I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL GROUNDS

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised.
24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.
25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.
27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

Management Quotes
A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1 "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)
2 "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3 "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4 "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5 "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6 "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7 Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8 My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9 "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10 One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

then sky diving is not for you.




For Sale...........

Parachute.
Only used once, never opened, small stain.

CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says “I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour” she replies.

Great, the husband says, “Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”

Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He xxxxxx himself to remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

CORPORATE LESSON 3
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size. Another good lesson!!

CORPORATE LESSON 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

*Poof!*She's gone.

In astonishment “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina-coladas and the love of my life.

*Poof!* He's gone.

“OK, you're up” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral Of The Story: always let your boss have the first say.

Try Saying...

FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING Really?
INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF This job sucks.

TRY SAYING You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING I see.
INSTEAD OF Blow me.

TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
While at Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for John, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When John was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot? John replied, "That's silver and it costs $300. "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!"Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and John went to the back room to find it.
From the back room John yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami!

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!"