I do have a strange contradiction when it comes to commenting on pics.

Here we are on a site where we are displaying our bits for all the world to see in a feeling of sexual celebration (at least I hope most of us are doing it that way), yet I feel it is somewhat improper to just make dirty comments unless I know someone and know that it is appreciated.

Why? Ideas of proper conduct I guess.

It is interesting...through my recovery work of trying to help other people, I have heard a crazy amount of sexual stuff. The vast majority of people I have really had those talks with have done things far outside the scope of what I have done. I've never cheated on a girlfriend. Only a couple of one night stands. Never done the misleading a girl on only to get sex bit. A whole bunch of stuff. I've been shockingly "gentleman like" in those regards compared to just about everyone I have hung around with throughout my life.

An old idea which still runs through my head is that women are just sexual in the context of emotional relations rather than just the physical. That sex just for the sake of sex isn't part of the female vocabulary.

There were lots of problems in my marriage. I do choose to own up to everything now, for I was not a victim of any of her issues as I thought myself to be for a long time. I had choices.

Anyways, one of the problems was lack of sex. When we discussed it, our viewpoints were different in a fundamental way. I would bring up physical intimacy leading to emotional intimacy, she would bring up emotional intimacy leading to physical intimacy.

I know that my thinking in regards to the differing sexuality between men and women is far too black and white, but those old ideas are hard ideas to rid oneself of. NN has helped immensely with that, although those lingering suspicions crop up even here.

I sense a big disconnection in my thoughts in this area. There is some kind of lack of freedom going on in all of this.

I have a feeling that perhaps a trip down the dirtier comment direction may happen in an effort to challenge that old idea in that way.

Life is an adventure!

Always gets me...

so here it is...good follow up for the last post showing why it is obviously good for me to go the "spiritus contra spiritum" route.

I had been back in Wisconsin for a couple of months, having been driven home from Oregon to WI by my father. Trust me, I couldn't get myself back on my own. That was the first and only time that I started to get hit with some serious Delerium Tremens problems.

Get back to WI, move in with the parents. I was pretty non-functional. Got a job, lost that job right away due to drinking. Not on the job...even though I was doing that right away thanks to those plastic vodka mini-airplane bottles, but for missing work due to getting drunk. I had been dragged pretty much unwittingly due to be still drunk from the night before to my first AA meeting by my parents. All I remember from that meeting was I interrupted a lot of people, was pissed off and blamed it all on my ex. Anyways, I got lost on the way to work by my mental confusion and did the only thing that I could do at that time...brought a bottle, got drunk and passed out in my car. Rightfully fired. That's not when I got my DUI, just how I lost my job.

I was going through the divorce stuff with my ex and was really unfairly pissed at her for a lot of things. When sober I was okay, but when I was drunk I was a raving lunatic towards her. Embarrassing behavior that was unjustified.

Anyways, I went to a meeting that morning. I decided to do some Christmas shopping afterwards. The brilliant idea, "If I buy some of those small boxes of wine, everyone will think I am drinking juice as I walk through the mall doing the dreadful chore of shopping." And so it begins...

That day I purchased my first cell phone ever. I hated cell phones because I liked to be away from phones, not closer to them. But my parents had barred me from using the phone in an attempt to stop the raving lunatic and I was becoming that raving lunatic as I drank so it was time to buy a phone.

It was one of the few days that year that it snowed. Shortly after leaving the mall, I got stuck in the snow. Managed to get my car out. Brought some beer and more wine.

Called my soon to be ex, raved like a lunatic, got more angry...probably started to drink faster.

I was just kind of driving around aimlessly because...well...because. Couldn't go home and just drink and if I was to have any to drink there I would have to sneak it in. That wasn't much fun and I had a habit of not being too clever with my tracks.

Got stuck in the snow again. This time it was harder to get out and a woman came out of her house, found out who I was and called my father. I think she mentioned that I had been drinking.

My father got there just as I freed the car from the snow. I was going to follow him to a church parking lot and then ride home with him. Shortly after starting to drive after him, the realization hit me...I didn't have enough booze left to get properly drunk. I needed a bottle. So I veered off and went to the liquor store and got a bottle...probably vodka.

Okay...now I can drive home.

Around the corner, car slips again, back into the snow. First thing I see when I look out the window...a Christmas Reindeer light ornament knocked down by my car. Shit. Try to get out. This time I am STUCK. Crap.

People start walking to the car. I knew I was screwed and accepted that (perhaps wasn't true...it was snowing, I could drink immense amounts and come off as reasonably sober and perhaps just shoveled out...I honestly don't know if I was legally drunk or not at that point. I certainly wasn't close to drunk by my standards). But I couldn't face talking to anyone.

My car had seats that you could pull down from the inside. So...another bright idea. Grab my bottle, crawl into the back and just sit back there and drink until the cops find me and do whatever they will do with me. Obviously I started drinking hard because I won't be able to drink once they find me. I soon passed out.

When I came to, the car was moving...backwards. I was being towed while still in the trunk of my car. A stroke of good fortune! I could still drink!

It turns out that in the meantime, a woman had told the police that they saw me get out of the car and run into the woods. Once they contacted my family, it was reported to them how suicidal I was and there was much speculation that I had ran into the woods to figure out how to off myself. I thought a lot in those days of just driving into concrete bridge abutments or a lake. Couldn't drive anywhere without those thoughts with me. Hard to believe how much I wanted to die back then.

So they were searching the woods for me. Also in the meantime...remember it was snowing pretty bad...another car slid out of control and ran into a tree behind me. The cops got distracted, never looked in the trunk.

So...soon my car and I are dropped off at the impound lot. Sure, it is snowing and it is a little cold, but not too bad and I've got some of my booze left plus, glory be, the cops didn't take the beer or wine that was in the front of the car!!! Whew.

So I drink a bit while pacing the 10' barbed wire topped impound lot, calling my ex to rant some more.

Finally, I've got a real problem. I just drank everything that I had and I'm locked in an impound lot. Wanted to call someone to rescue me, but I had used up all the minutes on my phone. Tried to recharge minutes...couldn't do it. Probably about 2 in the morning by now.

Okay, I'm screwed, lets get this over with. I call 911 and tell them I'm locked in an impound lot and I'm going to freeze to death. A little over dramatic I'm afraid.

The cops show up after a little while and I was horrible. I don't remember too much but remember resisting a little bit and I remember telling them that it was their fault that we were out there at 3 AM in the freezing weather. "If you incompetent dumb asses would have done your job, you would have found me in the trunk and we wouldn't be here."

Beautiful, isn't it?

So I get taken to the Po-Po station. I was at the end of my rope in so many ways. I resisted a bit more, they slammed me into the wall. Rightfully so. Again, I don't recall a hell of a lot of this clearly, but I recall clearly asking them to take out their guns and just shoot me and please get my miserable life over with...I was not kidding. They didn't oblige.

Into the station, cuffed up. Had me to a sobriety test. Man, I failed miserably. I had a good amount of booze left when I hit the impound lot. That day must have been about 8 mini bottles of wine (two full 750's), a six pack of stronger craft beer and a 750 of vodka. Stumbled into the wall during the sobriety test.

Back to the office. I'm now full of stuff about how they are trying to railroad me into a DUI. "I wasn't drunk when the accident happened. I got drunk after you idiots didn't find me and got to the impound lot. I want to call a lawyer. I know my constitutional rights. You fascist pigs." Etc... Ugly.

Breathalyzer time. Blow into the tube...I failed to blow strong enough for long enough even though I sincerely tried. They come back with the test results some time later and report the failure. Again, "You assholes. Trying to railroad me. C'mon...be honest. The reason you want me to do it again is because you didn't get the numbers you wanted. Why the hell should I do it again?"

Anyways, I tried to do it again after a while. Again, I couldn't blow hard enough for long enough even though I sincerely tried. You really have to blow in some of those models that they use. So they started accusing me of intentionally screwing up the test. Lots of back and forth...lots of ugliness on my part.

They finally called my parents to get me. Why they didn't lock me up or send me to detox I haven't a clue. They should have.

All the way back home talking about the movie, "Thin Blue Line" about a guy wrongfully convicted in Texas for a murder of a cop. Wrongfully convicted because the cops and judges wanted a confession to end the case. They got it through pressure and coercion. I went on and on about how that was happening here, fully convinced that I would convince everyone that the only time I truly started to drink was after I got to the impound lot.

Ugly.

But there it is.

I drank a number of times after that before I finally got sober...because I had plans.

"If you see an alcoholic drunk in the gutter, you can be sure of one thing about them. They started that day off with a plan as to how they were going to WIN."

"Spiritus contra spiritum."

-Carl Jung

Translates as "Spirit against spirits." People can say and think whatever they want, but this is why I have strung together more than six years of sobriety. Some common words for alcohol: Booze, hootch, liquor...and spirits.

If I go back to my childhood, I was a pretty unhappy kid...for no real reason. The main way this presented itself was an intense self-consciousness. Pretty much all of my memories of my childhood involve being shy and ashamed. Of what? Things I did that were insignificant. Often I had those feelings for no reason at all. It just was. Never feeling like I fit in and the only answer I could come up with for how to start fitting in was to act like I thought other people would want me to act.

Then a huge, huge moment in my life. Discovering what alcohol did for me. The first time I drank, I drank to ridiculous excess. Started with a couple of beers at work and it was set into motion. Felt wonderful. Felt free. Felt like the cares and worries that continually beset me were lifted for the first time in my life. I went home and started attacking my parents booze...which was all from their wedding party some 20+ years previously. They don't drink. I remember skipping up and down the stairs (room was in the basement of the house) absolutely giddy at how wonderful I felt. How wonderful and simple life suddenly seemed. I don't know if alcohol generally does this for people, but it did it for me. I understood the statement, The elixir of the Gods. Not for the taste, but for the way that it changed me and therefore my reality.

Imagine having a headache until you are 16. You finally discover aspirin and experience the first relief you have felt. Damn straight you are going to take more!!! And I did, an immense amount more. Increasing in total quantity and frequency over the years to amounts that started to astonish even myself.

So...almost 20 years of changing my perception of reality in that fashion. Slowly my perception of reality shifted further and further away from "real" reality until everything was one big cluster fuck. Despite the ever increasing difficulties and pain, my mind and spirit remained fixated on the thought that alcohol was still that same aspirin that worked in the past. And insidiously it did still somewhat work, giving me moments of peace throughout the turmoil of life. Those few moments of peace seemed to be worth everything, until it wasn't.

Now...drinking is too much of a problem, but so is life. I don't drink and all those yuck feelings that were with me as a kid come back in spades. I remember clearly trying to stay sober by just trying to not drink. Life grated on me a bit more and more every day until day 10...I completely buy into the notion that the only things that make sense are to drink or commit suicide because I can't take life. So I drank even though I made all those promises not to.

Caught in an impossible state. I can't drink because it is waaaaayyyyy out of control, can't stand staying sober. That is a dilemma.

Finally: "Spiritus contra spiritum." How I resisted that at first. Intellect screaming at me that everything related to spirituality thought up by someone else, everything about religion, is pablum. The opiate of the masses. That finally seemed like it was worth a shot because there were no other options besides oblivion left.

Oh, what I learned. The number one thing: I can use spiritual tools to change my perception of reality. Usually slower and takes more effort than popping open a bottle and guzzling, but obviously better. Thinking about the lawsuit I talked about in the last post as an example. Certainly I have reacted to the events with negative feelings as in natural. But...rather than hold onto my anger, hold onto feeling like a victim, I can turn things around. At the moment, I feel as much pity as disgust with my ex-landlord. She has lied blatantly about some important things. She ends up with renters being enemies rather than friends (she has apparently been to court somewhat often). All of this because she is trapped by material concerns. She is an unhappy woman, obviously so. And she is stuck. What a horrible way to live and it appears that she will be living that way until something really changes. That's just one slight example of a new sort of thinking that changes my perception of reality to make a more beautiful world for me. Of how I don't have to be trapped by things that used to trap me. Of how "Spiritus" works against my sometimes skewed perception to keep me from relying upon "spiritum" to change it.

Filing suit in small claims court. Never taken any legal action against anyone...I feel such things are done far too often simply to try to make a buck. I look at the legal system as a last line of defense to right wrongs, not something to be used for personal gain.

We recently purchased a house...something that I thought wouldn't happen for at least another five to ten years but things fell together perfectly...and moved out of our last apartment.

At various times in the past few years, money has not been flowing in at great rates. Some of my apartments have been found on the basis of what is the cheapest I can find. Can imagine that this has ended up with some "slum-lord" landlords. And it has...

Our last apartment was a step up, a much nicer place. But the treatment from our landlord was by far the worst we have had. She was incredibly disdainful towards us and all the other tenants. She was disorganized. She mistakenly told us over a month before we had to move out that we had to renew or move out in a matter of days and then hit us with new requirements for the lease. Whatever.

We have always gotten 90-100 percent of our security deposit back, she is trying to keep our entire security deposit. The basic problem...or the basis of her contention...is "smoke damage." Yes, we are both smokers (I know but we are alcoholics in recovery. It's almost expected of us) and rented the apartment as a smoking apartment and being open about our smoking.

So she is now trying to keep the entire security deposit, most of it for "smoke damage" by which she means a lingering odor of smoke. Renting an apartment as a smoking apartment and then trying to keep the entire security deposit because there is a smoke odor after the tenants move out? WTF???

I would probably just eat the whole thing in the normal course of events because that's often just the way I am. But her continual disdain, continual complaints about all her tenants, being very two faced in her interactions with us (she commended us on the state of the apartment during a walkthrough)...signs of something being very wrong and the security deposit thing makes it seem very likely that she does the same sort of thing with her other tenants.

Probably grandiose thinking, but a big part of my reasoning for going through with something of a nature that I generally refuse to go through with is to promote some sort of change. The landlord is a miserable woman. Getting her mortgages paid off and her bank account growing due to her tenants and basically hating them and what she does. That is a sad state of affairs.

One of the things that I try to do is to look at things that disturb me from an entirely different angle that frees me from a narrow perspective that I may get trapped into when looking at them. In this case, I am trying to look at her as trapped in her troubles. To have such horrible relations with people who are your customers that you can build relationships with. To grab an entire security deposit because one is so consumed with squeezing every penny that one can out of a transaction even if it, at the least, borders on unethical behavior. That is a sad way to live.

When does change start to occur? Usually when some sort of bottom is hit. How to protect her other tenants from similar things? Bottom. I'm sure that some of this is just rationalization on my part, but do believe that there are some very pure motives underneath it besides simply to right a wrong done to me.

Life is an adventure!

May turn this into a forum post too...

I have clearly learned some things about myself from my time on NN. Actually very cool because really my time on here started due to sexual frustration in a marriage, something that I now see as being primarily my fault once the first phase was over due to my drinking and the depressed victim personality that my alcoholism allowed to take over. (Just want to keep clear that I don't blame my ex anymore for that. Maybe not to inform anyone else, but to remind myself!)

Anywho...I'll go at this in no particular order.

I have been relieved in my time on NN in confirming that I tend towards the sensual, erotic, emotional, artistic pics that say something rather than the graphic ones. I say relieved because I know that my self image was and is towards that...but I've learned enough about myself to know that I can lie even to myself about what I really like. A strange thing, but there it is. I am also in touch with the fact that even though this is the case, a woman's body almost always has a deep attraction for me. That is a part of me that I can't and wouldn't want to wish away. To deny that part seems to be denying a part of beauty regardless of what is viewed to be proper in so many circles.

Guess it also goes to show that my interest in NN and such things was not the result of inhibitions reduced by alcohol but simply a part of who I am.

On the flip side, all of this has kept me in touch with this slight guilty/abnormal feeling regarding my sexuality that hasn't quite been fully resolved. I post face pics, done a couple of videos, express a lot of myself to a lot of people at different times, am fully aware that my pictures can be stumbled across...and am okay with that. But there is still that low level of those feelings assuredly brought about because I haven't fully resolved the conflict between my sexuality and what I grew up thinking was the norm.

I have certainly learned that taking pictures/having pictures taken of me is a huge turn on. Trust me, it is not always intentional that I am hard in so many of my pics. Once the picture taking starts, Mr Winky tends to wake up and not want to go back to rest.

I have definitely learned that I am not into sexual power games. Sometimes there are pictures that I appreciate, but won't comment on because of the title. Stuff like, "cumslut spreads her legs for you." Also won't comment when it is implied that pictures are being posted by someone other than the person themselves. The whole posting my wife, ex-girlfriend, girlfriend without her knowledge...whether that is honestly the case of someone just trying to tap into that fantasy. Something that just shouldn't be done...plus the pictures are much more real for me when it is clear that the model wanted it to be there.

Learned that while I have always had an instinctive enjoyment of women's bodies, I also enjoy artistic, erotic, sensual pics of men's bodies as well. I can even linger enjoyably over an artistic cock pic. Strangely enough to me, I often find those more enjoyable that close ups of women's naughty bits. More room for expression? Just the fact that so many close ups of women are them spreading themselves open rather than artistic? Don't know. Only come across a few women who did close ups of themselves that I really enjoyed, only_you certainly springs to mind. They had some amazing photography!

Along the same lines, it has definitely made it clear to me that while I am not gay and have no interest in anal sex, either giving or receiving from men or giving to women (always been fascinated by pegging though), giving a blowjob is something that I sometimes fantasize about. Interestingly enough, I have also realized how my tastes in pornography have definitely shifted over time. When I was young and first encountering porn, almost nothing was as exciting to me as lesbian pornography. That is much less intriguing to me now and I feel like there is something missing if there isn't a man involved.

I have learned that it is definitely possible to start off a friendship with perving activities and have it grow into something far, far deeper; that overt sexuality is not a hindrance to relationship growth.

Much as I hate to admit it, I am certainly aware that, like so many, I have underlying body issues. A certain amount of my interest with NN involves sexual validation to lessen insecurity issues. Trust me, its far better than it has ever been. But ever since I became self aware, insecurity issues have been a huge part of my life. When you get to know a lot of alcoholics, you get to know how strong and common those feelings are among alcoholics and addicts. One of the common original attractions of booze and drugs for us is it allows us to interact without those insecurities blocking us for the first time in our lives...so it is no surprise that we chase and chase that "freedom" to the point of serious detriment.

While at first it was a bit strange to receive some graphic responses from gay/bi men to my pics, the dirty pm's and all that, it has definitely cleared up that homophobia is not a problem for me. I have no issues with guys looking at, fantasizing about, jerking off to, responding in a crude fashion, etc...to what I have done on here. In fact, I enjoy that they get pleasure from my pictures and the thoughts that they may inspire.

Okay...that's enough for now.

Life is an interesting happening. Our reactions to it can be a frightening xxxxx. I have come to terms with the belief that just about all my pain in this world has been brought about by my trying to control things that are beyond my control. It's a far easier life when I let life happen and adjust myself to it rather than trying to control it. When a lot of people hear that, they tend to think that it implies passivity, but I don't find it the case. There is a lot of response, a lot of action to influence the way that things occur in my immediate surroundings...and even in a lot of non-immediate surroundings. The problem simply arises when I go from accepting what is and trying to influence it to trying to control those things. Tilting at windmills. Bashing one's head against a wall.

There are a lot of reminders for me in life to bring this back to the forefront of my thoughts...but it first really became meaningful to me when I was looking back over my entire life and I could truly see that in every case in which I was upset with someone or something, the similarity was that I wanted to control what those people or things should say, think, act or do. Every case. I saw that not only was I trying to control some things, I was essentially trying to control everything. Remember listening to this one guy once talking about how he spent a good part of his life hating the Pope and the concept of it. Then, one day, it struck him...he didn't actually hate the Pope and the concept and the power and the etc... What he really hated was that he wasn't the Pope.

If my unhappiness is caused by the people and things around me, then I am probably screwed because all those people and things need to change for me to be happy. If my unhappiness is caused by MY reaction to those people and things, then all that needs to be changed to be happy is my reaction. I find this to be one of the most hopeful thoughts that I know of.

Live free. Don't let your life be dictated to you by your perceptions of others.

for some slow enjoyment in a canoe. Was supposed to be a kayak, but things work out the way that they do. Gentle reminders from nature that beauty and serenity is all around us. Simple pleasures abound in this world of ours and one doesn't have to have anything but the ability to appreciate to enjoy them.

I'm full of philosophical codes that are wonderful but don't quite have the ability to fully live up to. Anyone relate? I'll keep on trying to get there by transferring them to spiritual rather than philosophical codes. Wish me luck!

Seems like there is a lot more to do.

Weekend is here, good times. Helping someone tonight, hoping to get to some pics tonight (pretty much always ends up in some wonderful sex), kayaking tomorrow...got to do some stuff in a little hobby/business I started (making t-shirts), Packers, a great meeting on Sunday night...and I suppose somewhere in there I am supposed to figure out working on the house...just bought a house about one month ago, definite fixer upper but considering I thought a house was a long ways away...wonderful! The freedom to not have a landlord, the freedom to do what we want with it...and not having to move anytime soon! Hooray!!!

I've ended up in a crazy corporate kitchen. Nothing like I ever expected I'd be doing. Really cool progressive company, the people who work there are truly committed to excellent food and are great chefs, different menu every day...exciting although I find it more fun to make a lot of little things rather than only one or two big things. C'est la vie. Until my rich friend decides to blank check me a restaurant of my own, that's probably how it is.

Was thinking the other day...I know my posts on sexuality can be stuffy. I am not rigidly for something, not rigidly against anything except for violent stuff. Sexy women, sexy men...doing what they want to do...that's something to all of that no matter if it aligns with my personal favorite tastes or not. The big key for me is that they are doing what they want to do, that's when the natural passion shines through. Yes, I enjoy the sensual, the erotic more than the overt...but both are likely to grab my attention and get me up!

Nice to be back on NN, nice to be able to do it with my girl although she won't be posting anything. Understandable. You would think that it would make me happy that she prefers to look at girls pics more than guys...but there is a part of me that wishes it was more equal. Something about raw sexuality I suppose. Guess I'm not so much the jealous type!