.

THE RULES
The FEMALE always makes THE RULES
The RULES are subject to change without prior notice
No MALE can possibly know all the RULES
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES
The FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong
The MALE must apologize immediately
for causing said misunderstanding
The MALE must never change his mind
without the express written consent of the FEMALE
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time
The MALE must remain calm at all times,
unless the FEMALE wishes him to be angry and/or upset
The FEMALE must under no circumstances, let the MALE know
whether or not she wants him to be angry/or upset
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times
The MALE who doesn’t abide by THE RULES can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp
Any attempt by the MALE to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm
If the FEMALE has P.M.S. all THE RULES may be null and void
The FEMALE is READY when she is ready
The MALE must be ready at all times.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!

Pa replies, There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse.

Ma yells back, Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.

Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

Ma! I tells ya there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!

Ma replies, Stick yur head in the hole!

Pa yells back, I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

Ma says, Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse

Ma hollers back, Now take your head out of the hole!

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

Ma! Help! My beard hairs is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!

To which Ma replies, Hurts, don't it?

Your Duck is Dead:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

He sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

notes to teacher...from parents!
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.



1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19.. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

()()
(-_-)
c(("("

awww lets all be happy lil bunnies today..

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, etc.
All that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long.
I'll be right back.
I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there is swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
"LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS DOEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and... they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?

MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!

ETERNAL TRUTHS

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.

7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

11.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

13.Some days are a total waste of makeup.

14.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

How early is too early to start drinking on your birthday?

53 years young today.
North lad.

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.



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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on, there’s a love.