An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said,
'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Catching up with a old friend over from Canada. Who i have not seen for 5 years.
Its 3am over here and still drinking.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he!
Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said.
'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said,
'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied,
'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'

While attending a harmony for couples weekend,
Steve and his Partner, Mary, listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men,
"Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"
Steve leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently, and whispered,
"It's Homepride, isn't it ?"
Thus began Steve's life of celibacy.

OK, picture the scene, the American Deep South, a hot night, the crickets are chirping, and Primrose, Delilah and Tulip are sitting out on the front porch, in their rocking chairs, sipping their mint juleps.
As has always happened, eventually the talk turns to their men. (Please try to imagine the accents, sort of like the unseen help in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons)
Primrose " Hey Tulip, tell me again, what's that name you calls yo man?
Tulip " Why, I calls him Big John, 'cos he's a big man,yo know what I'm saying? So what do yo call yo man?"
Primrose " Well, I calls him 7up, 'cos when we gets down to it, there's 7 inches up where it matters, if yo get my drift! Anyways, Delilah, what you call yo man?"
Delilah " I calls him Drambuie"
Primrose " Drambuie!? Why the hell yo call him Drambuie? Aint that some kinda fancy liquor?"
Delilah " Um hm, that's my man!"

South asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said,
and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever...
which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?'
Slim says,
'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'