A man calls home to his wife and says,
?Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting,
so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend.
And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh!
And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd,
but, being the good wife,
she does exactly what her husband asks.
Following the long weekend,
he comes home a little tired,
but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, 'Yes!
Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
He says,
" But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies,
?I did.
They're in your tackle box?.
Never,
Never,
Never
Try to outsmart a woman!

I was telling a mate that my Dad bought his first car from the Krays.
He said,
"What Reg?"
I said,
" No, Ronnie I think?"

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about,
he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks,
"Uh, oh!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap,
the poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this,
the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes,
but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?"
but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says.
"I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as Wanky-Nobby.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.
The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan
I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror,
stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment,
the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says,
"Don't move!
I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom,
comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move,
I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time,
his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from the older boys,
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother,
who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.
The following morning,
Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.
“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started kissing and hugging her.
I figured ‘Sis must be getting sick,
because her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too,
because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.
Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time
‘Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started.
I knew it was a fever,
because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there,
about 10 inches long, honest,
anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it,
she got really scared-her eyes got big,
and her mouth fell open,
and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen;
I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!
Anyway,
Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up,
and sure enough,
they killed the eel.
I knew because it just hung there,
limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went back to courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly, the eel wasn’t dead!
It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats they have nine lives or something. This time,
Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After about a 35 minute struggle,
they finally killed the eel.
I knew it was dead,
because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Why Teachers Drink

The following questions were set in last year's GED
examination. These are genuine answers (from
18 year old's)

Q. Name the four seasons?
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you
are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets
an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to
his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the
cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g.
The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

am so pissed off
That’s all I needed!
I just got back home to find four Police Officers in my house looking for something, acting like lunatics.
Even through underwear,
which was rather embarrassing!
They checked under the air-conditioner and inside my bed mattress tearing it apart!
When I asked if they had a search warrant,
they answered completely hysterically:
"Where did you hide it?
We know it's here somewhere"
At least 1000 possibilities went through my mind,
but I thought I'll let them search for whatever they are looking for.
Let's see if and what they will find!
Approximately a half hour later I watched one of the Police officers look at his mobile phone and then he shouted:
" Stop it! We are in the wrong house.
Pokémon is next door"

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes,
he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining,
but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,
he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour,
the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers,
"What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses,
"Well, no.
I guess I haven't.
Not with a carnation anyway."

After several attempts,
I've finally had sex with my wife while on the back of a motorcycle.


It was a Triumph.