A mate of mine ran over three chaves at a pedestrian crossing, one went through the windscreen, one bounced off the car and was sent about a hundred yards down the road, the third one damaged the bumper.

The Police were very good, they arrested one for breaking and entering.
One for leaving the scene of the accident and one for criminal
damage.

The Cup Holder
From the "And you thought this was an urban myth" department: True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp.



Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes it is, how may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is borken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my PC."

Tech: "Please excuse me if i seem to be a bit stumped, it's because i am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional, it just has '4X' on it."

At this point the tech had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the loader drawer for the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Mm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[OUCHh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ahoy--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem.
I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Mm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned
it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch
because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have
more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"UHF hub. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-- it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

A bloke walks into a party and sees his ex-wifes new boyfriend standing alone.
Thinking he'll be a bit cheeky, he walks over and says "What's it like to be using secondhand goods?"

The new boyfriend looks him in the eye and says "It's alright mate - it's brand new after the first 3 inches"

Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.......

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over- populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, " You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his back yard - but no Ark! "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I need Building Regulations Approval, and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a Sprinkler System. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained Planning Permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is classed as a development site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had then to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them, the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this!

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and that we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up to protect the Spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I NEEDED the wood to save the owls- but no go!

When I started to gather the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhuman to put so many in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environmental and Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark- building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"


"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it!"

Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
> He thought he was God, and I didn't.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Marriage is a three-ring circus:
> Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> For Sale :
> Wedding dress, size 8.
> Worn once ------- by mistake.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
> Before marriage and after marriage.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
> when they go, they take your house and car.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
> seemed way too qualified for the job.
> 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
> experience in picking lemons?'
> 'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
> been divorced three times.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
> remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me
> the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
> The old man says wit hout hesitation,
> 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
> ---------------------------------------
> I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
> Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
> check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
> Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
> looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you
> like
> to buy?'
>
> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
> elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait
> for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We
> may not have 45 minutes.'
> They were seated immediately.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> The reason MPs' try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to
> have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
> They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
> the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
> The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even
> the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the
> bride gave him back his credit card.
> -------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
> Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in
> your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
> you, what would you like them to say?'
> Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
> fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
> Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
> and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
> Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
> Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
> The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
> Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
> The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
> Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
> The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is
> unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
> In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
> What do you think I should do?'
> 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.
> Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
> 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
> 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
> 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
> 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
> With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to see the Rabbi.
> 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
> The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
> The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
> The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
> The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
> what should I do?'
> The Rabbi then o ffers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
> what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your
> wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
> You want my advice?'
> The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
> 'Take the poison

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

Buffalo Theory


In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'