An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring."
Get creative buddy.
Break up the monotony.
Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in
jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though
none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University,
and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of
the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness,
and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words,
"I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch
and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her
forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try to touch them.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this, I was An Idiot too, And Needed Company...
Keep smiling... it's more fun as a group... don't you think? :>

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're Not.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer

This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left arm and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

New Sign in Bank Lobby
>
>
>
>"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
>
>
>
>Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
>
>Outlined below when accessing their accounts.
>
>
>
>After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
>
>Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
>
>
>
>MALE PROCEDURE:
>
>
>
>1. Drive up to the cash machine.
>
>2. Put down your car window.
>
>3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>
>4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
>
>5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>
>6. Put window up.
>
>7. Drive off.
>
>
>
>**********************************************
>
>
>
>FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>
>
>
>1. Drive up to cash machine.
>
>2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car window with machine.
>
>3. Set parking brake, put window down.
>
>4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
>
>5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
>
>6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>
>7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
>
>8. Insert card.
>
>9. Re-insert card right way.
>
>10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.
>
>11. Enter PIN.
>
>12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>
>13. Enter amount of cash required.
>
>14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>
>15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
>
>16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
>
>17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
>
>18. Re-check makeup.
>
>19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>
>20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>
>21. Retrieve card.
>
>22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into appropriate slot.
>
>23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
>
>24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>
>25. Redial person on cell phone.
>
>26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>
>27. Release Parking Brake.
>
>
>
>SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
>
>
>
>AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
>

> > If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
> > Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> > Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
> > Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place.
> > Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> > Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
> > Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
> > Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
> > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> > Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
> > Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> > Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
> > A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
> > Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
> > An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
> > Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower.
> > Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.
> > Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
> > Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.
> > Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
> > Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.
> > Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.
> > Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.> > > High blood
pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins.
> > Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.
> > Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.
> > Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
> > X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
> > Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forthcoming
European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.
> > A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
> > Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.
> > Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in
your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of
the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
> > Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
> > Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
> > Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
> > A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
> > Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have
the oven serviced.