Dear Mum and Dad...
It has now been three months since I left for College.
I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.

The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire
shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm,
and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the Hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out Dormitory,
he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.
I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour
is somewhat different than ours.
I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer
in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date,
I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire,
I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant,
I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Things could be worse... Your Loving Daughter, Linda.

Your Zipper is Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking
a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

"Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

"PERIOD"

Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. He said a period.

She said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning
my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar.
There is a sign that says "No strings served." The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch." So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar and says, “I’ll have a beer please." The bartender says, “We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch." So he walks into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
Finally the third string says, "I'll get served." He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes into the bar.
He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?" He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

Why Fishing is better than sex:
1. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

"THE BOOB SCAM WARNING"

PLEASE SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY, AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS - DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOB HIS IS A SCAM!! HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed, 'The Blonde'

Here's a collection of famous last words:
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
I'll get your toast out.

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers
whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured.
This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH SHIT!" Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

Ah The 90's...

YOU KNOW YOU WERE A TEENAGER IN THE 90'S WHEN...

- You knew who Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael and Donatello were.

- You remember the Milli Vanilli scandal.

- You religiously watched 90210, Melrose Place and Twin Peaks.

- You tight-rolled your jeans.

- You wore big hoop earrings.

- You wore virgin bangles (Madonna bangles).

- You thought bellbottoms were horrible and couldn't understand why anyone would've ever worn them.

- Clogs and scrunchies were in.

- You knew how to do the MC Hammer dance and the running man.

- You owned a pair of Apple Pies, Air Jordan’s, Nike Air’s, or Reeboks Pumps.

- You thought "Ice Ice Baby" was the coolest song ever.

- Your fringe was at least 4 inches high, and you thought it looked good.

- You tried to sing along to "Informer", no matter how hard it was.
- A hairdryer and/or Gel was required to set your hair.

- You rolled up the sleeves of your t-shirts, and tucked in the front, letting the back hang out.

- You wore 2 pairs of neon coloured socks

- You wore overalls with only one side connected.

- You had Exclamation or Taboo perfume.

- You remember cartoons like Mask, Thundercats, Maya the bee, She-ra and He-man.

- You had a "slap band" or a pop swatch.

- You wore your sweat pants pulled up to your knees.

- You had a black Debbie Gibson hat.

- You wanted to be just like Paula Abdul.

- You owned the Spin Doctors tape.

- You said, "PSYCH" or "WAY!"

- You saw "Wayne's World" at least 2 times at the cinema.

- You loved the New Kids on the Block and Bros.

- 21 Jump street and Booker.

- You wore jeans pulled up to your navel.

- All of your clothes were "baggy".

- You wore Kepper or stussy.

- You owned a pair of bike shorts, possibly ones with a neon strip down the side.

- You had a boom box, or your stereo was a weird colour like pink or aqua blue.

- You bought tapes or vinyl.

- You never missed the fresh prince or Degrassi junior high.

- You remember when TLC weren't divas, and they dressed like they were in the circus.

- You thought "I'm Too Sexy" was such a cool song.

- You "busted a move" when C&C Music Factory was playing.

- You remember when Mark Wahlberg was part of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

- You owned a silk shirt, which you tucked into your jeans.

- You wore your socks over your tracksuit pants.

- You had jeans in various colours, like green, brown, burgundy and black.

- You had a Greeks/Italians/Serbs/Lebs do it better T-shirt.

- You were addicted to Nintendo.

- You gave the "peace" sign all the time.

- If you were a guy, you had an "undercut" and you parted it down the middle.

- You had a pair of Dr Martens

- You owned at least one Hyper-colour shirt.