the 13 year old father in the news recently, has joined Fathers for justice, he said it makes a lot of sence because he already has a Spider man outfit!

SAILOR SEX
Ray an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots/" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard,you're knot in,and you're knot getting your money back."

A golfer playing in hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?''Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'And the golfer walks off.'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?''My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.''Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?''Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!''I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK. 'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.''What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

A guy charged into a bank today wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun.
He made people lie down while he stuffed money into his bag.
As he tried to leave one brave guy ran at him, failed to overpower him, but did pull his balaclava off. The robber shot him.

He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' most people looked down at the floor but one guy looked at him, so the robber shot him as well.

He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' and after a short silence


A voice was heard from a far corner 'I think my missus got a glimpse...

Primary school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first year primary kids. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the
bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?

6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.

7.
No news is
impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Maths

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust
Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.

13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is
not much.

17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

26.
Better late than
Pregnant

Dear Deirdre. I have never written to you before but i really need your
advice. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating.
The usual signs; phone rings and if i answer the caller hangs up, going
out with the girls a lot & when I ask the names it's "you don't know
them", i try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I
ususally fall asleep. Anyway last night i decided to finally check on
her. Around midnight i hid in the garage behind my motorbike so as to
get a good view of the whole street when she came home from her night
out with the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning her
blouse which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and
slipped them on. It was at that moment as i crouched behind my motorbike
i noticed it, a hairline crack where the fairing meets the tank, is this
something i can fix myself or should i take it back to the shop?

I've stopped drinking beer...and switched to brandy.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend 's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up a and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make -available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

You're a bloody top Notch bird.
And when I say yer gorgeous , I means every single word .
So yer arse is on the big side , I don't mind a bit of flab, It means that when I'm ready , There's somethin there to grab . So yer belly isn't flat no more , I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya , I can get my arms round dere . No woman yer age , Has a nice round perky bust ,
They just gave in to gravity , But I know ya did what ya must ,
I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tells ya lies .
I think its very sexy , Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs , I swear on me grannies grave , From the moment that we met ,
I thought you was as good as , I was ever gonna get ,
No matter what you look like , I'll always love ya dear .
Now shut up while the sport's on . And get me a nudder beer!