NEW Exercise Routine !!!!

New exercise routine. If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.










Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...






























NOW SCROLL UP.. .

That's enough for the first day. Great job.



Have a Beer.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Absolute classics


A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.

The final four were:

_4th Place_


"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

_3rd Place_


"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, and parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

_2nd Place_


A lady picked up several items at a discount store.When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize". But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the
kind of one you belt in with a hammer?"

_1st Place_ And the winner is . . .


This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the officer to let him off with a warning.

Instead, the cop lectured the biker about speeding, and in generally gave the biker a hard time teaching him how to suck eggs.

Finally, the nick got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies?"

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies."

So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse.

" The cop says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The flat cap says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

As the knight of the road hands him the ticket, the biker says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Steven, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.

'How did it work out?' they asked.

'Well, it was a great dinner,' Mary said. 'Steven even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.'

'But what about afterward?' her friends wanted to know.

'It didn't work out,' Mary said. 'Steven was too tired.'

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them'. The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING ! -- He had abrand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'

The refugee claimant now got bolder' I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.

'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like the British.' 'PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.

'Where is my new house?'

The fairy replied 'Tough luck. Now that you are British, you're entitled to f*** all!.'

And she disappeared!

A new young Blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Steven doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding, dear.'

'No, mother,' the young Blonde woman laments. 'I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.'

'Well, that is being miserly,' the mother agreed, 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

The young Blonde woman explained, 'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.'

'Airplane ticket??? What does an airplane ticket have to do with turkey rolls???' asked her mother, confused.

The young Blonde woman quickly responded, 'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE'.
So I flew to Alaska!'

They say the memory is the second thing to go.

I forgot the first.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive!'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

A young man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together,' the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside

the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is

awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


'Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood . You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

sincerely, Dick van Dyke