From: http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23791992-5001021,00.html


Surgeons cut 16 washers from penis



June 01, 2008 10:20am

A MAN was operated on in Hornsby Hospital early today to remove 16 stainless steel washers from his penis.
Berowra Fire Rescue officers were called to alleviate the man from his awkward predicament at 3am.

It was not clear how the situation arose.

The man may well have thought long and hard about placing himself in the difficult situation.

Fire Rescue Officers spent more than an hour unsuccessfully attempting to remove the washers, before the man was taken into an operating theatre about 4.30am.

Surgeons took about 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment.

A hospital spokesman said equipment normally used to remove rings from fingers was ineffective because of the thicker nature of the washers.

The man was in a satisfactory condition.

It is believed the only lasting damage may be to his pride.

You're important to me. Life is very short,
and we are fragile creatures.

Our hearts were meant to be filled with love,
not hate; joy and not sorrow.

So please, stop today and take the time
to tell just one person that your life is better
because they are a friend!

~~ Author Unknown ~~

To those who enjoy a glass of wine... and
those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in
beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, ( E.
coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking
wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk
stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?!!!"

10
Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9
The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white
8
Crying can be fun.
7
FAT CLOTHES.
6
A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5
Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
peak life experience.
4 The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3 A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
impossible.
2 Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
OTHER WOMEN!

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest ~ A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps themselves and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting the door with their foot!

A simple friend has never seen you cry ~ A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names ~ A real friend has their phone numbers

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party ~ A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean

A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed ~ A real friend asks you why you took so long to call

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems ~ A real friend seeks to help you with them

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history ~ A real friend could blackmail you with it!

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument ~ A real friend calls you after you had a fight

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them ~ A real friend expects to always be there for you!

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.

TOTAL: $21.00


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1,350.00

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime,
and a shot of tequilla

4. In need of a support group?
- Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet.
(I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS,
and this is just my personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok.
They know me here and I love it here too!!

9. Lead me not into temptation,
I can easily find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot,
it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 -
turn it into lemonade then mix it with lots of vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male
is someone else's ex-boyfriend!