I am working on a couple cd's for work tomorrow. Just feel like I am sick of just putting in favorite albums at work and putting up with some of the songs that just don't have the upbeat feeling that I need when I am at work at 6:00 AM. I've still got a stack of about 30 cd's to go through and question whether or not I will finish my cd's in the way that I truly want them to be.

Oh well, c'est la vie.

Anyways, work today was blah.

Too easy with no pleasant distractions except for one very dear hairy caveman.

But great since then...a nice bike ride thinking about all of the poor S.O.B.'s that don't know any better than to experience life through the windshield of their cars and boob tubes.

Work in the garden and work on the cd's...all fun and satisfying stuff.

I remembered a couple of anecdotes about you during this time that I thought you might enjoy...kind of shows how dirty us SOB's at work are. The first day you worked there Kevin and I were working. We oogled at boobies all day long as we watched you hang up skillets and pots...elbowing each other in the gut from time to time while whispering, "You have to look now!"

I didn't work the next day, but I knew that you and Kevin did...so I left him a note upstairs to not forget to call for "boobies on line!"

Tee-hee!

And the next time I worked with him he said that the next day you had worn a less revealing black shirt and we discussed how we needed to develop a kitchen policy regarding the display of boobies in the kitchen...

Tee-hee!

~hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, etc.~

A vivid memory recurred to me.

I took some acid with these people who I love but were some pretty dark people. Enjoyed fucking with people merely for the sake of fucking with people rather than for a valid reason.

Anyways, pot was broken out during the trip and I knew it was a bad idea but did it anyways. Freaked my shit out!!! Always did.

The vivid memory? They started to fuck with me along the lines of, "We are agents of the devil and you have just entered into our powers." Really freaky stuff when your mind has just been blown. Dark people, I tell you, love them and had tons of fun with them, but I realize that they are not the type of people that I can think back about and say to myself that they were really good friends.

That memory sprung back into my mind (it will never leave) and I thought about how good it is to be able to look around you and see so many angels (and that some of them even have boobies...talk about the best of both worlds!)

I love and appreciate all of you angels and will enjoy perving about you after work!!!

Woke up this morning after going through a lot of weirdness yesterday...weirdness that distracted me from my perving. Seems like all the weirdness was just weirdness so I felt good waking up. Then I went was walking through the house getting ready for work and I went into my "studio" where I still have the windows blocked up with pillows from my red light session...leave them up, I want to do another! Made me realize how happy my perving makes me...and how knowing other people who enjoy doing it themselves makes me even happier.

The opening lyrics to Michelle Shocked's latest album instantly started going through my mind:

"Jealousy and anger, greed and hypocracy
The seasons of human nature cannot take my joy from me"

Nope, can't allow the seasons of human nature take your joy away.

Here is the rest of the song:

"Little children did I tell you how the mockingbird
Called the animals together, tried to say a few words
But the squirrels began to chatter and the bees began to buzz
Just the way it is, just the way it was
What can I say? What can I say?
What can I say? What can I say?

Now everybody's talking but it makes no sense
Used to be a tree, now it's a picket fence

With the wild trees gone and no place to go
They put 'em in a zoo next to the monkey show
You can protest swinging on the garden gate
Mockingbird tried to warn you but it is too late
What can I say? What can I say?
What can I say? Oh what can I say?

He ain't gonna fight to say his piece
That's just the way it was, just the way it is

Talk to yourself on your cordless phone
Watch TV you see celebrities
You've got to sit outside if you wannna see stars
Used to swing through the trees but now they're monkey bars
What can I say? I mean, really, what can I say?
Oh what can I say? Oh what can I say?

Now everybody's talking but it makes no sense
Used to be a tree, now it's a picket fence
Oh he ain't gonna fight to say his piece
Just the way it was, just the way it is

What can I say?"

Love that woman! What a gorgeous soul she has!!!

Weird stuff today.

The girl at work that knows about my NN life came into work after someone else called in sick. She was all good and flirty with everyone at the start of the day, but by the time I left she was obviously distressed. She seems to be a very moody person and I know that there may be other things in there. I really wanted to talk to her about it, because I do consider her to be a good friend already, but it is kind of awkward with this bizzare dynamic going on. So I waited around in the back afterwards to see if she wanted to talk about what was bothering her, but apparently she didn't.

Coming home, I stopped off at a convenience store. Walked in and brought my stuff. The guy asked me if I worked at a restaurant. I said that I did. He said he could tell because he could smell it. He told me that he had just applied to my restaurant to be a prep cook (I had not identified myself as working at that restaurant). He gave me such a strange and appraising look, at least I perceived it to be as such, that I thought..."Damn, what if that is her guy?" I would say that this is the sign of a troubled conscience, but I know that my conscience is not troubled by who I am and that he brought up my restaurant before I did. Just a weird coincidence that mad me think that while I do not feel guilty for doing all of this flirtation, I do feel a little guilty for accepting that her positive response to flirtation, her intense and kinky nature and her not thoroughly explained statements that she does not mind it at all should make me feel guilty.

All of the flirtation that I have done in person (and she does flirt with pretty much everyone that is at all responsive to it) and on-line has not been done as an attempt to seduce her...it just instinctually seems to me that she is the type of person who I click with good enough to be really good friends with (and how many of those come along) and happens to be kinky. And to find someone that you can be really good friends with and talk equally openly about my real life persona and on-line life persona...priceless.

What a weird last couple hours. It will take a while to piece them together...a shame that I will be thinking rather than perving throughout the night...

but in a good state of mind.

Talk about two polar opposite days...

Saturday was a great day at work for me (us restaurant people get stuck working on the weekends quite a bit...) It had been a long time since I had enjoyed a day at work as much as that even though it was incredibly fatiguing. So fatiguing that when I got home I tried to take a nap...something that I hardly ever do. As I was trying to fall asleep, I started to feel apprehensive about a lot of things and my mind started to go off on some of tangents that were not enjoyable...reminded me why I don't often try to take naps. I need to decompress before I take a nap...not use a nap to try to decompress.

So I tried to distract myself. Biked around a while, listened to some music, tried to do a little painting...didn't work all that well. Finally decided to plop myself down on the sofa and fall asleep watching a corny movie...ennui!!! I was really disappointed in this 'after work' part of my day because I had really been looking forward to trying some red light pics.

Sunday was not a great day at work for me. Brunch day. There is a lot of very unprofessional banter in most our restaurant (such a wonderful group of pervs...makes me feel at home), but we are very professional when it comes down to actually doing the work...except for Sundays. Everything goes into chaos mode and I hate it.

Got home and didn't try to take a nap...started to take my red light pics after taking care of a few things. Lots of fun taking them.

And then I got to enjoy another pleasure...trading a couple of messages with LHS. She gave me a new concept of "line dancing" that was an awful lot of fun to think about. A woman that knows how to give a guy a wet dream while they are completely awake...that is something to be treasured.

Then I decided to start blogging here...my little favored form of expressive, if not necessarily creative, writing has always been such a healthy thing for me to do and I had fallen a bit away from it for a while.

My weird little new dynamic started me doing it again, but it has all been directed towards one person...unfair for her and unhealthy for me...so I decided to blog here.

Such a great day after work...

Polar opposites.

A couple of cups of coffee...a little writing (and recalling some stimulating memories)...a shower and a bike ride to work.

That is a good start to a day.

I got home and was pretty tired...but stimulated in some ways.

I looked into the backyard and thought about how long it had been since I mowed the back corner...the last time I pulled out the mower I did not feel like playing with the cord so that it would reach the back corner of our yard (I am an envirnomentalist after all...bike to work all the time and refuse to use any two stroke engines...no matter how attractive the term "two stroke" sounds)...I use an electric mower...one upgrade from the simple mechanical mower.

The grass in that corner is getting really high and bleached on the top from the grass going to seed...but I was watching my three cats stalk and run through the grass and it was too beautiful to even consider doing anything about it. Watching them run through the "savannah."

So I did nothing about it. Snapped off the dandelions in the front yard at the base so that I would not be accused of lowering property values in my neighborhood.

Went inside and fired up the computer. Thought about LHS and my new crazy dynamic and decided to take some pictures. Combination of red light and candlelight.

A lot of fun to take the pictures...made me as horny as it always does. I had to block off all of the windows in the bedroom with pillows and set up two red lights to get it to work and even then the definition did not come close to what I was hoping for, even though I liked the general effect. A new camera may soon become a must.

But it seems to have initiated some good stuff.

I admit that I have been somewhat obsessed with the development of this insane dynamic that has inserted itself into my life, coming at a time when I am already going through incredible paradigm shifting stuff...but it seems to me that most of this stuff is spinging from the fact that I realize that I must go through some paradigm shifting shit.

I am reminded of a cliche that has been repeated many times..."Step out of the darkness and into the light."

But I don't think that it is truly as cut and dried as that...more like stay away from the darkness and try to keep your own light.

Whatever...this blog is over except for wishing that I could give the people that I think truly deserve hugs a hug right now!

I thought about doing it somewhere else for anonymity's sake, but decided that that would be wrong.

One does not often find a community that they truly feel that they belong in and this is one of them, at least as far as I am concerned. So much healthier to whole-heartedly embrace such a community than try to enjoy it while remaining on the fringes.

I truly love you core people, gals and guys both. You have already meant a lot to me and I feel that you will mean even more to me as I follow my chosen roads!

As my good friends already know, things have been off the hook for me lately. I was already going through some intensely paradigm shift changing shit when something else happened. This girl who had just started to work at the restaurant made a cryptic remark to me about seeing my pic on line. I kind of stared at her open mouthed while she said something along the lines of, "yup."

Buzz and shock. Both heads buzzed while thinking the same thing..."What the fuck? This wasn't supposed to happen!"

I decompressed after work and thought something like this, "I love exhibiting myself, but I never meant for anyone I know to recognize me from my exhibition...certainly not somebody new at work."

But the thought that it had happened reminded me of the buzz I felt when I was caught completely off guard.

Kind of let things linger in limbo for a few days...then decided to get her e-mail address and start to talk about "things."

Cat and mouse games followed...she did not clarify her cryptic comment as I had hoped she would...

It seemed to me that she had seen nothing...but that thought was more disappointing than relieving.

So I told her about dziga on NN...

I first feared that I had been outed and then relieved when I found out that I hadn't been. But then I realized that I felt so excited by the thought that I had been outed that I outed myself.

Thank goodness that she has been so cool about all of this!!!