Tony Welch
January 1, 2017 • Ellisville, MS • 3
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I
was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, l'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control: and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries);
pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT
THE...!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' ourself with a Tazer.
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 Ibs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparentlv I had crapped in mv shorts. but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!
