GERBIL REPLACEMENT

A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous 17 year old daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Marriage... a Man’s Perspective

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was... Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

10 THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU DIDN'T KNOW

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

50 INTERESTING BUT PROBABLY UNTRUE FACTS
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
8. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
13. There are only 4 words in the English language which end in dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
16. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19. The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
20. A dragonfly has a life span of 1.6 months
21. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
30. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
31. Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honour of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
32. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
33. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
34. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35. Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
36. Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
38. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
40. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
41. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
42. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43. The word race car and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
44. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
46. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49. No president of the United States was an only child.
50. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blóód and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to bugger off and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said, and flew
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out
for
blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES,
YES!" the bats all scréáméd in a frénzy. "Good!" said the vampire bat,
"Because I f****** didn't."

The Exercise Regime...

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with the personal trainer, Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my nthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class. I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter, leaning down and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumb bells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if he didn't want dents in the floor, he shouldn't have handed me the frickin barbells or anything that weighed more than a sandwich. Didn't they teach him that at the sadist school he attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine into the wall. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the damn Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go to and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy!

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Things you shouldn’t say to a police officer
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4 . Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are !
12. When the Officer says “Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”