We are about to enter the BBQ season.
Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food....

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetabl...es, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg.
His friend says,
"My feet are cold.
Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?"
The guy goes upstairs,
and there are his friend's two gorgeous 17 year old daughters. He says,
"Hi, girls.
Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says,
"That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
His friend yells back,
"Of course, both of them."

A duck walks into a pub and heads straight for the bar. He asks the barman, "Have you got any bread?"
"No sorry, we don't sell bread."
"Have you got any bread?"
"No, I just told you, we don't have any bread."
"Aw right then. What about bread? Do you have any bread?"
"Look you stupid little duck, I don't have any bread! And if you ask me for it one more time,
I'm going to nail your beak to this bar!"
The duck pauses to think. "Have you got any nails?"
"No."
"Have you got any bread?"

How the internet started...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.




And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"






And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"


And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."




Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).


And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.




And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.




And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."




And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.




Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).


That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

A woman was in Hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong,
I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the sticker's off the bananas".

Diet Questions Answered.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's
the best feel good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets. Have a cookie...flour is a grain!

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

5. A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.

Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

6. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

7. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

A woman is talking to a friend at a supermarket.
She tells her,
"My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood,
it turns a beautiful blue.
When I'm in a bad mood,
it leaves a big red mark on his forehead."

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
1 Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.