A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!'

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his
mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than
met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT
IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS
SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY
NOW.

LOVE MUM





And the lesson of the day is??

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER !!

This has now passed into urban legend, but I think it was true at one point...


There was a woman who had purchased a toaster from a WalMart, and the toaster did not work. She asked them to refund her money, but the clerk said, "You bought this on sale, so you cannot return it."

Then the lady started to yell, "Pinch my nipples, pinch my nipples, pinch my nipples!!" And a small crowed gathered around. The man quickly went to get the manager. "Miss, i'm sorry," he started, "but we can't refund your money because you bought this on sale."

Then, once again she started to yell, "Pinch my nipples, pinch my nipples, pinch mt nipples!!" And a bigger crowed gathered around
"Please, miss, why do you keep yelling that?!"

"Because," the woman replied,"i like someone to pinch my nipples when i'm getting screwed!!" The crowed started to cheer and her money was quickly refunded!

It's better to be on the bottom rung of a ladder you want to climb, than halfway up a ladder you don't.....

Dogs really are Man's best friend ...

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hour! s passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
And cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mum always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

There are no answers to this quiz, but would be interesting to see what the ladies make of the guys answers...



1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!'

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!'

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

'Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning