Glossary of computer terms
Alpha
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".

Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".

Default Directory
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.

Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.

Help
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.

Input/Output
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. (like this one... emmm)

Memory
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

If I ever become an Evil Overlord
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors,not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. Announcements of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted never to regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
**************************************************

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

Tech Support for Wife 1.0
Email to Tech Support
Dear Software Engineer,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install Does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in module House Security. The UN-installation will abort."
Can you help me, please!!!
Regards,

Desperate User

Reply from Tech. Support
Ref: Upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 Wife 1.0
Dear User,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to Run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\>APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support.

The Cup Holder
From the "And you thought this was an urban myth" department: True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp.

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes it is, how may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is borken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my PC."
Tech: "Please excuse me if i seem to be a bit stumped, it's because i am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional, it just has '4X' on it."

At this point the tech had to mute the caller, be cause he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the loader drawer for the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Only 7 days to go now before south girl becomes mrs north girl.

Upgrading to "BOYFRIEND 4.0"

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0.

They found that is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted. The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that.

Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include: - An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don't have to repeat myself) - MINIMIZE BUTTON - SHUTDOWN FEATURE - SHOPPING FUNCTION - A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex - A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION - DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advance users - A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's unistalled it won't come back - A MONOGAMY FEATURE -AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid.

***** BUG WARNING ******** All previous versions of Boyfriend are unaccessible on Sunday afternoons and Monday nights during the football season. We are trying to rectify this but it seems to be an problem inherent within the programming.

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Mm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[OUCHh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ahoy--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Mm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"UHF hub. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]