A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.
The boy is holding a nickel.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and turning blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a bluebusiness suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don`t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don`t finish a chapter you won`t gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don`t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don`t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren`t sure what you`re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The first claimed he was better than the second. The second
disagreed. This argument went on for thirty minutes or so. Finally the first doctor said to the second, "If you're so good, then prove it."
The second doctor said, "Okay, I will." The second doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said, "See that owl sitting in that old oak tree?"
The first replied, "Yes, I see the owl in the old oak tree." "I'll give that owl in that old oak tree a tonsillectomy in ten minutes," said the second doctor. The first doctor encouraged him to try. The clock started ticking, he reached up into the old oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip", the second doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "Nine minutes and fifteen seconds. I'm through. Beat that!"
The first doctor then stated that he could beat the second doctor by performing a vasectomy on the owl in the old oak tree in five minutes. He asked the second if he successfully completed the vasectomy in five minutes would he be the better of the two doctors? To that the second doctor replied, "Yes, I would have to agree you were the better doctor, if you can do a vasectomy that fast on that owl in the old oak tree." The clock started ticking, he
reached up in the old oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With "clip", "snip", "cut", "bang" "stitch" and "clip", the first doctor was done. He
completed his operation on the owl in the old oak tree in a record three minutes and thirty-five seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the
path happy and content as to which was the better of the two doctors.

The next day the owl and his mate were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated, "I'm tired, lets land and rest a while." Mr. Owl said, "O.K." Mrs. Owl looked around and saw with her keen vision a wonderful old oak tree to perch on. She stated, "Let's land over there on that old oak tree."
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the old oak tree, only to cry out, "I'm not landing in that old oak tree!" "Why not?" said Mrs. Owl.
Mr. Owl again replied, "I'm not landing in that old oak tree."
This argument continued for some thirty minutes or so. Finally Mrs. Owl said, "Tell me why you don't want to land in that old oak tree or we are just going to have to land there!" Mr. Owl replied, "Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck, or fuck worth a hoot."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains ofSwitzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow is traveling through,' said the farmer. 'Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing
disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried.
'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had
sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!'_

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

NAIL IN THE FENCE



There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence Over the next

few weeks, as he learned to control his


anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all. He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.



The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

They lend an ear, they share words of praise

and they always want to open their hearts to

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids.
They were acting up.
Bad little kids.
They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place.
The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband.
The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?"
Wife said, "Because, you are a bad fuck".
Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife.
This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"
Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference.