of crunching snows... the buzzing hum of the furnace awaiting it's time to click back on, to heat the apartment... the dull sounds in my head reminding me that this is the season of bronchial pneumonia and sinus infections which plague me... Yet this is my favorite holiday, regardless of the chronic state of illnesses during this time of year, for me and my lovely daughter.
I love the lights in the windows, the kindnesses expressed more readily. Times with family closer than usual... And reminders of sweet memories past. My long ago times... from wee mite's recollections, to the ones i cherish from most recent times, too.
My daughter, home, with me, and in the early morning gray, we opened out gifts from one another, in quietude. She, gifting me a lovely sweater/top... Black with silver threads glittering through it. Not exactly my style, but I'll wear it, for her, and for love of her... She'd chosen this while I was in the ER for that bleeding nose that xxxxxx me to fight my body to rectify my health, if it's possible to do so.
And she, sleepy but unable to sleep pretty much all night, due to festivities of children and neighbors in the commons... Opened a pull over, a new brightly colored scarf, a new MP3 player, candies, baubles and other simple things. This was one of our poorer years, as far as what I could afford to do for either one of us... no new Christmas card designs, no cards sent to family and friends as hoped.... just barely doing a thing.
Still, this is the time of year, in which we honor charitable giving, and sacrificing a $5.00 bill for charity, or baking dozens of my latest spin on cupcakes for charity bake sales, too... meant the most to me.... This is a time when generosity is more eagerly expressed, drawstrings loosened, and change trickles out of pockets to assist those who are in need.
But please, let us not forget those who're mourning, those who with pride stand upright, even though they starve emotionally, or even literally.
Let us remember those who miss their families. Miss the touch of loving fingers on their own hands, clasped in friendship, or loving tenderness.... For those who ache, and feel alone... My heart beats with yours.. I know that too, in my own way, though I'm lucky, to have my daughter home with me... And, to have one sister rather close by... and a father and stepmother who's my angel-mom... and a few scattered friends throughout the world, whom I truly call friend.. and whom I genuinely love for who they are. I've met some of the most worthwhile people here, on this site... and upon a penpal site... and, I've been blessed with one or two men who'd become friends, as well as having been playmate.
I'm realizing those who're of worth to me are worth waiting for.. and wanting to be with, and caring for. I might play once in a while with one who's been worthwhile as a friend and lover/friend with benefits... odd life to lead, for me. But it works. And I'm more capable of patience and playing alone than ever before. With this new title of divorcee.. I've recognized I'm alone, yet not. I'm alive, and I'm surrounded by other people who're in the same boat.
I'm looking forward to the new year.. The new opportunities, the new chances at living more fully. Experiencing friendship and pleasure more completely, and hopefully, one day.. years from now, I'm sure... I might be able to know the best kind of friendship... one where two people man and woman, for me, my dears... two who wish to live together, share their lives and give their best because they recognize that other to be their best friend, and lover... I'd like that. But I understand that will probably never happen for me. So, instead of looking for that possibility, and hanging that hope high above me, unattainable already... I will work, and slave for the almighty dollar... to feed and cloth me and my daughter... to pay bills and to help perhaps make it less struggle, ad more light and joy in our lives... I will work on building myself up more completely.. Building my own foundation of loving myself into the woman I know I am deep inside of me... And I'll build my world around me, more crystalline and pure, more bright and filled with splendor and light...
If, and when others touch my life with their own sweet and good light I'll accept and embrace them.. and love their kindnesses, and express my gratitude for all the simple gifts I'm given. I expect nothing from anyone... I'm insignificant in this world. Yet I have a place in it, in my own time, in my own place, in my own way. So, I will share who I am, and I'll share my love to the best of my ability.
Blessings I wish in your new year. Beauty I hope you will find in abundance... And love, may you share it deeply and fully if it's your time for it. And may you know that you are loved by people like me, for the gentle touch of kindness you express now and then to those who like me, have no clue how to deal with it. I've been battered and abused, I've been a warrior and a veteran of my own life. Fighting to stay myself even though i could become embittered and angry, hardened and refuse to touch or love, or share my soul with anyone. I can't do that. I'm a being of light, and love, and joy. I've always been thus, and will remain so. I've no reason to not be who I am.
Thank you for your influence upon me, and on one another.
I can't use my voice today, my throat is sore, and so no songs will touch my lips, but they touch my heart, and are being sung within me... I can sing my thanks, and love and well wishes and spread my heart wide open with loving warmth, to enfold you in the arms of a loving caring woman. I am only me, but I can do something small to share who I am. And so.. I DO.
