Dreamingof_U's Blog - page 108

Darkest nights and dreary days.. bruises covering my body.. No, not from abuse.. from illness. I'm losing the battle. I'll be gone.. for who knows how long.. I'll fade into the background and surely be forgotten here as everywhere else...In the end, my life has no meaning and matters not. Ultimately I am nothing. While I understand that this melancholy and the pain and exhaustion are due to my condition.. they are still terribly real.. Blood loss and bruises suddenly erupting all over is terrifying to me.. I know the depression is due to all of this.. But I'm no longer able to fight it any more... I'm feeling it blanket and consume me... Soon there will be nothing left of me anywhere...

As a child, my mother would buy flats of pansies, marigolds and other flowers for us to set on neighboring doorsteps. I wish I'd remembered, I would have loved to spread that sort of love around the neighborhood, or cheered up coworkers, forever concerned about our job statuses...

I wish every one of you here, a glorious spring day... Fill your hearts with positive and hope for the days ahead. And, please stop once in a while to smile, to spread cheer, to caress the cheek of someone you care about. Intimate touch, and tender kisses are something I miss greatly. I see those simple gifts as delicate and sweetly treasured as the scent or color of spring flowers.

hugs, kisses, and armfuls of blossoms, I wish for you, this day...

I'm beginning to wonder if life will ever settle into a semblance of normalcy for me again. Doubtful at this time in my life... I've finally found the legal documents I need to put together for my divorce. Separated for over 9 months now... my soon-to-be-ex wants me to consider us filing it jointly... with him splitting the costs.. I hadn't imagined him being that helpful, supportive or kind... though, it might just be that he's realizing he's getting a very GOOD deal.. getting away with next to nothing, compared to what most men would pay out to a wife of over 24 years of fidelity.

I'm working a job, in which one MUST be flexible, emotionally, mentally, etc... In an outsourced world, and setting, you have to be... My apartment is still in cacophonous upheaval... a jumble of boxes and things in cramped chaos. But, I have plans, hopes and imagine in my mind, how to make things work.. This weekend, while completely alone, I will move furniture and boxes, and do all a woman with a broken body can do, in determined energy... it MUST be done.

I'm settling for a life of little joy, and little hope. I have to for now. I'll break out my art supplies soon... and create self portraits, and images of joy, hope, and possibilities... and dreams...

I'll be alone soon at the rate things are happening.. a determined daughter and her boyfriend will be making a home for themselves, somewhere... and, in freeing myself from the clutches of an abusive man... I've yet to learn the lessons from that... to stand up and fight for myself... and to make my dreams and desires come true...

Let Me Love You, by Schiller.. trying yet again... *sigh* I adore this music... my Latino friend seemed to believe this was our song. I believe it is MINE...

I reach deep, dark lows and subtle highs these days.. no real highs, but still.. even though my heart is torn at this time... with so many reasons.. an adult daughter who's been so crushed by her sick father that she's casting everything he'd given her or made for her, out of her life.. and so in pain and full of fear, that she's got nightmarish migraines;in addition to her fibromyalgia, and auto immune disorder.
Worries over where we will go, if we can't find an apartment soon, an how to afford to keep our phones, let alone have constant internet access... And even, in part, due to the man I've been waiting, hoping for and wanting more than anything... just slipping into no communication with me... no phone calls when he' said he'd be calling, and nothing for days and weeks on end... making me wonder.
I've got far too many more emotionally wrenching things tearing at me here, now where I am... The rudeness of a rep refusing me my legal right to time to get out of my home.. no ability to pay a deposit and first rent on anything for me and my sweet daughter.. and the divorce still not going through... I'd never wanted things to drag out as they have...

But,forget my issues now.. and know that, though I'm often lately, very low.. I can't stay there.. not for very long.. I'm a cheer-filled soul, and a lover.. Smiles.. if you knew me, you'd understand.. what I mean by that..
Anyway, I'm sharing a song that I often play to bring my spirits up.. A man I'd had as lover, and friend.. good man, and wonderful mentor... gave me the CD from whence this came... I'm in love with the positive and joy in their music.. Smiles.. it's a band that blends the best of Santana(the whole band is there under this name) and Journey... a couple of men from that one are also in this group named.. Abraxas Pool... The blend is impeccable to me...

The message of this song.. it resonates within my soul.. heals and washes over me, reminding me to never give up.. find hope.. and move forward...


I hope that you'll enjoy this.... And perhaps, that others who're struggling will be buoyed up as this song does for me... lifting me out of the depths of my despair, and into the softly glowing moon light, infusing me with some semblance of peaceful positive...

This is a copy and paste from another blog, on a platonic site... But still, it's something of importance to me, and something I'd like to share with you here... I may be leaving, for a time, while lost and homeless. and while concentrating on the rest of my needed changes in my life.



I use to wear a wedding ring or set... though for me, they meant little. The reason why? The man who'd belatedly given them to me, wasn't sentimental. He'd change his mind, or detest one later. And refused when it'd been important to me, to even own one, let alone wear it for me. I understood not wearing one in some of his jobs/workplaces. But not the angry denial of wearing one at all. He had no clue how important his lack of symbology was to me... Then again, I'm thinking, he really DID.

I have five wedding bands set aside forever. Who knows, perhaps one day my daughter might reuse the tiny diamonds from one, or the gold of one or all for something custom designed for her own use?

I wear two rings...
The first and most important one.. A sterling silver reminder of the band I wore for the past part of my marriage. HIS platinum wedding band. He'd lavished on himself that which he'd denied me, when he finally chose to get one for himself.. just a couple years ago.. when I was getting ready to make him go. I had placed it on my left thumb, when he'd smashed his ring finger playing basketball, saying to him, "You won't need this ring ever again." He demanded it back weeks after I'd made him leave me... A ring on my wedding ring finger hasn't felt "right" for several years, so, just as he'd finally decided to wear one.. I had no ability to wear any on my own.

But, to me, that band of white on my thumb is a reminder of my strength and determination to take my life into my own hands, as my own, and fight for my future. To make it far brighter and good. It is a symbol of strength and choices that have been blessed and positive.

My next... A sterling Claddagh. With a CZ heart within the clasp of the hands... I wear it on my right hand.. Usually on middle finger as it's too large for my ring finger...
To me this symbolizes my hope for the future, and my heritage. For when I am finaly freed of that marriage, I'll claim my birthright. My maiden name is Irish. And, I'll use, honor and wear it proudly. It also represents my love for whomever I KNOW is out there for me, as "The One."

The woman has altered drasticaly in my painting, so too have a few other things... It's more refined, defined and Hmm, I like it... But miss the ethereal or was it surrealness of the original way it all looked. *sigh* Anyway, I've finished her and find that it's to my liking... She is a lonley woman, waiting, hoping, longing for release from the gloom surrounding her... The light begins to embrace.. surround her...

[IMG]http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i282/ddruss/soul1copy.jpg[/IMG]

I've titled this painting Landscape of a Soul -Lover of Light... For, to me I see perhaps a wisps of a man, her lover in the bright light above her...

This monochromatic painting is fine artist quality acrylics on a Gallery wrapped 10"x8" canvas.

[IMG]http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i282/ddruss/soul2copy.jpg[/IMG]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250958050787

I've actually got it on display at this time, on another site. for sale.. Thought you might like to take a peek... For those of you who don't know who I am in the "real world." You'll know soon enough if you peek. I wonder if anyone here knew me in this line of joy creating work of mine... But I hope that if you Do know who I am, you'll be discrete... My name is known by collectors worldwide... I'm startign frsh. All over again.. And eventually will take my own maiden name to reclaim my birthright and pride in who I am... Anyway, thank you, for being my friends and dear ones... And, thank you for taking the time to allow me the chance to share my joy and love of life the world around us, and increating something of uniqueness...

I've been at a stalemate with a commissioned work of art for to months now.. But, I determined that I MUST get it done.. after attempting to use paints and brushes for some much needed release... Of stress, anxiety, and a crushed and sorrowing soul.. Also. smiles. for sexual release. I've known many artists in my life.. And almost ALL of the MALE ones have painted and created with more fervor and eloquence when lack in sexual and emotional intimacy. A thought, profound... And so... As I determined to create a landscape for one of my artist guild's monthly challenges.. I let go and just allowed my mind to empty pon the canvas... Here is my self portrait... In spirit, anyway...

[IMG]http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i282/ddruss/12-18-2011/IMGP0297.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i282/ddruss/12-18-2011/IMGP0298.jpg[/IMG]

She is yet to be finished, but I wanted to share this.. HERE, of all places.... May you see the sorrow desire, and longing her lonliness too. She is truly me... She will be on auction, on Ebay starting on the 20th of Dec. 2011.

[IMG]http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i282/ddruss/12-18-2011/IMGP0301.jpg[/IMG]

I'm a recovering abused person.. as in.. much of my life, I was taught to believe that I deserved no better than the abuse of others around me... And that I must do all I could to please them, care for and tend them... I was a virgin bride, and faithful to my main abuser for 23+ years before falling for an on line playmate's lies... Emotional affair, but real enough to me, to recognize.. I needed out of what I'd put up with far too long...

Even though I chose to have a real affair with one fantastic man from this place.. I knew it couldn't last... he and I were both married, and we'd set up rules I was NOT going to break RE emotional attachment.

I was one of those quiet, confused girls... who'd never allowed herself to show how truly aroused and hungry I was for sex, and sensuality. Having been taught that was a sin... I hid myself from the world to the best of my abilities... But I'd always found glorious bodies of athletic men very appealing to me ,so.. knowing that men who were much like the ones I'd lusted over as a teen and young woman... are still attracted to me, was a heady thing to learn. My NN lover was big muscly and very attractive to me... I loved his minstrations, and mmmm to feel his goatee and moustache down between my legs was simply magical to experience... Oral was a new thing to me...

Since kicking out the man I'd thought I'd be bound to forever(what a horrible thought if you knew him)... I loved experiencing an affair with a lusty and wonderful man.. *sigh* but, a coworker... He taught me of decadence and lust on a completely new level in person... One that I'd only experienced on line and reading books... And, had so much WANTED... We're merely friend now, who love one another and desire one another, still... For reasons we both know, and try to hide from...

The gratiude I've mentioned in the title.. is this... I've dicovered some eloquent lovers, and exquisite souls both here, but even better... In person... And, I've recognized that the men I find drawn to me, aren't the sick and emotionally unwell ones I'd drawn to me most of my life... Even though my now ex lover.. purely friend... wasn't perfect or a very supportive man.. he's one fine and good man that is worth knowing respecting and loving... And, the one who's asking me currently.. to be with him and see what we might find and share.. in the future.. is someone I've known, and loved as a GOOD man... He remembers me as pure, innocent, abused, and yet, sweet, pretty and sensually appealing from decades ago...Knowing that he wanted to see what we'd share.. before my admissions of infidelity and exploring the world of men and sex...And, knowing that only created a new line of discussion, was a great relief... for I wanted him to see me as me, the woman I use to be, and the woman I am... I could LOVE him if he really could see everything about me and want/love me regardless.... I'm not going to ever settle for less than I want, or deserve again... Because I finally KNOW that I'm worthy of good, sexy, lusty, and gentle men...

I am gratful that I've learned about sex, sensuality, lust and love.. That I've discovered that lust and raw carnality are normal and instinctive parts of each one of us. That it isn't bad, nor does it need to be hidden. I'm far too lusty and sinful a woman to hold back the sensuality of ME... And this place.. is one of my releases...I'm amazed more than anything.. that so soon after sending a cruel and selfish man from me... and refusing to accept him back.. I was found worth something.. by genuinely good men... Smiling.. now, don't get me wrong.. they're far from perfect... All of us ARE... BUT, these are men who desire the best for me... Love good, and seek to be kind and gentle, and even one... who seems to wish to teach me of my worth and desireability on a much more serious level... I'm NOT looking for love. I'm not sure I'll ever recognize it. And I don't believe in Happily Ever After... I believe in friendship, companionable peace and quietude... I believe in bringing out the best in someone, and he, making it easier to be at my best... I believe in Goodness, light joy, and inexplicable giddiness. I believe in lust and lovemaking... I believe in exploration and seeking to learn, grow and always working in some way for the betterment of life and one another. I believe in family, and in togetherness... And... I know what it feels like to teach a man HIS desireability, and of the lust and pool of heat that he creates deep within me... That rises at his touch... and makes me wet, just thinking about him... and... I know the power a woman has over a man... To give him the headiest, most erotic feast she can give him.. And.. that acceptance of his lust and yearning is a heavenly thing...

I am a grateful woman. Sincerely... I'm in love with life and with sexuality, and sensual delights... And, I'm very pleased to have discovered that men who're lusty and hungry for someone who'd wear them out, or at least, do her best to keep up. are real and out there... I want one And I'm excited to know that.. I'm wanted by one, or two or a hundred...
Hugs and kisses, fondles and caresses,
D

I'm on unpaid leave, since. for some reason my employers don't believe I'm dealing with TWO deaths within such a brief span of time.. *sigh* My God.. I lost my mother, wracked with pain from the cancer riddling her body.. but more.. the infections spread throughout... On the 29th of October, 2011... Now... My grandfather, her dad.. passed away this Sunday.... the 13th of November... He was 90, and in the Altzeimer's ward at the VA hospital.. His wife refused to hold his hand while he died.. and denied her eldest living daughter that right, to support and show her love for him on his deathbed... I'm dealing with the cruelest woman I've had in my life. She feels vinidcated, and proud of her attitude.
Today I'm collecting photos and mementos of my mother's life... treasures kept by my father, who loved her regardless of how much she'd hurt him...
Preparing for a double service.. Grampa in his casket.. Mother, in her urns... I'm desinging her programs, since grandmother tried to displace her in the memorial... She is, who she is...

Later... We, her daughters will be driving down to the deserts she'd loved and lived in.. to scatter some of her ashes to the winds and red sands that her heart belonged to...

And, some of us... all three sisters and a cousin(we call her our sister) will go out drinking together... I'm the designated driver as I'll never take a sip... But I'm sure I'll enjoy the laughter, heartaches, secrets, and hugs we'll share...