A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly,
also retired,
in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said.
"Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast.
"Next morning promptly at eight o'clock,
the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom,
pulled open the drapes,
gave the general a gentle shake,
strode around the other side of the bed,
spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,
"OK, sweetheart,
it's back to the village for you."

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search
for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home
to find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she has been up to
and why she hasn’t been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."

Little johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked,
"Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little johnny said
"Oh OK"
and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible,
skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her,
put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn’t know what to call her so we named her
‘Pussy-cat.’
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said,
‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’.
and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-0’.
They love to hate each other,
and constantly ‘snip’ at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building,
next door to the vet.
The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor
A side door opened and the vet leaned in –
he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
‘Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more,
and it’s finally clean and shaved,
so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way,
I think she’s pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!’
Then he closed the door.

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.
There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate.
Aha, he thought,
that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper.
So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
Still he felt that the man was acting strangely,
so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle,
so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
The guard let him pass,
but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on.
The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint.
The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later,
the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said,
"You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise.
"Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed.
So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed.
Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered.
"Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma,
I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says,
"Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies,
"the one in the middle."
He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman,
"How do you know?!"
The mother replies,
"I don't like her"

Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids.

He was absolutely devastated,
so being the kind of guy I am,
I offered to have sex with his wife,
which they both agreed to.

Dave called me today and said,
"Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant."

"That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009." I replied.

A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl.
When they see the size of his picker they make their excuses and leave.
So he thinks of a cunning plan,
meets a hooker and asks her,
"Do you mind if we do it my way?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh, I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all? No problem - let's go to my place," she answers.
They walk the short distance to her apartment.
Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her.
"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers.
"What religion is that?" she asks.
"I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.
"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those -
you're one of those people who doesn't believe in...........................JESUS CHRIST!"

A sales executive was helping a new blonde trainee prepare for her first weekend sales convention.
Upon their arrival in New York, the boss showed her the best places to eat, shop, and stay.
The following morning, as the group was organizing their material for the day¹s presentation, the executive noticed the trainee was missing.
He called the hotel where she was staying to ask what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of my room!"
"You can't get out of your room? Why not?" asked the boss.
"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed.
"One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says DO NOT DISTURB!

Ever since I was a child,
I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "$80 per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, $80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said,
"and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed –
ain’t nobody under there now!"