Well, I ran out of time. I was writing a little bits here and there, but before long the day was over.

I'm trying to figure out why I actual give credit to "The Secret", when I don't to much else. It promotes positive thinking, but so does religion. At least most of them do. Others have you punishing yourself.

I decided to call her the next day. I went over in my head time and time again what I'd say then sat there nervously for five minutes working up the guts to actually call the number. But finally I did and it just kept ringing. My nervousness only grew.

"Hello?" a voice finally said.

"Hi," I work out, "Is Holly there?"

"This is her," she said back.

"Oh, hi. This is Bran," I said, still not sure how this is going to go. "Just thought I'd give you a call instead of writing endless letters."

"Oh my gosh, hi!" Holly says back, her mood instantly beaming.

"Yeah, thanks! I gave the option to just write me in case you didn't want to call, but I'm glad you did!" She instantly made me feel more at ease. This is actually easier than I thought it'd be, but I still didn't get to the bad news.

"I was very surprised to get your letter," I started, "but I hate to have to tell you that I AM dating someone right now." I brace myself for the worse as I don't want to break any hearts.

"Yeah, I figured," she said, sounding let down, "Guys like you don't stay on the market for long." I almost laugh at this as I have a very bad history of dating. Bad history as in it basically doesn't exist. I never asked a girl out before my current girlfriend. I had a girlfriend for about a week my freshman year when a girl in my class (a redhead again) asked me out. That fell apart when I was too shy to take part in the relationship though.

Holly and I talk about a bunch of stuff that people talk about when they first get to know each other. What we're like, our interests in movies, what we did in school, and what it feels like to have finally graduated. We go on for a good forty minutes or so before the conversation turns to my girlfriend.

"So how long have you been dating this girl?" Holly asks.

"Only about two months now," I say.

"Oh, that's not bad" she says, almost sounding a bit cheered up by that news. "Are you happy?"

"Yeah, she's pretty cool." I say, actually thinking about it for the first time. I didn't really think about that since I was just happy to have a girlfriend, but she does make me happy. I think I really got lucky with this one!

"I bet we could have fun too," she says, "we already have a lot in common!"

"Yeah," I say, a little uneasy, "Too bad I have a girlfriend, I suppose."

"That doesn't always stop me, you know," she says in a teasing way, "I've stolen a few boyfriends away from their girls before."

"Oh yeah?" I say, feeling a bit defensive.

"Oh yeah," she says happily, "They always end up enjoying being with me more!"

"Why's that?" I ask.

"I worry more about a guy's needs more than their girlfriends do," she says confidently. I laugh to myself because even without experience, I know I'm a very loyal guy. This is the first time I've had much of any interaction with a girl since I started dating my girlfriend. I don't even LOOK at other girls out of respect.

"How do you do it?" I ask, teasingly. I can't wait to hear how easily swayed these other guys can be.

"I can't give away all my secrets," she says with a bit of a giggle, "But normally I get them alone and we start making out and they end up breaking up with their girlfriends!" I laugh even more to myself as I can't believe how simple-minded some guys are. I'd never fall for something so simple. I always considered myself a bit more intelligent than the average male.

"Yeah, you're not going to get me that easily," I boasted.

"I'm much too loyal. If we were to ever get together to watch a movie, or something, that's all we'd end up doing."

"So, what would you do if we were together and I leaned in to kiss you?" she asked playfully.

I laugh a bit at how forward that question is. "I don't know," I say, unsure "Probably push you away."

"And what if I grab you and don't stop?" she presses.

"Then I might have to grab you and hold you against a wall and tell you to stop," I reply.

"Mmmm!" she moans. I should have seen that coming, but I walked right into it. "Seriously though, we should hang out sometime. Just as friends. Watch a movie, or something."

"Yeah, I guess," I said, unsure about the idea.

"Well, what are your favorite movies?" Holly asked, sounding more excited about the idea.

"Well, the Star Wars movies will always be my favorites, but I also like Indiana Jones, The Matrix, the Predator movies, Back to the Future, ummm..." I started, trying to think of more movies.

"I liked Star Wars!" she says, which excited me. "I never saw Predator though. Is it that good?"

"You never saw it?" I ask. "Yeah, it's good! It's awesome in fact!"

It takes a minute but I finally give in to the idea of hanging out. I don't really have any friends anyhow and I can never pass up the chance to show off a cool movie to someone who hasn't seen it before. I'm all about creating a nice theater experience and blowing someone away. Maybe I should bring popcorn!

We make a plan to meet up that Thursday since I don't work. I also picked that day because my girlfriend will be working all night. I don't know why, but I already decided it wouldn't even mention it to her. It's not like I'm going to do anything she'd need to worry about!

Well, I've been going through drafts of this and figured that if I don't just post it now I never will.

This is my first attempt at telling a story. I'm not making it in the form of a novel or anything like that but as more of a glimpse into the life of a character. This is based on a true story from my own life but taking a different direction. I'm far from a professional though, so be kind.

My plan is to post numerous parts to the story as I finish them, so stay tuned!

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She lowered herself down onto me, straddling me. She looked deep into my eyes then gave me a cute little smirk as her hands trailed down my naked chest, headed straight for my belt buckle. I couldn't believe this was happening. No one ever had an interest in me like this before.

How did I get here? I didn't know I was even capable of something like this. I thought I was a normal boy working a normal high schooler job. I met a girl recently and basically funneled all the money I made into keeping her happy with constant gifts and dates. So far things were going very well.
She's a cute 19 year old redhead. We met at a concert near the concession stand. We ended up skipping most of the concert and just sat there talking the entire time. I never met anyone like her! I don't want to get ahead of myself but I could see being with this girl for a long time.

I worked in a restaurant as a cook and a server. Things got pretty busy some days and I'm moving around non-stop until the end of the shift. I just got over a rough weekend and was having a slow Monday doing inventory when my manager came up to me.

"Letter came for you," he said, handing me an envelope. I looked at it, confused. Maybe it's something from the company that he's handing out to everyone, but once I took it and flipped it over I saw it was a personal letter addressed to me. I open it up and see two pieces of paper, hand-written, from a girl named Holly.

The letter goes through describing that this girl, Holly, went to school with me and was actually the sister of one of my friends, Jenny. She writes how she always noticed me and thought I was really cute but was too shy to ever talk to me. She happened to see me at work recently but I was too busy to talk to at the time, which is why she wrote me this letter. She hopes I'm single as she wants to hang out with me.

Wow, I've never gotten anything like this before in my life! I was so insanely shy in high school I'm surprised I know what any of my classmates even look like! Wouldn't have mattered if I had noticed her as I'd never approach her either.

Getting a letter like this is very welcome though and was an instant boost to my ego. I couple girls have said I was cute through my life (once in junior high and once my freshman year) but I never really believed them. I always thought they were just being nice.

The letter went on describing who she was and what she's up to now, then gave her address and phone number if I didn't want to wait for the mail to go through. I read it again because I just couldn't believe I just got something like this then put it away. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day though.

I got home later in the day but pulled out my yearbook right away and looked her up. Sure enough, there she was. Holly was kind of cute but obviously not the attention-getting type. Probably is no wonder I never noticed her. I didn't know what to do with this though. I had to let her down easily as I know how lonely and sad I was being single all through high school. If she's anything like I was in those days then she'll be crushed.

To any of you that may have witnessed one of my lowest moments in a long time last night and were wondering what song I kept singing to myself that made me so sad... here it is. It helped me through a tough time but at the same time brings me right back there when I hear it. Makes me imagine a tiny soul that touched me so deeply that it'll never ever leave me. I'll always miss you little star.



(if somehow this video doesn't post then I'll probably look like a idiot, but in that case look up Pink- Beam Me Up)

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this short.

A couple months ago I got a cold. Just the normal runny nose and cough and such. I didn't think much of it until a couple weeks later I was still coughing. I still didn't think much of it until I was carrying my sleeping daughter upstairs (we live on the upper level of an apartment and there is no elevator) and by the time I got to the top I was so out of breath I actually felt like I might pass out!

So the next day I went to Urgent Care and discussed it with a doctor there. They did a couple x-rays and by the end figured I had an pneumonia. I left with a prescription for antibiotics and went back to my life.

Well, most of this part is actually covered in my last blog post. Shorter version is that it didn't go away, made another visit to the urgent care a week later and got my prescription changed. Well, time went by and things still weren't working...

I finally found a doctor I could see regularly instead of going to the urgent care, because everything they were doing wasn't working. I went to this doctor and she ran all sorts of tests and told me she'd contact me when they heard something.

Well, I got a call at about 7pm that night saying that some of the results looked a little fishy and it probably wasn't an pneumonia at all. She suggested that I went to the ER so they could run some more tests.

Well, I ended up going in and reporting my issues. The doctor apparently called ahead to quicken the process of getting me in. They took me into the room, did some tests and ended up sitting there for a while while more results came back.

The doctor in the ER ends up coming back in and is saying that something is wrong with my heart. They can't be sure exactly what it is but my heart is enlarged and my lungs are collecting fluid.

Fast forward some time later, they are thinking it's heart failure. They highly suggest I go to this other hospital nearby because they are much better equipped to handle issues dealing with the heart. So they have an ambulance drive me over there.

Fast forward some more, more tests, etc, etc, etc.

So it turns out that they diagnose me with heart failure. They find out that my heart is only pumping at 10% efficiency. It's so bad that blood is actually working it's way backwards through my heart and that might be the fluid gathering on my lungs.

Well, what follows is over a week of being poked and injected and having blood drawn. They even stick a catheter into my neck and down to my heart. Not to mention plenty of pills everyday, and I hate taking pills.

Thankfully I got out and my heart is doing a lot better. They are basically figuring it was a virus that attacked my heart and was basically shutting it down. I feel a lot better now and last I heard my heart efficiency more than doubled since I was admitted.

I don't know what is in my future. I have high hopes since I seem to be doing better but there is still the possibility that if I don't make enough of an improvement that they might have to put a defibrillator in. I'm actually wearing a temporary mobile defibrillator vest right now.

Worst part about it for me is this low sodium diet they have me on. Apparently all of my favorite foods are high in sodium. No more fast food at all! One taco from Taco Bell is basically half of what they suggest a normal person should consume in a day!

Best part for me is that I have insurance, which is a first in a long time. The only reason I have it is because of the whole "Obamacare" thing. So I'm thankful for that!

The part that's becoming the worst part of this is that I haven't been allowed back to work until I'm officially cleared by my doctors. It's been about a month now and money is getting VERY tight.

So, life lesson learned: You can get sick even if you're young and don't ignore your sicknesses. Could be much worse than you though!

Okay, so I don't really have many normal friends on here anymore so I'm sure no one even realized I was sick. I wasn't about to advertise it in Status because I'm trying to cut down on my "getting pity" addiction. So instead I'm going to make you read this then feel pity!

It all started over a month ago now. I got a nasty cold with runny noses, sore throats and coughing and aches and the works. I then ended up passing that on to my wife and daughter which they got over it a week or so later. Problem was is that three weeks after I had my cold I was still coughing.

My wife started getting really concerned about this and was saying I should go see a doctor. I wasn't as worried until I was carrying my daughter up the stairs while she was sleeping one night and I almost felt like I was going to collapse I was so out of breath.

Now, I've never been one for seeing doctors on a normal basis. Outside of being a kid and my parents taking me in for normal check ups and vaccinations, I never saw a doctor unless it was serious. Last time I saw one was when I was 18-19 and I had an uncomfortable fluid build up in my body and needed surgery to remove the extra fluid.

Well finally I started thinking that maybe my wife was right and I should see someone. I thought it was a bit silly since it's just a cold but it HAS been going on a while. Then fate kind of moved my hand a little bit and I woke up one morning feeling very sick to my stomach. I ended up calling into work when I wasn't feeling better hours later and I had to be at work soon.

They told me I'd need a doctors note when I came back in, so I knew I'd need to see a doctor for one of those. Well it was already late in the day and I don't have a regular doctor so my only choice was to go to Urgent Care. I looked up the nearest one and went in.

"Here's where the fun begins" -- Han Solo.

So I drive myself to this urgent care that's only a mile away, so no big deal. I get in there and sign in. I overhear the nurse at the registration desk telling this guy that they're running on a new computer system now and things are all screwy and it might take a while for him to get seen. About ten minutes later I hear the same thing when I get called up to register.

I register, pay my $40 co-pay (wasn't sure what it'd be since I'm new to having insurance) and sit down. It did indeed take a long time for anyone to call me in there. I'd say I was sitting there for at least 45 minutes before they took me back, weighed me, took my temperature and blood pressure. The nurse asked a couple questions and then said the doctor would be in soon.

Another 30 minutes goes by and the doctor pops in. Asks the same questions then checks my ears and listens to my chest. He basically just says "hmmmm" then says he's going to order some chest x-rays. He leaves the room and I'm sitting there again.

10 minutes later another nurse shows up and takes me to take some shots of my chest. (perv) Things go well and she sends me back to the room while they develop and look at the pictures.

20+ minutes later the doctor shows up and sits down with me. "Well... it doesn't look good" are the first words out of his mouth. He goes on to tell me it could be a lung disease, including cancer, some sort of heart disease, a couple other things, or possibly just a nasty bug. Only thing he DOES know is that my lungs are inflamed and filled with fluid.

His solution is that he's just going to throw some prescriptions at me, including antibiotics and hope for the best. He said to follow up with my normal doctor (which I don't have). Oh, and he sent a nurse in to give me a shot in the butt with steroids. That was more fun than I thought it'd be...

So starts the search to find a normal doctor. I'm new to having insurance as an adult so I don't know what the rules are for what office you choose and what is covered. I go to my insurance's website and they have a Find a Doctor tool. I start using that and get kind of lost in what kind of doctor I even need. Doesn't seem to matter because I start making phone calls and I keep getting a run around from those offices. "Oh, we're not that kind of office." "We actually aren't taking new patients at this point..." "You'll need to call somewhere else"

I finally find a place that actually talked to me after using another Find a Doctor tool that the urgent care suggested. Only problem was is that lady told me that since I'm a new patient I need to come in for a physical first before they'd see me for any other reason.

So it turns out that even though I went into urgent care on 9/23 the earliest they'd be able to see me for a follow-up would be 10/8. And I'm not even sure if they'd deal with my health issues at that appointment or if they'd just do a physical.

A week later, which is when I was supposed to follow up with my regular doctor my feet started hurting worse than they've EVER hurt in my 30 years of being on my feet. I have no idea what's going on except that I'm at work with feet that felt like they were running a marathon in shoes 2-3 sizes too small.

The next day, after a very hard day at work, I go back to work finding a place I can go to that'll actually see me. My feet are still killing me and I'm just plain getting tired of all of this. The hospital won't take me unless it's an emergency and no other offices are being very accepting. Running out of time I finally decide to just go back to the urgent care again.

Basically the same thing happens and it's a long time before I even get in there. By that time my feet actually start feeling better a bit. Not nearly as painful but not better either.

I get in there, see another doctor, checks the same stuff, orders more x-rays and for blood to be drawn, blah, blah, blah... Hours later they come back in, say that nothing has changed as far as the x-rays. They were hoping it was what they called Community-Spread Pneumonia last time, but since it didn't respond to the anti-biotics they "officially" diagnosed me with VIRAL Pneumonia.

So the anti-biotics were pointless this whole time which is great to hear because it was playing all sorts of games on my digestive system. Although they suggested I just keep taking them I decided to ignore that. Trying to have another baby here and those things are supposed to really hurt your chances.

They did prescribe me with a steroid inhaler to use, but nothing to actually FIGHT the sickness I'm dealing with. They were basically pushing me out of the door when I finally chimed back in and asked the doctor what his opinion was on my feet.

"What about your feet?" Well crap... The main reason I'm in urgent care and he acts like he knows nothing about it. I describe what it felt like and how much pain I was in and he basically shrugs and says "I have no opinion on that" and turns to walk out of the door.

Well that's just great. I go into an urgent care with feet that felt like my toes were about to fall off and they just shrug it off.

The part I'm REAL happy about all of this is this:

Co-pay: $40 x2= $80
First Visit Prescriptions (combined): $90
Second Visit Prescription: $60

And the icing on the cake about the whole thing is as of right now I'm not really better off than where I started. I figured it was just a cold still, except that once never had much trouble with shortness of breath and was just waiting it out. Now I'm still coughing, not having problems with shortness of breath and just waiting it out. I'm just more broke than I was before!

Oh, and not long ago a nurse called me from the urgent care saying that my blood test came back but something went wrong and they didn't get any results from it. Said I could come back in to get more blood drawn. I said "no, thank you" as it seemed pointless to me as they supposedly diagnosed me already and it'd just be more pain.

Okay, NOW I'm short of breath... Hope someone is still awake after all of this!

I would write a blog about how unmotivated I am but I don't feel like it...

Well, this started out as a status (with the first 5 comments being my own to get my story out) but I'm going to just turn this into my first blog in forever! I update this blog about as much as I upload pictures these days!

My status post was basically about things from your distant past that you regret. Not really things you've done wrong, but maybe things that could have ended up differently. The story I used is back when I was in high school. This friend and I went out trick or treating. I went out as Silent Bob, but now that I think of it, I don't think he went out as Jay, which is kind of weird, I suppose.

Anyhow, I get into it a lot. I actually was going to dress up as Silent Bob another time and that's why I grew a beard, but that didn't end up happening. But I made the choice to not talk the whole night to keep in character. That's when two girls show up at his door. I don't know them. Apparently he does, and they're going to go out with us.

Back then I was very, very shy, so there is a chance I barely would have talked about those girls anyhow. Well, we headed out, and I stayed silent as I was going to. They kept asking questions about me which my friend would have to answer. At first it kind of bugged them, but when they saw I wasn't going to crack I think it just added an aura of mystery about me because they went a bit wild after that. It seemed to become a game of who could make me crack.

It's not much of anything by today's standards, but for me, who was a virgin at the time, it was pretty big. They flirted with me, begged me in cute little voices to say something. Then at one point they were both walking behind us and one or both of them kept squeezing my butt.

Now, besides my shyness, I was also kind of involved with a co-worker of mine, which is a WHOLE other story. I've got this silly idea in my head to be an honorable gentleman and so I don't really do anything about these girls' advances. I don't really know how to stop it, but I don't do anything back either.

There was one point which we all sat down on the curb near a lamp post, and the one girl with big boobs wanted a cigarette but didn't have any. My friend did, but said he wanted a "titty show" in exchange. Apparently she didn't think too much of it and whipped them out and started playing with them. I'm not sure what all she did because I was the gentleman and didn't even look. My friend was asking why I wasn't looking and I was able to sign out that I was "dating" that co-worker of mine. It helped that I had her picture in my wallet.

After that the girls didn't seem as interested. We got back to my friend's house and I finally dropped the whole no talking thing. But by that point they didn't care much. They only stuck around for a few minutes before they left. I kind of felt relieved.

The main reason I regret not letting something happen was because I thought I had something going on with this co-worker. It was a dumb situation, but I was a virgin who thought he was in love. Her boyfriend was abusive and she said she really liked me and that she was going to leave him for me. We did kind of "date" but she also didn't break up with him. We became a sort of "friends with benefits" thing, although I was too young and naive to even know what that meant.

That co-worker basically arranged a whole night where we'd go out drinking and then end up in a motel room where we'd have sex, but she also did it to where she could say she didn't do anything. She wanted ME to pay for the motel room, even though she gave me some money, and while we were in the room it was obvious she wanted me to make the first move, which I didn't because I was too nice to take advantage. Then when we did start having sex, she didn't do too much, probably to make sure it looked like she wasn't really involved and I just took her in my "drunken rage".

But anyhow, it's THIS girl that kept me from doing anything with those two other girls. This girl, who apparently gave a hand job to that same friend I went trick or treating with (who was also a co-worker of ours). I'm not really mad at having anything to do with this girl even though she was bad news. I'm just upset that I didn't find out where I could have gotten with the other girls.

I always say that I try not to regret my past because I'm glad where I am today, which is still true, but I can't help but wonder what could have happened. Of course I'm imagining some crazy foursome breaking out and I had the time of my life, but even if it turned into some heavy flirting, or even some making out, I'd still be very happy. On the other hand, it could have ended up with me knocking both of them up somehow and my life would be ruined. I doubt those girls had condoms on them... but who knows? I'll never know...

Oh, and just for the fun of it, I'll mention that that co-worker girl of mine did end up breaking up with her abusive boyfriend. She's apparently married to some guy now and has some kids with him. If I'm not mistaken, that means she has kids from three different guys. Just to think I still regret I didn't get more of that... I was a very sad person back then.

Well, my wife is making more and more mentions of wanting to rock my world. She's basically saying she wants to be pounded hard. For those that haven't been keeping up with my blog, which is 99% of you, my wife has a high risk pregnancy and sex is a big no no right now. We don't want to risk anything either, considering we lost our first child. I just hope we'll be able to do something soon after. Not saying I won't care about the baby, but it's been a long time that I haven't had sex... and MUCH longer since I've had a blowjob! Oh, how I miss blowjobs...
I want to try tying my wife up, but I'm not sure what to do with her afterwards. If she's comfortable face down on the bed, I can screw her from behind, or if she lays on her arms... We don't have any sort of bed frame to attach anything to...
But one thing that makes me wonder is why now? Is she thinking about the fact this pregnancy is coming to an end so we can screw again? Is she already planning the next baby?? Does it have something to do with the fact that a friend of hers, that she knows I have a bit of a crush on, just came back into her life??? Or am I acting different ever since I started having some sexy conversations with a fellow NNer...??
All I know is that I have a LOT of pent up sexual energy and I didn't want to have to take a trip to Minnesota to let it burst out... but maybe I have to! I'm liking the progress she's making though.

My wife has told me she had a few wants when we start having sex again. She's re-thinking the whole 69 thing, where she sits on my face as I bury my tongue into her, and her on the bed and me shoving my dick into her mouth. I guess I can cheer up a bit now, even IF my dog just died.