I used to be able to watch the most emotional movies without batting an eye. I remember going to see Titanic at the cinema, thinking how pathetic all those crying girls were at the end of the movie. Somewhere along the way, I guess I grew a heart I still usually don't tear up at sad movies, but I find I'm now extremely sensitive to real emotions on television.

A recent example: I was watching the Antiques Roadshow, one of my favorite shows, and they turn to a young woman who has brought two stuffed toys with her, dating from the thirties. Usually toys don't interest me a lot, but this Mickey and Minnie Mouse had a special story. They had been in a pillow case since the 1930's, not seeing the light of day until that Antiques Roadshow. They had belonged to a young boy, who had died of rheumatoid fever at the age of 11, and the stuffed toys had been put away in the pillow case he had died on by his parents and never taken out again. The monetary value of the toys was quite significant, undoubtedly helped by the fact that they hadn't been handled in 75 years, but the story... The story brought tears to my eyes.

A lone gunman spread terror in the Belgian city of Liege, opening fire and throwing hand grenades onto a square packed with Christmas shoppers.

The attacker, identified as Nordine Amrani, 33, killed a year-and-a-half-old toddler, two teenage boys aged 15 and 17, a man aged 20 and a 75-year-old woman, and left more than 120 wounded. Mr. Amrani killed himself with a bullet to the forehead.

A Belgian of Moroccan descent whose troubled history showed no sign of Islamic extremism, Mr. Amrani had been summoned to appear before the police about a case of sexual abuse at around the same time as the attack. Instead, he armed himself and mounted some kind of desperate, final lashing out.

Mr. Amrani had a record of gun and drug offenses. But he had still been able to amass a cache of illegal weapons after his release from prison, where he served part of a 58-month sentence for possession of 9,500 weapons parts, and several complete weapons, as well as 2,800 marijuana plants.

Compounding the gruesomeness of the case, the police found the body of a woman at a building he used to store guns, and, in the past, to grow marijuana. Prosecutors said they believed Mr. Amrani killed her before he went to the square.

I'm pondering participating in an art competition.

Pro:
- taking my creative side seriously
- a chance of getting some recognition from the outside world
- pushing myself (doing things I fear)

Cons:
- there will be television cameras
- the daunting task of presenting my works in front of a jury
- there will be television cameras
- the professor is quite strong in his recommendation to avoid this kind of show (he thinks there will be manipulation,...)
- did I mention that there will be television cameras?
- loads of candidates, getting through is a long shot

The deadline is fast approaching, decisions, decisions...

So I spent part of my day looking for interesting jobs. I found two jobs that interested me:
- a job as translator and reviser of translations: interesting because it's for the federal government and because translating would be a lot less stress/responsability compared to my current job (therefore more energy for writing, photography,...). Downside: I like translating, now and again, but I fear I'd be bored after only a few weeks of doing it non-stop.
- a job similar to the one I have, for another government organisation: interesting because I'd obviously be qualified and it's the sort of job that challenges me. Downside: what's the point of changing jobs, if only to 'change bosses' and workplaces? And the same risk of burnout as my current job, when I actually want to have energy left for creativity outside work.

And then I remember all those people telling me "why don't you do something with your degree in international relations"? A quick perusal of job offers reminds me: they want people with expertise/experience that I don't even come near to possessing. OK, I hear you think "can't you work on that? Take a course or something?" And I think of my competences and talents, and I do believe I would be capable of doing those jobs with the necessary preparation, etc. And then I realise that I have absolutely no motivation to do that. Because even the thought of such a "high level/high power" job already make my blood pressure rise.

I'm trying to marry two parts of my being:
- one part that is overly ambitious, wanting a high-level high-responsability job because of the prestige and because it would make me proud of myself to be able to do such a job, and because I need a lot of stimulation and diverse tasks
- the other part saying that my ambition is a delusion, that I want the prestige but not the job itself. The part that realises that this ambition is essentially unimportant in life compared to other things, such as writing, having a home life, friends, etc.

I feel like a dog chasing my own tail But I do believe the latter part is more sensible. Now to find a way to combine it with a job that doesn't bore me witless, and still pays the mortgage...

I apologise to those who have been waiting for replies to their PMs, I know I'm not nearly as disciplined as I should be. But as much as I lack discipline for online friends, it seems to be the other way around in real life. These past weeks/months, I've been waiting for answers to my messages and getting none. And then I start wondering: did I offend them in some way? Are they tired of me? Uncomfortable around me? Or is it a coincidence, all these people not answering? It's enough to rattle my confidence.

Note to self: stop being so damned insecure, it's probably showing in your behavior and body language and making people ill at ease, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy...

Those who know me, know I never go on holiday without a camera. So for those who are interested, here is a selection of pictures from the 5 days I spent in the Champagne region.

Reims cathedral, a stained glass window by Chagall:



Vineyards:





Nature and countryside:









Laon cathedral:

I'm sure it happens to most of us. We get caught up in life's little dramas, and then something makes us stop and think. No, it doesn't have to be anything dramatic like an accident or an illness or anything. Sometimes it's the small things that are special. Such as a little robin flying into the open garage, but trying to fly out again through a closed window. Catching the little robin in your hands. Holding it in your hands for a second before releasing it outside.

I want to scream TGIF! But I guess TGIT is more appropriate Or better yet: TGITN (take a guess).

Despite all the 'misery' it's been a reasonably productive week: I assembled three pieces of Ikea furniture (by myself!). Oh, the smile on my face as I took the electric screwdriver out of its case and made it 'roar'... And I managed to get some laundry done (I'm a horrible procrastinator, I literally had a mountain of dirty clothes in the bedroom).

I did some clothes shopping for the upcoming winter: I didn't find any shoes, but managed to find two tops, a sweater and a wrap-around sweater (most of it on sale, but my bank account is less happy nonetheless).

So basically retail and DIY therapy

Upcoming this weekend: a visit to an antiques fair (and for free too) and a concert of one of my favorite bands. And sleeping in, lots of sleeping in...

I think I may have wasted my wish on something less important...

My grandfather is in a coma and unlikely to wake up.
Strained relations with my boss, which will lead me to search for another job (or lose my sanity, I'm already verging on a burnout) during this economic crisis.

As I write this, before heading off to work, I feel sick to my stomach with nerves, worry,... If I could, I'd fly away to Scandinavia or some national park in the US to get away from it all.

*sigh* Trying to stay positive, but this is not a good week at all. Luckily Friday is a national holiday...

So the week I took off work is almost over... The Champagne region was quite nice to visit: we did some walking (lovely autumn colors), explored some cities/villages (Troyes, Reims, Laon, Bar-sur-Aube) and tasted some Champagne.

One thing I've learned though: not to go to a 'chambre d'hôte' run by Belgians for Belgians. It attracts a certain type of public that we don't have much in common with...

Anyway, I saw a shooting star one night, a white flash that turned to red and then disappeared, all in the blink of an eye. So naturally I made a wish. In a few weeks, I should know if it helped...