Today I'm doing nothing,

because I was doing nothing yesterday and I wasn't finished.

I'm no quitter.

~

Two women inherit their father's ranch.

One woman is blonde, the other a brunette.

As time goes by they experience money difficulties.

Realizing they will need a bull to breed their cows,

the brunette tells her sister she is going in to town to buy a bull

and when she buys one, she will send her a message to bring the truck and trailer to pick it up.

She purchases a bull for $599.00.

She heads over to send her sister a telegram to come.

She asks the man in the office how much to send a wire to her sister.

The man tells her it is $.99 a word.

The brunette thinks for a minute, then tells the man to send one word: comfortable.

The man asks her if she's sure her sister will understand her.

She tells the man her sister is a blonde and that she reads slowly.

She will read the message as:

Come for the bull.

~

God forbid I should ever slip into a coma.

But if I do...

please hook me up with some language tapes,

so that when I emerge I will be multi lingual.

~

If anyone was thinking of getting me something for Christmas,

I take a 7 day Caribbean Cruise.

~

Is there a non-traceable way to get rid of someone you abhor?

Asking for a friend.

~

People can only push you away so far before you just turn around and walk away.

~

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years without a brain.

Billions of humans have as well.

~

I hope everyone has (or had, depending on your time zone) a great Thanksgiving.

The only day of the year I can say this without offending -

Get stuffed!

~

A wife has to go to Italy for a work conference.

Her husband drives her to the airport.

"Is there anything I can bring you back?" she asks him.

"An Italian girl." He replies.

When the wife returns from the conference,

the husband picks her up at the airport.

"How did the conference go?" he asks her.

"Fine.", she replied.

"Where's my gift?" the husband asks.

"What's that?" she asks him.

"An Italian girl." he says.

"Well, I did what I could." she tells him.

"We'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl or not."

~

Whoever came up with the saying

'I slept like a baby' like it's a good thing probably never had a baby...

unless they think getting up every two hours like they would to feed or change an infant is a wonderful thing.

~