I ran across something tonight that reminded me of a first kiss, and ultimately my first time touching a girl. She took me by surprise, I was 16. My friends had all kissed a girl by then, but I tried once before, disastrously and wasn’t going to try again. She actually kissed me. I was shocked, thrilled, confused and excite all at once. So unsure if I’d done it right, worried if I disappointed her, thrilled by her. We started dating, she was much more aggressive than I was, she excited and scared me at the same time. After a month, we were parking, making out, and she took my hand and put it on her breast. I thought I might have a heart attack. It was if an electric current flowed through my entire body. It scared me so much I wouldn’t go out with her again, she scared me so! Most people won’t believe a teenage boy could be so scared but I was. After a few years I got over it, but I regret abandoning Julie, she told me later she didn’t know why I quit going out with her. I was too embarrassed to tell her she scared me.

Tonight I deliberately decided to pick a playlist of one song that reminded me of every girl/women I ever dated. It was an interesting exercise. As it got deeper in to my feelings, I realized I’ve been both blessed and cursed in relationships both long and brief. I choose to focus on the best if times, some beyond the words to describe. Now at random play was Simon & Garfunkel “I am a Rock”. Sadly appropriate, having been on my own for 15 years. Yes, in those years I’ve had many liaisons, 2 long term. They added to my happiness and my sadness. The lesson, if you find love, give everything you can to make it last for the rest of your life.

In November of 2001 I was in Chicago for a business convention. My then wife, now ex wife, went in that trip with me. A bunch of us went to several bars on Rush, one had karaoke. I sang a song or two, asked my wife to do a duet with me. She said no, but a young lady at the next table over heard that exchange and said she’d love to sing that song with me. We did, my wife was so angry. Why this blog? I just heard that song on random play on Apple. Funny how music makes memories…

In November of 2001 I was in Chicago for a business convention. My then wife, now ex wife, went in that trip with me. A bunch of us went to several bars on Rush, one had karaoke. I sang a song or two, asked my wife to do a duet with me. She said no, but a young lady at the next table over heard that exchange and said she’d love to sing that song with me. We did, my wife was so angry. Why this blog? I just heard that song on random play on Apple. Funny how music makes memories…

I blogged quite a bit years ago, I needed a place to put down my thoughts as they were where I could feel safe and anonymous. Time moved on, my life improved and my need to find an outlet faded. It was therapeutic for me, and I’m grateful for those opportunities to express my thoughts in an open forum. Music has always been a voice in my brain, I relate to so many song lyrics. They describe my life, define my feelings, flay my innermost thoughts and bring an overwhelming flood of memories, sad, sweet, tender and tragic. Recently music is reappearing in my life more and more, stirring those same feelings and more. I’ve been separated/divorced for 14 years now, living alone. And it seems that is a ying/yang situation in the truest sense of the word. The constant strife of a broken, bitter marriage gave way to the peaceful reality of life on my own, but as time progressed the solitude has evolved from peace to loneliness.

The constant here has been music. As I age I find that it’s defined my life in so many ways and connected me to so many memories, good and bad, and given me hope moving forward. So I hope the music of your life provides you with all the good and the bittersweet that defines you. I’m listening to it now, and bathing in it’s pain and solace.

Bad Company - Shooting Star

Don't you know that you are a shooting star?
All the world will love you just as long
Long as you are

Well Johnny died one night, died in his bed
A bottle of whiskey, sleeping tablets by his head
Johnny's life passed him by like a warm summer day
If you listen to the wind you can still hear him play

I have/had a friend here that shared songs with me. She introduced me to lots of stuff I don’t know and really enjoyed, Strawberry Sugar. We don’t chat anymore. I have/had a friend on here that used to chat with me about sports and just life. We don’t chat anymore. I have/had a friend on here that chatted about sexy thoughts, we don’t chat anymore. Common denominator? Me. I always tell people I employee if there is an issue, look for the common denominator. Guess that sums it up.

I used to blog a fair amount, and blogging here is it's own community. Sometimes we all have those moments when we want to put our observations and thoughts into words. In no particular order: I grew knowing that if someone said hello to you the least you could do is say hello in return. Jealous is a bad thing. Being a narcissistic doesn’t fool people for long, they figure it out. Knowing lots of people isn’t the same as having lots of friends, real friends are rare and valuable. Lots of people confuse the need to be liked or popular with friendship. The truth will stand when the world is on fire. Sex is not love and love is not sex, but it’s great when those two things meet at the same time in the same place. Saying I’m sorry and really meaning it is very powerful. Standing for what you believe even if it costs you is always worth it, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Never argue or explain yourself to someone who doesn’t care about you. Love is complicated.

So much for having any of these thoughts, the world goes on and really, no one cares. Fiat Lux.

Do you ever listen to Little Texas? I do, and I think they nailed it.

Jimmy Webb was so right. “I need you more than want you, and I want you for all time…”