Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"


Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..

and then you add eggs

and sugar...

and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake

Stick to your BUTT

*BEFORE MARRIAGE !!!

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave? *
He : NO! Don't even think about it. *
She : Do you love me? *
He : Of course! Over and over! *
She : Have you ever cheated on me? *
He : NO! Why are you even asking? *
She : Will you kiss me? *
He : Every chance I get! *
She : Will you hit me? *
He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! *
She : Can I trust you? *
He : Yes. *
She : Darling! *

AFTER MARRIAGE, JUST READ THE SAME, FROM BOTTOM TO UP

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer .
Then a fly landed in each one's beer .
The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .
The Scott took the fly out,shrugged, and drank his beer.
The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

GPS TO BE REPLACED? WITH THE TPNS(TWO POINT NAVIGATION SYSTEM)

You can now throw away your GPS, radar or magnetic compass.

Getting to where you want to go can now be achieved by using the new Two Point Navigation System (TPNS).?
TPNS does not require passing satellites or any power source and looks attractive on any vessel.
Fitting TPNS is more than half the fun, as it can be mounted anywhere.
Join the growing band of happy navigators that find so much relief and satisfaction in using the Two Point Navigation System

Below………………………………………………..





TPNS - TWO POINT NAVIGATION SYSTEM

WELFARE OFFICE


A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids..."WOW," the
social worker exclaims, "are they ALL > YOURS???"" Yes, dey all mine," the
tired momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all their names.""Dis one my oldest--he be named Leroy.

""OK, and who's next?"

"Well, dis one be named Leroy too

"The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the
eldest girl, also named Leroy!" All right...I see a pattern here...Are they
ALL named Leroy?"

"Uh huh. It be easy dat way. When it come time for dinnah, I yells "time fo dinnuh Leroy!" an dey all comes runnin'. An' if I needs to stop da kid who be running into da street I yells "Leroy!' and da kid, whoever he be, stop in his tracks. Da smartest thing I ever done be namin' all my chirrens Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the hole bunch?"

Momma says, "Honey, dat be easy..I jus' calls dem by dey las' name!!"

** QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS: **

** "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

** "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

** "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

** "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"

** "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

** "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

** "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes,and caterpillars."

** "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

** "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

** "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"

** "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

** "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

** "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

** "The body consists of three parts - the brainium,the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels,of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

** "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

** "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

** "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

** "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

Not an easy thing to send on this one,quite disturbing and very personal, but due to its importance here it is.

Pass this on to all women you know!

New kind of Breast Cancer - DO NOT DELETE
Please forward to all of the women in your lives .. Mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, friends, etc.

In November, a rare kind of breast cancer was found. A lady developed a rash on her breast, similar to that of young mothers who are nursing.

Because her mammogram had been clear, the doctor treated her with antibiotics for infections. After 2 rounds, it continued to get worse, so her doctor sent her for another mammogram. This time it showed a mass.

A biopsy found a fast growing malignancy. Chemo was started in order to shrink the growth; then a mastectomy was performed; then a full round of Chemo; then radiation. After about 9 months of intense treatment, she was given a clean bill of health.

She had one year of living each day to its fullest. Then the cancer returned to the liver area. She took 4 treatments and decided that she wanted quality of life, not the after effects of Chemo. She had 5 great months and she planned each detail of the final days. After a few days of needing morphine, she died. She left this message to be delivered to women everywhere:


Women, PLEASE be alert to anything that is not normal, and be persistent in getting help as soon as possible.

Paget's Disease: This is a rare form of breast cancer, and is on the outside of the breast, on the nipple and aureole It appeared as a rash, which later became a lesion with a crusty outer edge. I would not have ever suspected it to be breast cancer but it was. My nipple never seemed any different to me, but the rash bothered me, so I went to the doctor for that. Sometimes, it itched and was sore, but other than that it didn't bother me. It was just ugly and a nuisance, and could not be cleared up with all the creams prescribed by my doctor and dermatologist for the dermatitis on my eyes just prio r to this outbreak. They seemed a little concerned but did not warn me it could be cancerous.


Now, I suspect not many women out there know a lesion or rash on the nipple or aureole can be breast cancer. (Mine started out as a single red pimple on the aureole. One of the biggest problems with Paget's disease of the nipple is that the symptoms appear to be harmless. It is frequently thought to be a skin inflammation or infection, leading to unfortunate delays in detection and care.)


What are the symptoms?

1. A persistent redness, oozing, and crusting of your nipple causing it to itch and burn (As I stated, mine did not itch or burn much, and had no oozing I was aware of, but it did have a crust along the outer edge on one side.)

2. A sore on your nipple that will not heal. (Mine was on the aureole area with a whitish thick looking area in center of nipple).

3. Usually only one nipple is effected. How is it diagnosed? Your doctor will do a physical exam and should suggest having a mammogram of both breasts, done immediately. Ev en though the redness, oozing and crusting closely resemble dermatitis (inflammation of the skin), your doctor should suspect cancer if the sore is only on one breast. Your doctor should order a biopsy of your sore to confirm what is going on.

This message should be taken seriously and passed on to as many of your relatives and friends as possible; it could save someone's life.

My breast cancer has spread and metastasized to my bones after receiving mega doses of chemotherapy, 28 treatments of radiation and taking Tamaxofin. If this had been diagnosed as breast cancer in the beginning, perhaps it would not have spread...

TO ALL READERS:

This is sad as women are not aware of Paget's disease. If, by passing this around on the e-mail, we can make others aware of it and its potential danger, we are helping women everywhere.

Please, if you can, take a moment to forward this message to as many people as possible, especially to your family and friends. It only takes a moment, yet the results could save a life.