Nothing changes.
Time passes
Accelerates the days
Wake eat sleep
Same as it ever was

Missed commenting on the full moon. It was beautiful.

I have now lived with someone more than half their life. I still have no idea who she is.

Had a small party to celebrate that. She seemed to enjoy it. Doesn’t change anything, I’m still an asshole.
She hasn’t had beer regularly for 2 months now. I think she has had 8 total since she went to the ER with blood pressure issues. She needs anxiety meds to really get it under control, but what they gave her is keeping it somewhat controlled. This is probably the longest she has been sober since pregnancies. I don’t see much difference in behavior. Maybe sleeps better.

Work is still slow, side jobs are slow. I get paid anyway, but I would rather work. Doing odd jobs to stay busy and out of the way.

I wish I had the desire to write more, but I can’t get up that hill. On the way home last night from a side job I should not have accepted, I told myself that I was going to work on making Me happy. I am not capable of making others happy nor can I make them like me. I am to old to live like this

Time flys. Almost end of June. Still no changes. Don’t expect any. Work eat poop. What more could anyone want?

It’s hay season. Well, it is really late got hay season. But finally drying out. So that should keep me busy. Spent the last few days repairing the cutter. Dirty physical work.

Around 100 today. Well, yesterday. And I am laying next to a snorer. Oh well. The sun will be up soon. Start again

Looks like I stopped 1 day to soon. MitchandDaisy, thank you. The comment helps. The diary idea prevents gaslighting as long as I am honest with what I describe.

4 months and a day, I didn’t realize I was gone that long. Everytime I thought of writing, the hopelessness of it prevented follow through. But I need to communicate somewhere.

I changed the background on my phone 3 days ago. A photo of her when we were dating a lifetime ago. She saw it tonight and asked what it was. I said a picture of my girlfriend. She blew it off. I didn’t say “it’s like in the movie Lucy, when Lucy asks the detective to come with her, so she remembers”. I know neither of us is the same person we were in the photo.

But I can dream

No changes. At least none that I want.

I stopped writing because I thought I was being unhealthy and causing myself issues by listing my issues. Turns out I have issues weather I record anything or not.

So got to bed last night at 3 woke up at 5 to be at work at 630. I was on time. No one else was.

Easy day. Pre bid meeting with lots of security. Not my problem.

Home by 1730. Started dinner. Fed the kitten. Guess that is new. A week I think.

She made me lemon bars. They were yummy after dinner. Got a tiny kiss on my cheek. Took a shower at 2100. She took a shower, came to bed looked at Facebook for a few and started snoring. It’s now midnight. Just another day.

I’ve been ordering parts for some projects. Bought a canopy system for a project. I have been doing projects. It helps. But I am lonely in a bed with a human snoring two feet away.

O changes in intimacy numbers, I might have got a couple hugs in the months I have been avoiding writing.
I’m still handy. Just difficult to even care enough to jerk.

Woke up to a pounding head. Hurt to move. But she was in bed with me. She got the blood pressure cuff and water. Normal… great must be sinus. she laid back down should have been a snow day for her. she let me lay against her.

Her boss texted at 830 so she went in thinking they would have a talk.. nope her boss didn’t show.

I finally was able to move at 12. Still hurt but could push thru. Sucks to hurt this much sober.

Didn’t get much done cold and wet outside. Ordered a battery.
Tried to come home and the Toyota wouldn’t start. Electronic chirps and flashing lights… FUCK!!! Jumped it with my truck and put it inside. Tested battery. It is slightly weak. But still good. Started just fine after the jump. Added a battery charger.

She cooked noodles to go with left over roast. Not bad. I still haven’t done dishes. Big pile. Showered and in bed early work early tomorrow and the weather sucks
Went downstairs after my shower wrapped in my towel and asked if she wanted to see the cleanest mediocre penis in the area. She said in ten minuets when I finish this show and come up.
That was an hour ago.

Tried to solo this morning but head hurt to much to make it happen. no changes

i woke up at 4am. My head was thumping. She was SOBBING. Crying hysterically. Took a while to realize she was asleep.
Finally got her awake. She was still crying. She finally said I had left her. I said “so those are tears of joy?” got her calmed down. got her to go pee.

She laid back down and spooned. Allowed me to hug tight both arms. After an hour Ended up with one hand on her tit. Started pinching and tugging her nipple. About 40 minutes. She is almost grinding her ass into me. I am firmly in her butt crack. Her alarm went off. She said “a few more minutes and I wouldn’t have went to work.” Then she sat up got dressed and left.
I trid to rub one out but the thumping was a bit extreme so zero

Got moving around 10 headed to fivestar. Roast day for lunch. Walked in looked at it and couldn’t do it. Ham sandwich instead .

Texted G to ask how Martha was. No response…a couple hours later G called. I asked how she was. Silence. “I’ve been better…” I am SO sorry. She got 7 days. But I got her home for that. It really sucks. We talked for an hour G has a lot of pain. 58 years of friendship. Damn. Really hurt. .i haven’t shared that .

Got home around 7 stopped at P’s to fix two water shutoffs that she just had to turn. I love old plumbing. New ¼ turn compression on CPVC cant wait for more problems.
She was grumpy when I got home. Her boss is being passive aggressive and a CUNT. I told her to find a new job because I was not going to live like this. She said she wasn’t mad.. I told her I didn’t care what she described it as it was bullshit that I was not going to deal with in my life.
In bed around 11. She asked me to scratch her butt. Hot wash rag, scrubber cheeks, clean crack. Coconut oil rubbed in. I kept my fingers out of her crack.
She rolled over to be little spoon. Allowed me to hug didn’t want her tits touched. So I laid there with my penis in her very slippery, tight butt crack. She moaned a little and started to grind. I rubbed back and just like that … she was snoring. I rolled over and went to sleep

0 - 40 - total days of year
32 Solo functions
26 possible nights of compatibility
1 her sick/ together days
5 work nights in hotel/ me away
6 night her travel
2 night her travel/me travel both out not together

Got up at 8 thought we were leaving at 10. Nope noonish or later. McD’s eggMcmuffin. And wait. When they showed up they asked why I worked on it all weekend. I said brakes were important.
Headed to the house around 3 she cooked roast and taters in the crock pot. They were not close to being done. Grabbed a hamburger to hold me over.
Talked to dad told him about the project I had found. He offered to buy. Not sure how I feel about that.

Kinda got a kiss when I walked in. she puckered up as she walked by. So my lips touched her cheek. She was heading to watch the “game”. No questions about my day or how I felt. Normal return.

I stuck my head in a few times. Asked a question. Remembered why I don’t watch sports with her. Went to bed around midnight. No touching allowed. Normal… great.
No change

Woke at 8. Got moving to figure out what happened. Found fluid. Got it delivered. Bought some tools. Found the fitting that was left loose. At least it didn’t fall out. Got the system filled and it seems to be working. Fuck. Big late lunch and then a nap. Woke up around 7pm. No answer to calls. She finally responded to text. She was on the phone with girl watching a show together.

+1 for me hoping to go back to sleep. Up early to,orrow to finish the project. I hope.



0 - 38 - total days of year
32 Solo functions
24 possible nights of compatibility
1 her sick/ together days
5 work nights in hotel/ me away
6 night her travel
2 night her travel/me travel both out not together

Woke up at 8. Yep did my morning thing. +1
Got up at 9. Let dogs out. Went to work
Went to Lee’s. Yum.
Shipped off parts of two projects. Getting closer to getting shit done.
Got two calls that I couldn’t answer then a text from side job. ‘Can we leave at 630?” Absolutely. Called to see if it was fixed and ready.”yes. Good to go”. Home to pack. Got a hug when I left. Got there a little late but still ahead of schedule. Quick look. Everything seems good.

Boss shows up load up, all good. Found the rain.

2 1/2 hours later. Weather is ok. Brake failure. WTF? Yep. No brakes. Great. I love issues.
Made it normal. Got parked and they left. No fluid at all. Crap. MyD’s for a sandwich. Find a hotel. Call it a night. WTF