Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me,
again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said,
and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home,
decided to play a prank on her.

I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied,
"Are you nuts?
You're 71-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled,
"Good grief,
Dad, where are your glasses?!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said,
"I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes:
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!
1 bottle tequila
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 bottle tequila
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 bottle tequila
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl;
check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers,
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Mrhistmas

In the great days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) decreed by protocol,
the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post.
His talent and energy levels are simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO,
who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless,
hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst,
joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of....."
At which point the colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers,
he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard.
He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house,
goes down the hall,
jumps on the couch,
gets comfortable and falls asleep.
The man thinks its rather odd,
but lets him sleep.
After about an hour the dog wakes up,
walks to the door and the guy lets him out.
The dog wags his tail and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door.
The guy opens the door,
the dog comes in,
goes down the hall,
jumps on the couch,
gets comfortable and falls asleep again.
The man lets him sleep.
After about an hour the dog wakes up,
walks to the door and the guy lets him out.
The dog wags his tail and leaves.
This goes on for days.
The guy grows really curious,
so he pins a note on the dog's collar:
"Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with four children --
he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited,
so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."
The old lady suggested,
"Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says
"Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,
and have your way with me?"
The farmer said,
"Holy smokes lady!
I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint,
two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied,
"Set the goose down,
cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket,
and I'll hold the chickens."

Years ago I set a friend up with a blind date.

'Look', I said,
'There's something I need to tell you;
shes a great girl but she's expecting a baby'.

Well I can tell you now,
he looked a right idiot standing at the bar in nappy, bib, bonnet and holding a rattle.

Nicked from Facebook.

If anyone hasn't got children and are planning on having any,
below is 2 reasons why you absolutely should never give birth to anything.

The other day I was making sausages mash veg and gravy for the kids.
Baring in mind they only eat Richmond.

Maia comes in. Face like a bucket full of turds

Maia: I don't like sausages

Me: yes you do they're the ones you always have the only ones you eat.

Her; no they're spicy I don't like them

Me: * wtf you little tit you've had them every couple of weeks for 10 years. They're fucking Richmond, they're probably 99.9% offal flaccid looking things with absolutely no spice in them what so ever* they're no spicy darling you really like them

Her: well I don't like them now

Me: mixing gravy. What are you going to have with your mash then

Her: shrugs

Me*opens fridge, freezer and every cupboard like fucking entities have been in* what about nuggets? Turkey emojis? Fish fingers? Actual fish? Fish cakes? Sweet corn? Beans? Pie? Noodles?

Her: no no no no no

27 different meal options I gave her 20 fucking 7

Me:

Her:

Me: what the hell then??

Her:kebab??

Me; no Maia I'm not ordering you a kebab

Her storms off upstairs hollering she wants no dinner and I'm pretty sure if she had a door that worked she would of slammed it

Anyway. The baby's in bed I'm hoovering and mopping like cinder fucking rella.
Muttering obscenities under my breath whilst using the 360 spin mop that is utter shite and hurts my back.

Low and fucking behold there's Maia on the kitchen side her head in the cupboard that was open for 20 minutes over and hour ago.

Me: what are you doing

Her; I'm having super noodles

Me: I offered them to you an hour ago. You're going to have to wait until the floors dry and I'll do it

Her: I'll do it. I've read the packet I can do it

FUCK SAKE.

Me: ok then just make sure you read it properly and follow the instructions

Also me: sits down to write shopping list

I can smell this funny smell. Something not to dissimilar to when I burnt my cheek with molten plastic in the phone box down forest way when I was about 14. Don't even ask

Fuck me sideways. Maia comes bursting into the room.

The microwaves on fire

For a fat bird I'm off that sofa and in the kitchen like a shot

There's fucking flames in the microwave

Flames

I'm thinking shit Charlotte she's boiled them dry. You'll not get Tesco mum of the year award this year for the 21st year in a row

I open the door

Stand back

Get the baby out

Grab the inferno in a bowl with a wet tea towel and run for the front door

I'm like basil fawlty

Hopping up and down on the spot looking left and right thinking what the fuck am I supposed to do

I see the bin

It's empty

Binmen came yesterday

Chuck it in there char and go get some water

I get to the kitchen look out the window and the fucking bins on fire

Wtf??? Why are there flames coming out of the bin

Maia: I put the guess who and low face boxes in the bin

Fuck

The bins on fire

Anyway I manage to extinguish it before it burns the neighbours fence down

Took a minute or 2 to recover then I said to Maia, did the water boil dry??

Her: water? What water? I didn't know you needed to put water in it

There were no words. I clearly am not cut out to parent anything

Ok so today the baby has the shits

Sore arse and ball sack

In my infinite wisdom I think let him go nappy free fresh air will do it good

I go to get the washing in and put the rabbit away

I'm walking back in with arm fulls of washing

I can't really see the floor

I step in something squidgey

I put the washing on the stairs

There's fucking shit everywhere

My foot prints

His foot prints

Hand prints

There's shit fucking everywhere

I'm too scared to look

There he is sat on the sofa stretching his little todger a yard butt naked and covered in his own shit

There's shit on the sofa

There's shit on the rug

There's shit on his face

There's shit on my feet

There's shit in the hall way

I ran with him arms out stretched straight up the stairs to the bath

I'm nauseous

I'm crying

I've borrowed bleach off the neighbour

Seriously

Never give birth to anything.

*Nic VS Teacher*
*NIC*: Sir, can I ask a question?
*TEACHER*: Yes, why not?
*NIC*: How will you put an elephant inside
a fridge?
*TEACHER*: I don't know.
*NIC*: It's easy Sir, you just open the fridge
and put it in. I have another question!
*TEACHER*: Ok, ask.
*NIC*: How will you put a donkey inside the
fridge?
*TEACHER*: It's easy, you just open the
fridge
and put it in.
*NIC*: No Sir. You open the fridge, take
out the elephant and put it in.
*TEACHER*: Ooh...ok!!
*NIC*: Let me ask another one. If all the
animals went to the lion's birthday party,
and
one animal is missing, which one would it
be?
*TEACHER*: The lion of course! Because it
would
eat all the animals.
*NIC*: No Sir. It is the donkey because it's
still inside the fridge.
*TEACHER*: Are you kidding me?
*NIC*: No Sir. One last question.
*TEACHER*: Ok!
*NIC*: If there's a river full of crocodiles
and you wanted to cross, how would you
do
that?
*TEACHER*: There's no way, I would need a
boat
to cross.
*NIC*: No Sir. You just swim and cross the
river because all the crocodiles went to the
lion's birthday party . . .
*TEACHER*: I have my own question, if all the
students come to school tomorrow except
one
person, who is that person?
*NIC*: No idea Sir.
*TEACHER*: It's you, because you are on two
weeks suspension starting today!

Viagra diet
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs,
perhaps a slice of toast?
Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit,
and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines and says
"It's this Viagra,
it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of home made soup,
maybe with a grilled cheese sandwich?
Or, how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines saying.
"No, thanks, it's this Viagra.
It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time,
she asks if he wants anything to eat,
offering to go to KFC and buy him some take out.
"Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch?
Or, how about a tasty stir fry?
That'll only take a couple of minutes?"
Once more,
he declines and says
"Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra.
It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Then she tells him
"Well then, would you mind getting off me for a few minutes?
I'm STARVING!"…

An Unfortunate Incident in a Nunnery
One morning, a young nun woke up,
got out of bed,
and dressed for the day ahead.
She then left her room and headed downstairs for breakfast.
As she walked down a corridor,
she passed two older nuns,
one of whom said:
"You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning."
The two older nuns then walked away giggling.
The young nun was puzzled by this,
but shrugged it off and carried on.

She then passed another older nun who also said:
"You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning."
before walking away giggling.
As the young nun continued to make her way down to the dinner hall,
she kept on passing her fellow sisters,
all of whom made the same:
‘You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning’
comment and walked away laughing.
By the time the young nun got to the dinner hall she was so livid she bumped into the Mother Superior in the doorway.

The Mother Superior was just about to open her mouth to say something before the younger nun cut in,
saying:
"Don't tell me, ‘I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning’!"
The Mother Superior shrugged and then said:
"I wasn't going to say that.
I was going to ask,
what are you doing with the bishop's shoes on?"