Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker,
were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said,
“You know, tomorrow is my anniversary.
I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes.
I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said,
“Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas.
I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said,
“Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator.
I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt,
then she could go fuck herself."

Some T-shirt slogans:

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Liz. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Liz to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Liz. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John

EDITOR'S NOTE:
John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Liz, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Teacher asking questions round the class

Hayley if I removed one of your eyes what would you be?....Id be partially blind sir.

Correct Hayley! if I removed both of your eyes what would you be?....Id be totally blind sir.

Correct Hayley!

Thomas if I removed one of your ears whats would you be?....partially blind sir.

No Thomas! If I removed one of your ears what would you be?....partially blind sir!

No Thomas! if I removed both of your ears what would you be?....totally blind sir!

How do you work that out Thomas?

Coz my glasses would fall off.

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare backside" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."

Things you shouldn’t say to a police officer
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4 . Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are !
12. When the Officer says “Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine.
She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.
Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

" I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

Be Happy With Your Penis Size

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”

The doctor replied, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch’s place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad Joke.

“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”

The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it’s still too long at 16 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again.”

Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time.”

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”