Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said weren’t in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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KEEP READING…
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Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didn’t come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach earlier.
I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids,
suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.
There was a massive brawl and someone called the police.
This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man,
the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!


Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages!

Phil's scrotum

The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
... She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said,

"I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

COMPANY POLICY
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage,hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another one of the original monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The new comer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Likewise, replace a third original with a new one, then a fourth then a fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not? Because as far as they know:
"THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE AROUND HERE"
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins...

50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO

1. know anything about a car except its colour
2. understand a film plot
3. go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. lift
5. throw
6. run
7. park
8. fart
9. read a map
10. rob a bank
11. resist Ikea
12. sit still
13. tell a joke
14. play pool
15. pay for dinner
16. eat a kebab whilst walking
17. pee out of a train window
18. argue without shouting
19. get told off without crying
20. understand fruit machines
21. walk past a shoe shop
22. make a decent bacon sandwich
23. not comment on a strangers clothes
24. use small amounts of toilet paper
25. let you sleep with a hangover
26. drink a pint gracefully
27. get a round in
28. throw a punch
29. do magic
30. like your friends
31. enjoy porn
32. eat a really hot curry
33. get to the point
34. buy plain envelopes
35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
38. avoid credit card debt
39. dive into a pool
40. assemble furniture
41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. set a video recorder
43. not try and change you
44. watch a war film
45. understand why flirting results in violence
46. spend a day by themselves
47. go to the toilet by themselves
48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. choose a video quickly
50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

A businessman got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator,
there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled,
and said
"T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly,
so she smiled her biggest smile and said,
as sweetly as possible,
"T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things,
and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T:
Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

Typical macho man married typical good-looking girl and after the wedding,
laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want,
if I want,
and at what time I want -
and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said,
"No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night -
whether you're here or not."

Mechanics Dictionary...

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front mudguard.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.

Old Timers Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over

fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?