The moment

I come to you from the floor of my bedroom back against wall under the big window it’s a room flooded with natural air and light from a completely blue sky.
I’m smoking a joint, I have a coffee and it all paints a very relaxing picture.

But I tell you guys and only you guys. I AM A FUCKING MESS and it all almost crashed in one big heap. So here I am riding the precipice of a panic attack trying not to tumble off. This is helping I’m calming as I type.

I don’t like surprises! I like to know what’s happening and feel prepared It helps with how I maintain calm during “moments” eg. Deaths, bad weather, exams. So I’ve been a good girl, in jan I stated stocking bits and pieces. About an extra bit every time I wen to the shops ( not toilet paper I have a regular online order always have). Yesterday all I needed was some chicken for “later” I figured couple trays of breast and couple of fillet failing that 2 whole chicken. Well no meat okay they was some pork but I’m not that well paid this is for the apocalypse cheap cuts only (I joke I joke). The shelves throughout the shop were barren so I left with a 1kg box of frozen crumbed fish fillets. We have food and extra but the chicken is necessary as once this ship is full speed in Aus I don’t want to leave the house. (The chicken was what stared my fall into panic)

This morning though was worse. Again I’m a good girl I listen to the advice the experts give. Keep the kids in school “herd immunity” they say. Okay so Monday I send them. Today I hear UK is saying no “herd immunity bad” and I’m like *pulling a school shirt over a kids big head* what where the fuck do you think our guy got his opinion from. So I got kids getting ready to go on a bus to school every other mother fucker in the country screaming shut the schools, and I’m like bitch I gotta kid in grade twelve studying to get marks high enough to get into the most competitive fucking corse Universities offer.

Ffffuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Deep breath

Toke

There will be chicken

Someone will tell me what the fuck is going on with the schools and how they intend to educate my children ( the younger are fine but I can’t do physics) during this madness.

Mr molly won’t get quarantined on a mine

everyone will stay away from my mum

I think for Australia we are watching country after country go though it like dominos there is this odd imminently inevitable moment sitting right on our doorstep and for this morning I’ve not handled it well

Good luck world

Friday repeat

That keyboard though

Assuming I did this right ....... See lip rocks in cement .......yes I practiced making cement while I was making the driveway shut up I love it




My faithful helper



The cat helped as well

Xoxo

Mr Molly is off back to his single room and buffet breakfast, lunch and dinner. I hate to admit it but yey!! I love the man but two months is enough time to make even the slightest thing about each other lead to irritation.

Okay yeah cool I’ll be lonely and sad before you know it but for now .....I’m..... me.... I have spent days hovering over my desert rose seedling farm (every seed has sprouted) I have an albino! He’s extra special. I have cleaned out the garage, shed annnnd the under stairs storage!!! I slashed out the back, the rain and humidity turned the yard into a jungle in four days so the mower wasn’t going to cut it. The cat has become super mummas boy. Oo oo I’m going to be an Aunty again it was a surprise so it’s pretty exciting also yey it’s not me . Unbeknownst to most of you since I’ve been here I had a ..... bunch of small humans..... let’s go with enough to comfortably say I’m done but oooooo babies are still lovely. My babies these days are dogs and plants, the cats cool to but only when mr Molly’s gone. My diy landscaping is slowly coming along. I once again put the half done backyard (yeah maybe 3/4 done now) on hold, brought myself a cement mixer and started to do my driveway extension. I’ve barely spent anything I got gravel from a friend, rocks off a 4wd track(goldmine for large rocks) I brought the bags of cement but because of the rocks I don’t need as much. The first section is done now just to penny pinch and collect a new pile of rocks ready for the next section. As much as I hate the humidity I find it’s the time of year I hate being inside. I’ve started the markets trail again I’m out tending to what’s become quite the impressive garden for a once city girl. I am happy right now I like it. In that note I’m out

As usual I’m not checking punctuation grammar or anything else you still love me I know it.

Xoxox mollyxoxoxo

I just can’t seem to shake my sadness tonight. I had a rough rough day today, I lashed out and it was met with silence I stood up for what I need, It was also met with silence, I deserve more than that.

I torture myself with this song



And let’s be real we all know I like a little

Wow I miss the old days this song sums up my youth and damn I miss it

My chaotic mind at 1130 pm

So not talked to me dad in two years. I’ve grown a bit in that time. He is a manipulator and a , without being dramatic he has caused me multiple mental issues.

I am what I am. Not for the first time I walked into the local mall and there he was about to order a coffee. I had a choice, one I’ve had to make several times. Do I
A. Walk past knowing he will see me do so
B. Turn around and walk out knowing he will see
C. Speak to him

Now going against every fibre in my being I’ve chosen A and B before. This time I went a different way

I stopped and made the choice and invited him to the wedding, he looked......old and slightly defeated and it gave me zero satisfaction.

I made a pact with myself two years ago that he would never ever again hold some nonexistent power over me. I swore that never again would he turn me into a 10 year old with no choice but to follow and hear his wise bull shit words of wisdom. And this isn’t a story of me being tough and walking away or me being a pussy and going back, no this is a story of molly who grew the fuck up and became someone solid and consistent without sacrificing who I am.

(No one dies in this story)
I spent last night crying in a pool of my fathers bl..00d scrubbing from the hallway walls out of the carpet and off 65% of his bathroom. He burst a varicose vein on his table and with it gushing I assume he shit himself and rang. I went down to what looked like a murder scene red spray everywhere I was ........... ready, ready to push on and take on the molly will fix it role.

Fast forward the ambulance had him and I was left staring at two pools of blo..0d with a trail joining them... I sat sat and cried I pulled up several numbers on my phone but never dialed 30 minutes later Mr molly walks in, he came looking because I didn’t come back(he didn’t call first he just knew to come) we had a big fight because I couldn’t find me keys (they were in my bra) but he stayed, he stayed and cleaned with me and then came with me to the hospital to see if dad was ok.

This morning I picked up dad and brought him to his house he tried to talk about some issues .... this is where I surprised myself..... I stopped him and told him it was more that a ten minute issue and that there would need to be significant change and family counseling between us because I will not go though the being kicked in the guts once more. I give my all in relationships and I am not someone to mess with I’ll drop you cold if you fuck with my happy, but not him I crawl back time and time again.

Before I left his house this morning he said thanks for everything (normal) but then he thanked me for always being me and well a moment happened I realised that fuck yeah, I don’t really change I have always been the person to call regardless of the relationship status. So I said with a deep breath ... “I know and you know me well enough to know that I don’t have the capacity to hate anyone” he replied that he is sensitive and may have lashed out and I told him that was more than a 10 minute conversation as it is more than a single incident and I just don’t have it in me to have that conversation today or without a mediator. I will never ever be gaslit again never he can play nice for now but somthing two years ago, I don’t know what or why I woke up to it, my soul is clean I owe him nothing he should be thankful to have some one like me willing to be in his life but fuck try to abuse it again I walk with zero guilt.

Moral don’t be a cunt nice people eventually grow balls,

I’m not spell checking