagnosed with MS, and then MD, but eventually they took her to the Mayo Clinic, where at age 12, they reached the right diagnoses after doing a muscle biopsy.

They were told she would be lucky to live beyond her 30's, and that she would never be able to have children. She was expected to be using a wheelchair by the time she was twenty, and given no hope of ever having a decent life.

We met when she was 19, and I was 18. She was so beautiful. It was love at first sight for both of us. I was amazed by her determination to lead a "normal" life and to achieve all her dreams.

She went away to college that year, while I stayed home and worked the family business. She refused to give in to her disability and despite her parents and administrators advice, refused to get an electric scooter or wheelchair to get around campus. She knew that if she ever started using one she would lose the ability to walk altogether and was determined to walk as long as she could.

We were married on July 25, 1992, less than two years after we met. I was 20, she was 21. We faced the world side by side, naive but determined to overcome all obstacles in our way.

In 1996 she wanted to have a child, despite all the dire predictions from the doctors. Some said she would never carry to term. All agreed a pregnancy would be hard on her and probably progress the advancement of her weakness.

She wouldn't listen and in Sept of 1996 gave birth to a wonderful baby boy who has since become a young man I am, and she was, so proud of.

The doctor's predictions came true, in a round about way. She did use a wheelchair while she was pregnant as the extra weight was just to much for her to bear. However, she began physical therapy after his birth and was soon walking again, astonishing her doctors. She continued to struggle to get around on her own two feet for four more years, until a fall that resulted in a broken leg made her have to start using a wheelchair.

She had graduated with honors with a degree in social work and spent her life working to make the lives of others with a disability better. She was Program Director for 15 years at a Center for Independent Living, and a constant advocate for the disabled.

Eventually her disability, and other medical problems, grew to great for her to continue working. Even then she worked to help those around her.

Our son's friends all called her "mom" and she was ever available to listen or dispense advice, or the occasional ass chewing when it was needed.

As her disorder progressed it became more and more painful, until even heavy doses of prescription pain killers could only dull it. The last two years of her life she seldom had a pain free moment.

This didn't prevent her from being a loving wife, mother, and friend to all that knew her. She was a fighter and she never gave up...ever.

On Wednesday, September the 2nd, at 2:17 in the morning, she left this world surrounded by her family and close friends after a brief but hard fought battle with a blood infection.

I held her hand as the doctors removed the respirator that had kept her going the last 24 hours as they, the doctors, did everything they could to help her in her fight against the infection. I whispered in her ear that it was okay to stop fighting, that she could let go and that I would be okay.

She drew a few short breaths and was gone. When I looked at her face she was grinning from ear to ear. I don't know what she saw on the other side that made her smile, but I know in my heart she's happy there.

I miss her so much. But she is finally at peace and doesn't hurt anymore, and that gives my heart some relief.

To all who have offered condolences, support, love, prayers, hugs and words of kindness...thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The flower garden that status has become in amazing. I can never express my appreciation for the support I've felt during this time.

God bless you all.

DC

I've received to many pm's and blog comments to address each on personally at this time.

I couldn't sleep again tonight so I wanted to take a moment to express my appreciation for the love and support I've felt. There are no words that can convey just how much they mean.

I'll try to answer the pm's individually over the next week or so.


We're laying mrsdc to rest Saturday afternoon. She'll be placed next to her Grandmother who passed many years ago and whose loss she still felt deeply.

She was an amazing woman who touched the lives of so many. Her FB page is blowing up with tributes and stories of the lives she touched.

I'm not sure how I'll go on without her, but I promised her I would. One minute at a time for now, one foot in front of the other.

I'm still not sure why God called her home, but he did. She's finally at rest, no more pain, no more suffering. He can have her for a while, but when I get there someday, she's mine!

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The days ahead aren't going to be easy but we are surrounded by loving friends and family. With their help, and with the love and support of friends here, we'll make it.

Now go tell that special someone you love them. I always did, many times a day, and I'm so glad I did. I know that she left this world knowing that I loved her. I have no regrets. We had an amazing time together despite her struggles.

Live life, love hard, and have fun. You'll never regret it.

I lost the love of my life. I can't sleep...

Keep us in your prayers please.

Please keep mrsdc in your prayers. She's in intensive care on a ventilator. She developed a bad infection that turned septic and is in septic shock.

Thanks.

DC

Man am I glad this day is over and done.

My father in law had a quadruple bypass today, and by coincidence my sister's mother in law had surgery in the same hospital today. She was having her surgery on her carotid artery due to a blockage. She made it through the surgery fine and then while in recovery went into tachycardia (extremely fast heartbeat) and coded out.

The doctor said they actually lost her for a minute but were able to shock her back. While that was going on they took my father in law in for his surgery.

They're both okay, and just down the hall from each other in ICU now. FIL should be coming home by the end of the week and my sister's MIL is doing fine also. Not sure how long she'll be in or what else they'll need to do (medication is controlling her heartbeat fine now but it's a wait and see situation with her).

So...it's back to work tomorrow and a grateful glance to the heavens.

Hope you are all doing well.

DC

PS, don't know your beliefs etc, but she said she saw a bright light and knew she was dying. She said she knew she had to come back though as she has her first great grand daughter on the way (due in May) and wanted to meet her.

Just a cool side note to end the day on.