timing is interesting...
I've been looking back upon an affair that never happened and how long I'd done my best to be faithful to a man I will never hold, touch or get to love... all the while, a friendship was stretching into different realms and growing stronger. Every time I'd hear either man on the phone I'd think, they sound so much alike. That intensely sexy chuckle... a blush in the way a voice would dip. Smiles spreading lips thinner, making vocal tones all the richer... They sounded so close to same, yet not.
As time'd drifted by and stretched out long months, I realized the one was sweeter to my heart and ears than the other... One would ask and then hungrily demand gratification and say "Lust is MORE than good enough for now." The other would ask about my wellbeing, I was weak and troubled, They would both ask, but only one would focus on my wholeness, my well-being. As time went by I recognized self-less... and self-ish.
So, when the one dropped off the world for me, for good, I let him go. Still saddened but also grateful for in knowing him and my friend I learned which one cared the most for me... My friend.
I'm making foolish and lusty choices at the moment, or I have been... And still, my friendship is becoming closer, and stronger. I still share all with him. The other day he choked out in frustration, whispering, "Dreamy, sweetheart, you're cheating on me... Why?" Then he teased trying to make light, yet the message was still clear in his tones...
I replied simply, "Sweetheart, you're not here, with me. I have needs." Each time for a while there, he'd struggle knowing I was with yet another man and experienced another sorrow. Again struggling for composure, as he'd mutter, or whisper.. "Dreamy, darling you're cheating me again." Anyway, for some reason he's determined that he'd rather know His Dreamy will always share with him, honestly. Saying he'd rather know that I'm still His Dreamy than have me close up and stop sharing, just because it hurts him. I will do my best to stay myself, open, honest, and always me... I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
Yet, I wonder at the sorrow I'm creating, pains I'm pouring out of myself and sharing with him... Am I hurting a man that I adore, by being me? Shall I step away from him, or life in general? No, I'm learning invaluable lessons.
For one thing.... I'm worth more than I'd allowed myself to hope. I have the right to walk away from a horrid date, or from a man trying to impress me of the rightness of D/S in my life. It is not right for me.
Anyway, I have rights to self esteem and my dignity, and to be viewed as a good and worthwhile woman in the life of any man who claims to want me in it. I Do have other friends, from this place who're sources of support and of the same advice, counsel, love expressed and caring.
So, wondering, I still do.. you see...
Mostly I pause to wonder at how blessed I am right now. I wonder at the friendships built here.. and in more platonic venues, like where I met that close friend...
... and on the words I've hated... lust, passion, need, like, love, you, me... we.