This Just in from news sources......
A local man was found murdered in his home this week.
Detectives at the scene, found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and he had a banana sticking out of his ass.



Police suspect a cereal killer.

The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New
York
and is wisked away in a private limo.
Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he
instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even
with
the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive
late and
insists that the driver make even better time.

The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster.
Now
totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him
drive.
The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and
wildly
dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in
time.

Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with
the
limo and pulls them over.

Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognising the Pope
immediately, the
police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly.

The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international
audience
on the most urgent of worldly matters".

The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a
call to
headquarters.

"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands. "This is the chief,
what's the
problem?"

"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure
what to
do"

"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.

"Bigger than that" says the officer.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.

"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.

"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"

"Bigger" say the officer.

"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the
chief
asks, alarmed.

"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. BEAT IT - we're closed.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and
sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The
blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns
on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the
front
seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver,
obviously
confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the
speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly
...
Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was
the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her
error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car
OK? These
women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole
time,"
the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blóód and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to bugger off and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said, and flew
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out
for
blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES,
YES!" the bats all scréáméd in a frénzy. "Good!" said the vampire bat,
"Because I f****** didn't."

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!" to which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No ...matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?


M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!